I feel like I am about to have a breakdown. No support. Please help.

[solspectre]

Hello, I have been trying to deal with my LDR fiance and his BPD and I feel like I am at breaking point. All of his insane behavior has been too much. I have no support right now, I have no friends I can talk with, I am extremely isolated because I have health problems. Everything is getting to me, and now I can't handle any pressure. I don't know what to do. I also can't leave him. My whole life I have been in terrible situations, and now this and I can't take it anymore. I can't process anything, I can't think straight. I am unable to stop sobbing now, I feel so alone with all this.

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[GeorgeGlass]

Hi  Solspectre, I am new here too

So sorry to read your post... I have been there a couple of times too.
I recall thinking that perhaps the real reason for crying was that it forced you to breathe in in order to cry - and without that motivation you just might not breathe again.

Your emotions will reflect what the mind focuses on... If your thoughts are of the dire nature of your situation you will set up a bad feedback loop. 

Can't stop thinking about how bad it feels > I feel bad about it > can't stop thinking about how bad it feels > I feel bad about it...

Break the loop by doing mindful things - or cognitive things.  I will explain...

Mindful things are where you intentionally set your mind to a subject... the sound of your feet walking, the shape of a leaf, the design of a building etc.  It almost does not matter what you set your mind to - although it seems to be the bigger and more natural the object of your attention the better the effect.  Movement helps too  Try going for a walk... listen to the sounds, look at the things you pass, wonder about the stories of these things... be INTENTIONAL in giving this medicine to your soul.

Cognitive things are things that require you use the 'words' part of your mind.  The reason that this works is because you can only have one inner dialogue at a time and this disrupts the looping words of your misery.  Watching a good 'thinking' TV show, listening to a podcast on an interesting topic, read a book... anything to engage the 'words' part of your mind... careful in your subject choice tho...

In either case - the breaking of the loop will result in a lowering of your anxiety and a raise in your general mood.

When you are in a 'more decent' place in your mind - write a list of the areas of concern in your life - and against each one write what you are going to do.  Anxiety feel like a flood in your emotions - and that is because that is exactly what it is... if you can replace the overwhelming feeling with a 'working hard in a difficult situation' feeling you are 90% there.  Your list is your message to you that 'I got this...'

Good luck Solspectre,
Thinking of you.

[formflier]

I'm so glad you found us.  BPD in a relationship and health problems, that can be quite a combination.  Sometime I've personally dealt with for years.

When you have time, I'd like to know more about your health issues.  I've got lots of back and nerve issues (and a smattering of other smaller things).

I'm also interested in what your "self care" routine looks like.  Is it stable or does it change with your health issues?  Are your health issues stable?

Bottom line:  You are not alone anymore.  We get it (health and BPD).  I'd like to know more about you!

Best,

FF

[solspectre]

Thank you so much GeorgeGlass and formflier! GeorgeGlass, hello to a fellow newcomer. Those were very useful things to mention, and thank you so much for such a directed set of suggestions, it really does get to the core of what this does to us on a psychological level. Indeed you are right and it is true. I often do try to get myself into a different mode, and I have done these sorts of things, also with the lists, although right now I think the difficult part is that I am not wanting to break up, and yet I ruminate even worse when he has weird behavior that makes me think he might be cheating for example. He is halfway across the planet, and I cannot see what he is doing and my mind goes to these places very easily anyway. (Of course the crying was from all of it, the gaslighting, the constant shift of worship/devaluing, his lecturing and self-righteous attitude etc.) The fact that he is in utter denial of his behavior completely, and any time something is negative it always shifts to me. I am now to the point of sheer constant obsessing on it, and I cannot seem to stop it, no matter how I try to distract myself. And sadly the health stuff makes it more difficult. The fact that I can't know what he is doing, and if he is lying to my face about being with another woman. I see patterns that make me think he does (logged into WhatsApp or Skype a lot, or exactly a minute after every conversation we have, having a weird schedule, etc.) But he claims I am paranoid. The crazy thing is, I don't know if he is really hiding something or that if it's his behavior itself that pushes me over the edge and actually makes me paranoid! He tries to portray himself as being a very loyal, "good" and moral sort of guy, and his life purpose is about "self betterment" and so on, but you know, as I am now seeing, these people can have a mask for every occasion... I cannot prove though if he is actually telling the truth or not. He still spellbinds me though, somehow. He still has a way of being that, when it is good, it is amazing. I never found it before in anyone and it's what I was looking for. It is like damned if you do, damned if you don't. I know the only real way out is to leave but I actually really love him, and at least right now, I just cannot do it.

Formflier greetings! Sure, I will be happy to tell you about it if you want. In a way so that I am not personally identifiable however, as he knows about the health stuff. I am sorry to hear about your health issues as well, it must add alot of stress to everything else.

I am currently at a phase right now where I am insanely sensitive to everything, and I feel like everything is attacking me. I wish I could make him understand what he has done.

[GeorgeGlass]

Hey Solspectre,

I really hear you... Confusion, pain, hope and a desire for connection all mixed in...

I am sure you are aware of the nature of a trauma bond and the tricks these play with our emotions.  If you have not - look it up and prepare to understand why you feel a lot of the things you do... I also hear however a genuine desire to have a healthy relationship with your partner.

While there is lots to do in getting really healthy - and much of that will include you gaining better self respect and placing boundaries there seems to be an immediate need that requires addressing... trust.

Healthy requires trust - and I hear a fair bit of distrust here.

On the assumption that your partner WANTS a healthy relationship with you - he will want to feel trusted.  His desire to feel trusted will be the fuel for him to avail himself to you and demonstrate to you that he is behaving in a trustworthy manner.

