How do you cope with constant suicide threats

[Parents! Get help here!]

My dd18 just wants to die. She tells me every day she can’t stand living this way. She is addicted to marijuana as it is the only thing that makes her feel normal and makes her brain slow down. Trust me I have seen the difference in her personality on weed vs not and when she has smoked she is regulated and nice to be around.
Reading this forum it sounds like everyone else out there has functioning children. I don’t. My daughter has barely gone to school in 3 years. Stays in bed most of the time but tries to socialize with friends on good days/or hours who am I kidding there are no good days just hours as we are moment to moment with her moods.
In the past month since she has been diagnosed she is worse than ever saying now she has 4 mental illnesses. We are still waiting to start DBT in another 2 months and waiting for CBT Therapist to honour me with a call back just to make an appointment and of course my daughters counsellor went off for surgery right when she got diagnosed nothing like support.
I’m so tired and sad. I think people whose children were diagnosed later in life are lucky as I feel like adolescents having to face this is indescribable with their developing brains already being compromised to begin with.

[Louski]

My dd18 just wants to die. She tells me every day she can’t stand living this way. She is addicted to marijuana as it is the only thing that makes her feel normal and makes her brain slow down. Trust me I have seen the difference in her personality on weed vs not and when she has smoked she is regulated and nice to be around.
Reading this forum it sounds like everyone else out there has functioning children. I don’t. My daughter has barely gone to school in 3 years. Stays in bed most of the time but tries to socialize with friends on good days/or hours who am I kidding there are no good days just hours as we are moment to moment with her moods.
In the past month since she has been diagnosed she is worse than ever saying now she has 4 mental illnesses. We are still waiting to start DBT in another 2 months and waiting for CBT Therapist to honour me with a call back just to make an appointment and of course my daughters counsellor went off for surgery right when she got diagnosed nothing like support.
I’m so tired and sad. I think people whose children were diagnosed later in life are lucky as I feel like adolescents having to face this is indescribable with their developing brains already being compromised to begin with.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[PeaceMom]

Louski,
I’ve felt the same way you do. I felt that other’s kids w/BPD must be high functioning while my DD was very low functioning. 2 summers ago she had a mystery illness that I thought was an autoimmune disorder and she was literally in her bed for 3 solid months.  She is doing better now.
School was an issue and she refused to return to her big HS during Christmas break of her Jr. year. We pulled all her medical records and were able to send her to the Alternative HS. Other than getting into legal trouble there (insert sarcasm here) she did ok and graduated early.
I really struggled when she was under 18 bc I was her legal guardian, but once she turned 18 I bowed out gracefully. She still goes to psych ward about 1 x a year for S.I. but it’s not quite as scary for some reason.

Linehan talks about working w/suicidal patients and I believe they work together to figure out what it would take (in the patient’s mind) to create or envision a life worth living. This is heavy stuff best worked thru w/a T, but do you ever speak to her that way? Somehow it takes superhuman strength for a mom to set our own fear fully on the back burner and talk to these miserable girls in a confident yet compassionate way.

I wish I had more to offer you, but I give you my compassion and I understand what you are going thru!
Sending you a huge ((Hug)

[Louski]

PeaceMom
Thank you for replying - thanks for your empathy - sometimes that’s all I need - I feel so alone in this. I have no one to “really”  talk to about this and at the moment am considering a new therapist for myself, as I don’t believe the one I have now is going to be very helpful moving forward.
My daughter has been in the alternate HS for years but nothing we do to make things easier for her gives her any motivation that’s for sure. She has 1 course left to take in order to do the adult grad if she would just go, and finally this hell of high school will be behind us.
On the good days we talk about her moving to a city where she would enjoy living, meeting new like minded people, enjoying the art scene, etc. Unfortunately that all gets forgotten in the everyday depression and lack of motivation. The problem with creating a life worth living is it will take some effort and I can’t do that for her. If I would I could-there is nothing I haven’t done, tried, said as I’ve learned throughout our painful journey. I have learned the hard way that nothing will change if she doesn’t consistently try. It’s all up to her. I just hope and pray we can get good therapy for her so she can finally feel some relief/so we all can. As you know the whole family is affected by this awful illness. This waiting is so hard and sometimes getting through days with her is unbearable. I wish I could flip a switch and stop my codependence and enmeshment. I’ll just continue trying to work on myself one foot in front of the other. I know I have to model coping mechanisms for my kids, etc but some days I just want a one way ticket anywhere but here:(

[FaithHopeLove]

I feel for you Louski. My son also makes frequent suicide attempts. It is terrifying. What gets me through it frankly is lots of prayer. I do the best I can to prevent him from taking his life but I know that ultimately this is not in my hands. It is in God's hands. I don't know if this helps but this is my reality as a mom whose heart breaks like yours does. It's great that your daughter is willing to go to therapy. I think it will help.

