I struggle to be so cut out of her life.

[GR194]

Hi all.

My BPD girlfriend has recently been in treatment for addiction and is now completely sober (which is great news). It has been a rollercoaster ride up to now and feels like we’ve been through so much together already. Things were starting to feel really positive when she came out of inpatient care and I was looking forward to living together again and enjoying simple things like watching films and lounging around our flat.

Recently I read something of hers for her recovery that she’d written which she hadn't told me about and this caused some issues around trust to be brought up between us. She has said that we need space and has been pulling away, saying that there are serious issues in our relationship and that she needs space while in this period of recovery. I understand that her recovery from addiction needs to come first right now but I also struggle to be so cut out of her life. All the time throughout months of inpatient treatment we still spoke almost every day and had weekly visits, and now we have less contact than that and it feels tough.

We met up a few days ago to talk about everything and talked about breaking up - only for us both to talk through issues and both said that we didn’t want to break up but acknowledged that her need for space was the best way forward.

We have agreed structured boundaries about when we will speak and see each other but I feel that when we speak things get so much better between us and we become close, then each period where we don’t have contact sets us back again and we drift apart. I am worried that the space she has asked for is dragging us apart but I also don’t want to break the boundaries we’ve set. I am questioning whether this is self sabotaging behaviour (pushing me away) and whether I should be following my heart to bring us closer. It’s really confusing and I have this longing to be with her right now but don’t know whether to pursue that or respect the space she has asked for.

Any help with these issues would be much appreciated - thanks

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I think in some way or another, this is a struggle that many of us face: not knowing when to persue and when to back off. And honestly, sometimes I have had a better reaction when I “break the rules” and go for a visit, and sometimes it backfires and makes it worse.

What I can say from recent experience is maybe space could be the most helpful thing, even if it’s very hard! It doesn’t mean you can’t remind her that you’re there for her and still feel loving towards her, but people with BPD sometimes need to come to their own conclusions. I’ve found that when I usually back off completely for a day or two, and then reach out with a gentle short text (just to say “hi, I hope you’re okay and I’m here for you when you’re ready to talk”) usually works best for me. It doesn’t always get an immediate reply but it shortens are time apart and I get a better reaction than when I am clingy or angry.I’ve been told later that he always really appreciate it.

It wouldn’t surprise me if after enough space, she reached out. I don’t say that to give you false hope- it’s just the cycle we all deal with.

Anyway, every body and every situation is different so please listen to your own heart. You are the best judge of yourself and your relationship. Knowing what you know now about BPD might help you take a different approach to this situation and perhaps, have a smoother outcome. Best of luck!

[GR194]

Thanks for this message. I’m still feeling pretty low and struggling with the distance but can also appreciate what you’ve said here. Just feels like I’m battling the urge to reach out and just speak to the each other.

There’s no way of knowing what will happen, I desperately want things to get better and us to become close again but I know I can’t force this. Just feels like I have to play the waiting game for the foreseeable future and keep myself occupied in the meantime!