I Feel Very Alone

[paperinkart]

Hey friends,

This post might be more about me than about my BPD-partner.
I’m sure some of you have seen my recent posts on here about our struggles. Things have been really hard and especially up and down lately.

He’s been in another province working away from home for almost 7 months. We’ve had some wonderful visits (and some challenging ones) but overall things were fairly smooth in the beginning of him leaving.

Now, as we approach the finish line (he’s coming home April 1), it’s been getting worse. He’s so tired and stressed and sick of this job. His grandfather (who he was extremely close with) passed away unexpectedly a few weeks ago; and now the extreme anxiety surrounding COVID.

I’ve done my best to support him but I’m also struggling with my own life/mental health. I am self-employed and my business has flatlined this week. I’m not sure how I’ll pay rent at the end of the month, let alone other bills and I’m really, really stressed.

Anyway, we were chatting last night on the phone and got into a fight. We were both on-edge. We kind of blew up at each other and it didn’t end well. I messaged him later to apologize for getting so angry, and he apologized this morning. He said he’s been so out of it and feels like he’s living in a dream.

I told him thanks for the apology and that I understood. Then he followed up with “maybe we shouldn’t talk for the next 10 days” (when he moves back home).

I didn’t reply. I probably won’t. Why on earth did he say that right after an apology? I just can’t follow along with his thought processes- it doesn’t seem to make logical sense .

What should I do? I think if I don’t say anything, he’ll get scared and want to talk. I doubt he’ll last even 3 days not speaking so...

Anyway, I just needed to vent because I’m already feeling so isolated and alone (aren’t we all?) and now my best friend and favourite person also doesn’t want to talk. How can I get him to see that it needs to be us against the problem, not us against each other all the time? I want us to lean into each other when things get stressful, not have more relationship conflict due to outside stress...

Sorry I’m making this long. I’m just sad and frustrated. Thanks for listening <3

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Rev]

Anyway, I just needed to vent because I’m already feeling so isolated and alone (aren’t we all?) and now my best friend and favourite person also doesn’t want to talk. How can I get him to see that it needs to be us against the problem, not us against each other all the time? I want us to lean into each other when things get stressful, not have more relationship conflict due to outside stress...

Sorry I’m making this long. I’m just sad and frustrated. Thanks for listening <3

Hi Ink,

Just wanted you to know that I read this and I listened.   

If you were here, I would be sitting with you in silence and letting the silence speak your answer. You do such a wonderful job - courageous even - in naming the levels of stress you are feeling. It must be pretty heavy and I am really sorry that this is happening. These are new times right now and they will test anyone and everyone - especially in terms of all relationships.

So,  can you imagine us sitting if front of each other - in silence. Let the silence speak to you for as long as it takes until the answer comes clear. That's the real challenge. In the midst of change we forget what hasn't changed. Your inner voice knows - it's still there.

Start the conversation as best as you can - one step at a time.

Good luck. You got this. Reach out again.

Rev.

[solspectre]

I can relate very much to what you have posted, in feeling alone amidst this insane sort of behavior, and especially now with the current COVID crisis. I also relate to the distance issue, (mine is a bit different in that currently there is no way whatsoever to be together physically) but how the dynamics of distance play a role in dealing with people with this disorder. Also in the stress he said he is facing with his job and so on, (my partner also).

I really understand this thing where he apologized, and then backtracked by saying he would want to take ten days away (this has happened to me before as well) and then 24 hours later he returned... These are hollow apologies. Even he told me once, "Well, I did nothing wrong of course! I just apologized because that is what you must do when there is a disagreement." Of course ask him any day or moment about this and he will change his answer.

I cannot offer much at the moment by way of advice as I am going through my own struggles here, except to say that I agree with Rev. It is great that you have expressed this and understand the process of your feelings on this, it can be so confusing sometimes, even when we know ourselves very well - how someone like this can totally blindside us.

I don't know how capable someone like this is to ever see it is "us against the problem" as you say. I think it depends on the person. Is he willing to acknowledge his end of things? Mine never takes responsibility, and that is a serious problem. No matter what, he always finds a way to turn "us" into "against each other". I hope it's not that bad for you, and that you two can find resolution, and that you have come to a positive mutual understanding.

[paperinkart]

I can relate very much to what you have posted, in feeling alone amidst this insane sort of behavior, and especially now with the current COVID crisis. I also relate to the distance issue, (mine is a bit different in that currently there is no way whatsoever to be together physically) but how the dynamics of distance play a role in dealing with people with this disorder. Also in the stress he said he is facing with his job and so on, (my partner also).