[PeaceMom]

I totally relate to everything you share. I wanted to run far far away. I typed a long response that disappeared so I’ll shorten it.
First, at the core of any pwBPD is severe rejection sensitivity which morphs our of fear of abandonment. So sometimes when DD would talk about moving -bright lights big city stuff was just too out of reach and made her very insecure and fearful deep down even though she put on a tough “Get me the heck out of here” front. So we started with smaller goals that included our support.

When she was at home all day everyday depressed in p.j.s I’d create a need for her to cook or bake something. I’d run to the store and get interesting ingredients and it allowed her to be artistic without leaving the home. I’m a health nut and didn’t want baked goods sitting out, but I looked at it like T for her. We also had relaxing upbeat music playing a lot.

When DD got in legal trouble at Alternative school she had to do community service and worked at animal shelter. This was so therapeutic for her.

We also paid for expensive equestrian horse lessons. This was extremely helpful -managing a huge animal, being outside and building strength.

There is a fun easy website called DownDoG or downdawg that’s online yoga that is easy to try at home.

We also volunteering at local senior’s center calling Bingo.

The most important change I made when she was 17 was deciding that I was not her24/7 watchman for S.I.
My fear was making her more suicidal. Your T might be helpful with this part. I started leaving her unattended more often and I’d come home an be shocked that she’d cleaned her room, done her laundry or made cupcakes...

Im sharing small things that made a difference in our home. You are not alone!

I remember giving DD a good suicide hotline number that she could call just to talk. Everything doesn’t have to be a 911 emergency. Sometimes folks just need to share with some compassionate person other than Mom.

I heard a story on NPR about a number you can text only and have a text convo w/a caring trained support person without having to call. They are having terrific success w/people w/S.I. I would share this w/my DD next time she’s feeling suicidal.

[Harri]

I heard a story on NPR about a number you can text only and have a text convo w/a caring trained support person without having to call. They are having terrific success w/people w/S.I. I would share this w/my DD next time she’s feeling suicidal.

If you are in the US, you can text 'help' to 741741.

We offer that here to our members when they or their loves ones are having difficulties.  Is the 741741 the one you are referring to Peacemom?

[PeaceMom]

Harri,
I bet that’s it. The goal of this group was to provide support purely by text. They’ve found that many people simply are too overwhelmed to call. I can totally understand that as I was scared to call myself when DD was out threatening to harm herself. I had no voice.
This texting crisis line has a very high satisfaction rating from those who’ve used it.

[wavewatcher]

I have progress to share. I know this could change tomorrow but I'm appreciating today.

First, dd25BPD/BP2 has basically been in bed 24/7 since she came home from the hospital early January. Gained about 25 lbs, unmotivated, depressed, super anxious, can't work, can't exercise, etc.

Then she got a new P with a fresh perspective on her and her med management, and she's med compliant with what he prescribed. She likes him, we like him.

Yesterday she discovered she can make $ by selling her/our unused stuff online. She made $103 in one day and for her, that is huge. She was more alive and active in the last 24hrs than in the last 2 months. It's giving her a sense of autonomy w/o having to deal with people in a job setting, at least for now. Today she's doing inventory of what else she can sell. 
 
Louski, I also relate to your situation. At times it feels unbearable. This new outlet has provided a bit of light in my dd's dreary world and I hope it continues.

[mamabolivia]

At the heart of the threats is a dreadful pain and a desperate need for connection. DBT, rather than CBT, is better recommended for BPD. Sometimes all we can do is crawl into the bed with our child and stop expecting "normality". When we expect something from our child once again we are not loving them for who they are, in a sense we are saying I love you but I would love you more if you would only... BPD people are highly sensitive to any little shift in our look, our voice, our body language and if they are internalisers (not externalisers who confront and rage), they won't say anything. I encourage my daughter to criticise me, to rail at me so at least I have an idea of how she sees me.
It is all so very very hard...

[mamabolivia]

Oh yes, and I agree, my daughter CANNOT work in a team/hierarchical setting. Have you looked at a multilevel scheme, such as Herbalife (not an advert, just an example) where she can work from home if she's good at selling stuff?

[PeaceMom]

WW,
That’s very encouraging!

MamaBolivia,
I’ve found that my DD is laser focused on any sarcasm or resentment I feel toward her. You are exactly right about radically accepting them right where they are. This is easier if DD20  isnt screaming in my face, raging, cussing or asking me to solve yet another problem for her.  I can accept her sadness and lack of energy, but projecting these on me in an abusive way is not ok...,

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Louski]

WW,
I’m so glad your daughter has found something to look forward to by selling stuff! That’s awesome:) My daughter has done that too and I celebrated with her then something went wrong with a sale so she’s taken a break from that, so I’m hoping we can get her some sort of part time job.

Mamabolivia,
You are so right. I’m learning not to expect anything from my daughter and I have come to accept life as it is for us, but sometimes it’s hard when she seems so competent and will make big plans on good days.

FaithHopeLove,
It is just devastating to hear our kids say they want to die. Sometimes I convince myself that if she does go I know she at least won’t be in pain anymore but I can’t imagine life without her. Then I think am I selfish to want her to stay living in the torment she does. I know I have no control over what she does and so I continue to learn about this illness and I pray too.

