Triangulation Help/Understanding

[UBPDHelp]

Hi all!

I was reading others’ stories (it helps relate, right? And I learn so much!). I wandered through a post with links to triangulation/Karpman Triangle.

I understand (very basically!) the theory.  That said, I’m not great with abstract ideas...I need real-world examples.

Hoping you all would be willing to share some examples of triangulation in your life and then how you managed to get to the center. And results/changes.

Thanks in advance for any insight.

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RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Ozzie101]

Moving to the center is a work in progress for me but here's a real-life example of triangulation:

A friend of my parents holds a position of power at H's work place. There have been problems. H felt like my parents should intervene on his behalf or, failing that, verbally attack said friend and end the relationship.
H=Victim
Friend=Persecutor
Parents=Rescuer

Now, this triangle hasn't played out because my parents have not gotten involved. Similarly, other than keeping them informed, I have not asked them to get involved.

H has a tendency to play victim and then try to force or manipulate others to rescue -- or to see people as persecutors even if they're not.

Right now, I listen. I validate where appropriate. But I (kindly and firmly) refuse to step in or to agree that there's persecution going on. Usually when H returns to baseline he agrees with me.

Does that help?

[UBPDHelp]

Hi Ozzie,

It does help. (I have been watching this story on your post, sorry again you’re dealing with this!).

I can see examples of this in my life, but I’m not sure where the line between helping and rescuer is.  Does that make sense?  Is it simply boundary-based or where “victim” could handle but manipulates others to “fix” it.

And, what about if I have a vested interest in the outcome?  Does that change how to proceed?

So H can’t take his stressful job anymore, it’s so unfair (victim...but result of his own choices).  He wants to quit without having another job which means we have no income, no health insurance and have to rely on savings to pay bills.  Am I rescuer if I help sort prospective paths to avoid the turmoil of just walking out of his job?  Would it be prudent in a situation like this?

Sorry, don’t mean to difficult with this.  Realizing I do a lot of “helping” around our house, so that falls on lack of boundaries, I guess.  Am I a continual rescuer because I’m always trying to smooth the path (kids included)?  Or do I only become a rescuer if I’m being manipulated into it?

This is NOT me questioning the validity of the triangle, but just trying to understand and see where I need to set better boundaries, change paths, etc.

Thanks for taking the time!

[Ozzie101]

It can be hard to know where those lines are. If something violates a boundary you've set, then, no, I wouldn't do it.

Can he do this for himself?
Is he asking you to take responsibility?

Looking over and discussions options would, I think, be ok. But talking to his boss for him would be rescuing. Saying "yes, quit" and then taking on all responsibility for figuring out how to handle the fallout would be rescuing or enabling. Making the decision for him? I wouldn't do that.

[UBPDHelp]

OMG...ugh.

This is something he constantly does.  I kind of new he was but didn’t understand why (I thought it was something else).  It used to be like decisions about house repairs, etc.  We would discuss but then he would tell me to make the decision. Now he does it for everything.  Where to eat, where to go...talk and then you decide. That way when something doesn’t go right (a blip to me, catastrophe to him), it’s my fault.

Honest to goodness, I remember helping him with grad school applications (I was a “better” typer), but if there was one typo (with white out, some of you won’t even know what that is!), he would throw a fit.  Like it’s not enough I’m staying up late to help you, now you’re yelling at me about it. I feel soo stupid I’ve been so blind or naive or just refusing to see it for soo long.

I even remember him telling me he wouldn’t help his mom make a decision because then she would blame him if something went wrong.

He does it at work, makes his partner make all the risky business decisions and then freaks out when it’s not right.

I’m sorry to rant.  I’m having a rough night and I’m just sort of feeling super sorry for myself.

Thanks Ozzie...your help means so much.