I really understand this thing where he apologized, and then backtracked by saying he would want to take ten days away (this has happened to me before as well) and then 24 hours later he returned... These are hollow apologies. Even he told me once, "Well, I did nothing wrong of course! I just apologized because that is what you must do when there is a disagreement." Of course ask him any day or moment about this and he will change his answer.

I cannot offer much at the moment by way of advice as I am going through my own struggles here, except to say that I agree with Rev. It is great that you have expressed this and understand the process of your feelings on this, it can be so confusing sometimes, even when we know ourselves very well - how someone like this can totally blindside us.

I don't know how capable someone like this is to ever see it is "us against the problem" as you say. I think it depends on the person. Is he willing to acknowledge his end of things? Mine never takes responsibility, and that is a serious problem. No matter what, he always finds a way to turn "us" into "against each other". I hope it's not that bad for you, and that you two can find resolution, and that you have come to a positive mutual understanding.

Thanks so much to both of you for such thoughtful responses!

He does acknowledge his behaviour and his apologies feel genuine but sometimes, it very quickly turns into a “I’m sorry I’m such an asshole. This is why everyone leaves me and this is why I’m so alone”- very much a victim mentality

We’re in the middle of a discussion right now where literally every other message is a kind, sincere apology and then he sends another message that just undoes everything he just said. I’ll copy the slew of messages below because I can barely keep up:

Him: “Literally everything I tried to do for 12 hours is sh*t (he means at work). So then I wait for direction and that’s sh*t.
“Now my attitude has turned to sh*t. And all my relationships.
And I’m useless. And friendless. And tired. And alone. And mad. And sad.

And you’re my punching bag and that’s not fair.”

This all came as a series of messages. So then I said:

“I know things are difficult for you. Anyone would feel this way in this situation”

Him: “ Thanks for saying something. Would have loved to have been talking to you right now” (he means on the phone but we had to hang up because we were starting to argue). I thought this was a nice message after all that but I wanted to set a boundary:

Me: “ I'm not going to be your punching bag. You're right, it's not fair. So eat your dinner and when you feel better and not so "ready to attack" on the offence, I'm very happy to talk again

Him: “ But I put one toe out of your sensitive line”

Me, rolling my eyes in my head: “ You're not the only one feeling extra sensitive. I promise to keep my emotions in check if you can try to do the same.“

Him:” No I think I'll continue this pattern of asshole ness and just continue pushing everyone away for the rest of my life“

LOL who says that? This is exhausting. I can’t get a simple apology without a novel of feelings. And I can’t even get a nice, self-reflective message without this nonsense immediately after.

All I said to that was “okay then. Go eat your dinner. You’ll feel better after”

Ughhhhh I’m so frustrated right now. I just wanted to have a nice, lighthearted fun and easy talk and it started out with lovely jokes and just SO quickly turns to this drama before I can even keep up with it.

Okay, that’s all my ranting for now.

Thanks again for reading and caring!

[solspectre]

Ahhhhh so familiar! Yes, I have heard all of that too, the part about the job is exactly the same, he says the exact same things as well, except the difference is he does not apologize for being an asshole. (On occasion he might). Wow, listen to me, that is so messed up...

Him:” No I think I'll continue this pattern of asshole ness and just continue pushing everyone away for the rest of my life“

LOL who says that? This is exhausting. I can’t get a simple apology without a novel of feelings. And I can’t even get a nice, self-reflective message without this nonsense immediately after.

Ughhhhh I’m so frustrated right now. I just wanted to have a nice, lighthearted fun and easy talk and it started out with lovely jokes and just SO quickly turns to this drama before I can even keep up with it.

Indeed, I very much feel you here. And "before I can even keep up with it" yes! I find it so overwhelming. It is as if he bombards me with this so much that I don't even know how to react, I start to feel incapable of processing anything. But in your situation here, what I do not like is how you were being so sweet to him, and he just pooped all over everything you said and it caused you to be actually apologizing for his reactions in a sense by saying you would also watch your reactions (gods, I do this too, because I really do not like having to deal with his BS) and I think maybe if I say I will not be sensitive as well... because, loathe to us if we tell them the truth about it all...

