My BPD GF from another country is causing me anxiety and splits frequently

[unityg]

I really need help guys. I gave up an unhappy (but normal) relationship with a woman I had kids with for a girl I met online. We were friends for about a year and I didn’t even know if she was lying to me about her age/sex//etc. eventually she opened up to me about her BPD and her sexual abuse and terrible relationships. I felt so bad for her but I honestly loved her more because of her pain. I wanted to help her. She rejected me for weeks and months because she’s scared of getting hurt. She eventually let me call her and FaceTime her. She is stunning but doesn’t believe me when I tell her. She idealized me and I fell hard for her too. The past 2 years she has given me the highest highs of my life and the lowest lows. When we made love the first time I discovered self inflicted wounds all over her legs (years worth). She doesn’t try to make me feel sorry for her and doesn’t use her pain to manipulate me). She lives in Europe and I Iive in the States. We each other every every 3-4 months and talk on the phone daily. She is working on saving money and coming here but her BPD prevents her from wanting to even try. I’m very busy with my kids and career but I want to make sure she’s committed before she comes over here to live. The splitting is getting worse and the self harm is getting worse. I even cut myself a couple times so she doesn’t do it and she stopped for awhile but did it behind my back. She gets intensely angry over misunderstanding and just blocks me or gives me the silent treatment for hours and sometimes days. I love this girl and want to marry and have kids with her. She tells me the most deep emotional loving things but then legit says the worst thing anyone can ever say to me the moment she splits. I’m always the villain and she’s always the hero. I’ve never felt so in love with someone. I’ve spend about 3 grand on hotels, tickets and a babysitter for our next trip in 2 weeks and now she legit is saying “go ________ yourself. I hate you. I legit hope you die. I’m sending you your money back and I’m never talking to you again”. This was over a misunderstanding last night that convinced her I’m keeping stuff from her. She also flipped out 6 hours earlier when I didn’t tell her that her not filtered picture was beautiful (and I actually did tell her just not to her satisfaction).  I feel like I can’t live without her and even had to call suicide hotline during Christmas. I know I can live without her and I’m being dramatic but I don’t want to dismiss my pain. I want her to get help but she only sees a therapist every3-4 weeks. Right now she isn’t talking and ignoring all my messages. What should I do?  The last time this happened I actually flew to her country and fixed it that way ( she never thought I would do that). But I can’t book at 1000 dollar flight every time we fight. I love her so so much. I’m dying here and she doesn’t care right now cause she split on me. What should I do? I can’t function at work; I can’t be a good father, and I left who was a pretty decent women for this girl. - shain

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