PeaceMom,
I try hard to give dd things to look forward to to keep her moving. She tends to be best motivated to get out of the house so usually  for us it’s just going down town to get her some sort of special coffee amidst errands and her latest love is thrifting. Sometimes I find it exhausting though trying to make her happy in between work and the demands of life:(
Thanks for that text info I’ll google one for Canada. I think I have heard of that before but never thought to suggest it to my daughter but it’s worth a try as she lives on her phone..

[FaithHopeLove]

Sometimes I convince myself that if she does go I know she at least won’t be in pain anymore but I can’t imagine life without her. Then I think am I selfish to want her to stay living in the torment she does. I know I have no control over what she does and so I continue to learn about this illness and I pray too.

That's exactly how I feel too. I think this is where radical acceptance comes in.

[Big M]

I wanted to post to let you know you are definitely not the only one with a child who cannot function, and to offer my sincere sympathy and empathy.  Your post sounds like something we could have written on any day in the last 6 years.  Our dd19 has just entered a residential program at her therapist's (and our) urging for her constant suicidal ideation.  Her therapist more or less threatened her with involuntary commitment proceedings if she didn't agree to residential.  (Of course she was more careful with her words, but that's what she meant).  She barely graduated high school this last spring in spite of her 125 IQ and much intervention.  For the past 6 years, with the exception of school, she's spent 90% of her time in bed.  She has had jobs briefly, once as long as 90 days, but always wound up quitting because it stresses her too much. She enrolled in community college last fall, but passed only 3 courses, failed English which is her best subject, because "prof is incompetent".  Enrolled this Spring but immediately quit going and dropped out. In the 3 weeks prior to entering residential, she's been "holed up" in the RV she lives in our property, coming out only at night to come into our house and get food. She has been in residential 7 days, and we've (along with her therapist there) have had to talk her down from discharging herself twice already.  This will be an ongoing battle for the entire time she is there- because she "knows what is best for her treatment plan", despite the obvious evidence that she doesn't.  

Please know that you are not alone.  The concept of radical acceptance may help you get through this time.  This video from Tara Brach has really helped me.  I hope it helps you.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vFr_zQCUMD4

[PeaceMom]

Thank you for sharing this video. The way she describes Radical Acceptance is lovely.

[livednlearned]

The problem with creating a life worth living is it will take some effort and I can’t do that for her. If I would I could-there is nothing I haven’t done, tried, said as I’ve learned throughout our painful journey. I have learned the hard way that nothing will change if she doesn’t consistently try. It’s all up to her. I just hope and pray we can get good therapy for her so she can finally feel some relief/so we all can. As you know the whole family is affected by this awful illness. This waiting is so hard and sometimes getting through days with her is unbearable. I wish I could flip a switch and stop my codependence and enmeshment. I’ll just continue trying to work on myself one foot in front of the other. I know I have to model coping mechanisms for my kids, etc but some days I just want a one way ticket anywhere but here:(

Oof. I have felt everything you wrote. Out of 4 kids, H and I have only one (SD25) who is halfway neurotypical and even she struggles with ADHD. I'm so deeply tired trying to understand and support these struggling adults that I feel myself slipping into apathy.

Is your DD hopeful about DBT? It's something of a silver lining that she is willing to consider DBT given how badly she feels.

I wonder if DD is afraid to succeed because she believes she will then be truly alone and abandoned. Whenever SD23 (uBPD/dxBP2) starts to do well she seems to get a good crisis going because success = abandonment.

I've stopped being too positive with SD23 because she has never met an upbeat message that doesn't imply something negative about her.

[Louski]

Big M
Omg I feel your pain! Wow, our daughters are so similar! My daughter is so strong in English too!
Thank you for the link to the video that was really good:)

Livednlearned
She is willing to try DBT however once it really gets going will be a whole other battle I’m sure. We have talked about things and she said sometimes it’s easier to be depressed and not try - I think she is in a rut and is in a habit of living the way she does because although it’s miserable it’s comfortable. I hope that maybe somehow once her therapy starts she buys into feeling better. We will see.
I’m so sorry you have more than one child struggling. My heart goes out to you:(

[incadove]

Louski this may sound oversimplified but have you tried just putting her on Prozac?  It really does work for depression and it gives the brain a break from the cycle of dysfunction.  My dd finally got on it after years of mood swings and depression, because she was in a scary state of not wanting to live and suicide ideation.  And it works.  She's still dealing with a lot of issues and working thru them, still is sad many times but the darkness is different.  Its not a panacea but it can really break a scary cycle and give your daughter a respite to build her strengths. 

Believe in her, set tiny goals, and get antidepressants.  That's the best I can think of - and take care of yourself! 

Functional is relative.  If she can do just tiny positive things and feel somewhat good about it, that's functional enough for a first step.  Setting too big goals or comparing to some 'normal' doesn't help.