Regardless of the source of your worry for his fidelity being your own insecurities or based on evidence the reality is that you are worried regarding his fidelity.

Based on his desire to have you not worry - there are two options... 1. Dismiss the worry (deny/avoid/dismiss etc) and 2. Address the worry.

Option #1 does not address the issue, and so it will keep reoccurring.  You may be able to put it out of your mind for a while but the worry lingers... It will eat you up from the inside and even if there is no infidelity - will have the same erosive effect as if there was.

Option #2 is difficult - but ultimately worth it... to address you worry about his infidelity there are some prerequisites...
a) he must acknowledge that you are worried
b) he must accept that your worry is in itself valid (regardless of his conduct and any potential sources of your worry) because you are a valid person and your worries are valid because you are.
c) he must be both willing to and actually execute the making account of his behaviour... always... without violating (b)
d) you must be willing to trust him (subject to a, b and c)

Be aware and careful not to ever hold this accountability over him in a power sense... but be willing to reciprocate for the areas that he might worry over you.

What are your thoughts on this?

[solspectre]

Thank you GeorgeGlass. Yes, these are all indeed true, the confusion and pain and hope and desire for connection.

I am aware of trauma bonds, and I know in a way it plays a role here, much as I have not wanted that to be the case.

It is very bizarre, because I know that I have self love now. It took me a long time, but through the physical illness, eventually it occurred, and these days anyway, I do not have any ounce of self doubt, and I am very happy with who I am. However, perhaps because of my situation health-wise (it scares people off), because of my longstanding isolation, (which is now magnified during this coronavirus situation) and the nature of the rare qualities I was seeking, I have put myself in a corner in somehow accepting these behaviors, or thinking because it is long-distance, that I don't have enough information or that it can eventually change.

There has been a pattern as well in my life, (and in my family member's lives as well) of being victims of abuse, and perhaps that is another reason I am repeating this pattern of allowing myself to be emotionally abused. I hope it makes sense, that the self love is, indeed there.

Part of the reason I stay with it is because, metaphorically speaking - it is as if I am an alien who crashed onto this planet, seeking my kind, (with certain traits) but my planet was long destroyed. The only people I wind up finding are mentally unstable humans. (Not literally of course). I hope that makes some sort of sense. So thus I rationalize the craziest things because I want a small taste of my home planet, and my species; it is the closest I could get. Could this really be the only thing driving this here? Do you think I have missed something? I know the self love is there, everyone else sees it as well. But in this relationship, it's like I just excuse it because I want so badly to find these "rare" qualities.

Regarding trust, yes, it is a huge problem. Indeed, option #1 does not really address the issue. Regarding option #2, it is hard to say for certain whether he recognizes it as valid, because on the one hand he will say I am paranoid and use that as fuel for making it all my fault, or else he will be very reassuring all the time, and even sometimes show me screen shots of things he has done to try to give me a sense that he has not done anything. I have done the same with him when he gets very paranoid about me. But the thing is he is so calculating that he is likely to play this very well and simply hide anything. There is some circumstantial evidence I have, and lies he has made, which he does not account to, (and again turns it around on me). So basically, whether he is being unfaithful or not, he is trying to come off as being loving and reassuring, but he is not actually taking responsibility for any of his negative actions (so how can one be trusting of that?).

Eg yesterday, his jokes and such with me were all subtly very devaluing, (making himself Emperor Palpatine, and me Anakin when Palpatine attacks him, or making himself some other fictional character who has more power than the other). And his other subtle attitudes, until I was, (along with every other day of this nonsense) so wary of it I was not smiling of course, after a particular comment, where he was laughing at me from something I shared with him, as if what I shared was stupid. And he goes, "What is wrong? Why are you so unhappy all of the sudden?" I said I was fine, but then I tried saying I did not appreciate his jokes and they were not funny, and that he should not have been laughing at me, he then he said that I was "being negative" by assuming he would ever try to hurt me. Then he said, "You are always so unhappy all the time and frustrated. It just seems like you are so frustrated with me. Why are you frustrated with me?" I was silent because I did not know how to tell him this, he never listens, and if I call him on it I will have his rage and he will go into more of the splitting and do something crazy. So I downplayed it just to avoid it, again. (I'm sure anyone who has been with these people knows this cycle well).

I do not know how to even talk to him about this. He says he values logic and reason above all else, but this behavior he has is far from it. He cannot see his own issues whatsoever. He cannot take responsbility.

[once removed]

ive been on both sides of this.

ive been cheated on by every partner ive been with.

and, as it applied to the ex that brought me here, she was a very jealous partner. on a major level, she was that way before she met me, and after she met me. and on some level, i gave her reason to be.

i think that for some men, a woman feeling worried or insecure about us can make us feel more secure, more confident in the relationship. at the same time, its not something we really like to "deal" with, and we often deal with it by dismissal or blame, which doesnt help.

i think GeorgeGlass sums up the situation really well.

And he goes, "What is wrong? Why are you so unhappy all of the sudden?" I said I was fine, but then I tried saying I did not appreciate his jokes and they were not funny, and that he should not have been laughing at me, he then he said that I was "being negative" by assuming he would ever try to hurt me. Then he said, "You are always so unhappy all the time and frustrated. It just seems like you are so frustrated with me. Why are you frustrated with me?" I was silent because I did not know how to tell him this, he never listens, and if I call him on it I will have his rage and he will go into more of the splitting and do something crazy. So I downplayed it just to avoid it, again. (I'm sure anyone who has been with these people knows this cycle well).

communication sounds like it is totally broken down here; neither of you trust, speak your feelings, or trust the other.