It is totally insane how just a simple conversation turns so awful so quickly. When I happen to talk to anyone else, I am always so relieved and shocked how well and peaceful these conversations go, because they aren't constantly doing this all the time.

I know it is not probably worth it, but I do wish he would stop luring me in with other ways. What keeps you involved yourself? What keeps you from moving on?

For me it is a combination of rare personality traits, he has a way of casting spells over me, and this side of him did not come out until recently. And that I have some health issues which makes finding partners difficult as well.

I keep going back and forth. "This is unhealthy and the most damaging ever, it is absolutely killing me, I must leave" and then, "He is such a beautiful soul, he is so insanely romantic and close, nobody has ever done this, or said this to me" etc (and indeed it is true, because most people don't like to go to the places they do.)

[once removed]

And you’re my punching bag and that’s not fair.”

This all came as a series of messages. So then I said:

“I know things are difficult for you. Anyone would feel this way in this situation”

Him: “ Thanks for saying something. Would have loved to have been talking to you right now” (he means on the phone but we had to hang up because we were starting to argue). I thought this was a nice message after all that but I wanted to set a boundary:

Me: “ I'm not going to be your punching bag. You're right, it's not fair. So eat your dinner and when you feel better and not so "ready to attack" on the offence, I'm very happy to talk again

Him: “ But I put one toe out of your sensitive line”

Me, rolling my eyes in my head: “ You're not the only one feeling extra sensitive. I promise to keep my emotions in check if you can try to do the same.“

generally speaking, this is pretty defensive (and/or aggressive) on your end.

i dont think not responding to "maybe we shouldnt talk" (unless its what you want) is a good idea.

[paperinkart]

Ahhhhh so familiar! Yes, I have heard all of that too, the part about the job is exactly the same, he says the exact same things as well, except the difference is he does not apologize for being an asshole. (On occasion he might). Wow, listen to me, that is so messed up...

Indeed, I very much feel you here. And "before I can even keep up with it" yes! I find it so overwhelming. It is as if he bombards me with this so much that I don't even know how to react, I start to feel incapable of processing anything. But in your situation here, what I do not like is how you were being so sweet to him, and he just pooped all over everything you said and it caused you to be actually apologizing for his reactions in a sense by saying you would also watch your reactions (gods, I do this too, because I really do not like having to deal with his BS) and I think maybe if I say I will not be sensitive as well... because, loathe to us if we tell them the truth about it all...

It is totally insane how just a simple conversation turns so awful so quickly. When I happen to talk to anyone else, I am always so relieved and shocked how well and peaceful these conversations go, because they aren't constantly doing this all the time.

I know it is not probably worth it, but I do wish he would stop luring me in with other ways. What keeps you involved yourself? What keeps you from moving on?

For me it is a combination of rare personality traits, he has a way of casting spells over me, and this side of him did not come out until recently. And that I have some health issues which makes finding partners difficult as well.

I keep going back and forth. "This is unhealthy and the most damaging ever, it is absolutely killing me, I must leave" and then, "He is such a beautiful soul, he is so insanely romantic and close, nobody has ever done this, or said this to me" etc (and indeed it is true, because most people don't like to go to the places they do.)

Thanks for your reply!

I definitely didn’t mean to make it seem like I was apologizing because I wasn’t haha. I was mostly just trying to recognize the role I played in our argument. I didn’t want it to feel like I was pointing the finger only at him, when I know I am quick to blow up and get angry, especially when I’m feeling anxious.

I thought I would have a better reaction if I worded it as something we both need to be improving on,  not just pointing out his wrongdoings.

When you asked why I stay, I had a really good think about it because I wanted to give a very honest answer. While I do have my own codependency and anxious attachment styles that I need to address, at the core of it, I know he has an extremely gentle and kind soul. He is the funniest person I know. He is often extremely sweet and is the best listener. He supports me and believes in me and my dreams more than anyone I’ve ever known (even more than my own family). He is SUCH a good dad. I love seeing him and his son together. I have formed a very close relationship with his son, his sons mom and some of his family members. They all play a huge factor in my decision to stay. Most of them don’t know about our struggles but they are people I love dearly.

When we first started dating (like, even before our first date), I started writing everything sweet that he said or did down. I write adventures we took together or fun moments we have. I’m so, so glad I have done that for 2+ years now. Sometimes BPD completely overshadows our relationship and I forget we have amazing times too. Luckily I can go back and read over 2 years of happy memories and remember that it’s not always so hard.

[once removed]

have you spoken since?