I don’t really seem to fit a category here. I have a friend who is neither family nor significant other. I’ve never done anything like this before. I’m not totally comfortable with people I cannot assess visually. But, neither do I want to take part in in-person groups just now.
My friend and I also began sharing a house this year, albeit with totally separate living spaces. I have known this friend — I’ll call them M of MF (my friend)— to have some kind of personality disorder, virtually since we met 2 years ago. Shortly after that meeting, I began keeping their dog who had terrible separation anxiety. I did not get paid. That was my decision. I doubt most could afford to have someone look after their animal for such long hours. He just wasn’t doing well being left alone long hours with someone else walking him only 30 min or so/day. He and I have a very close relationship and that has caused problems— almost since the beginning.
I feel rather sick writing this so openly. But, I am in a vulnerable situation. And, this is one stressor at the end of a long line.
It’s so late and I’m very tired. So, let me just list symptoms with which I am dealing. Initially, I thought it was borderline personality disorder. It really seems like some kind of mix of a paranoid personality disorder, explosive personality, and borderline. Then I found Schizotypal Personality Disorder and that seems to fit.
Symptoms:
1. Near constant extremely distorted interpretation of other’s intentions. No matter how innocuous or even kind a comment someone makes, there is this huge...and I mean ranting explosion about how horrible their life is, how unfair it’s always been, how horrible this other person or people are, how the other’s are
PLEASE READing stupid, mean, etc. and my friend is constantly abused or ill treated.
There was a time when I could say, “I don’t really hear that in their texts, what you’re reporting they said, etc.”. And, many, many times after a cooling off period, M would text back and say basically, “yes, I see that now”. But, M never seems to see the pattern in order to stop herself. Another common acquaintance once remarked to me, “(M's) such a victim”.
2. Extreme perception of relatively minor problems and everyday inconveniences as major life difficulties which are just “another” example of M’s unrelievedly “
PLEASE READing” unfair life. MF uses “
PLEASE READing” a lot and with a lot of anger. Because MF really perceives everything — no matter how small as a huge, end of the world unfairness imposed on them, the perception has been constantly validated in M’s psyche millions of times by now.
3. M can speak extremely bluntly and rudely to others to tell them how they should behave or what is wanted from them. But, no one can ask MF in even the most reasonable of terms for something completely reasonable and what follows is invariably a rant about how unfair MFs being treated or how wrong someone is in their approach to MF. Examples:
A. Last year, there was an incident involving the pet who spends most of his time with me. At the dog park, another dog attacked him. It lasted a few seconds, only. Yes, it was traumatic. He had four bite mark wounds across his head where the larger dog had put MF’s smaller dog’s head on her mouth. I called to say I was taking him to the vet (we have the same vet for our pets...M’s outbursts and unpredictable behavior there have caused them to see MF as unstable). I reported the damage did not seem severe, more emotional trauma than anything. MF left her job and was immediately at the dog park. M was extremely emotional which I think was more traumatizing for the dog than the actual attack and damage. M’s supervisor called M from work as M was getting in the backseat of my car with the dog to go to the vets. I have no idea what the supervisor wanted, now that a M immediately and in extreme harshness said, “What (name), what do you want? My dog has been attacked and I can’t
PLEASE READing talk right now. I can’t take care of everybody else’s problems.” I was shocked. I my mind, there is never any reason to speak to another like that. I’d heard other rants, but never such harsh and unwarranted words to another.
B. For about 2 months, when I temporarily lived about 25 miles away for almost 8.5 months, I had to drive about 50 miles round trip to get the dog and transport him home. Initially this was five days per week. Some days, it was on the heels of hours spent with an Alzheimer’s friend who lived just down the street. I returned the dog home because M didn’t want to be alone at night.
I did this because I well knew the horrible degree of separation anxiety the dog had and I couldn’t stand for him to be so stressed. We did work some days when I didn’t make the journey. In the beginning, I had assumed M would offer at least gas money. M is very quick to think others owe money even when that’s not so. Over a period of two months, I was spending from $80-120/week on gas. Finally, after two months and knowing there would be a set to, I asked if I could be given $20/week ($80/month) just for gas expenses. Sure enough there was a total explosion: I was accusing M of taking advantage of me, it was thought I loved the dog so why was I now demanding money to care for him, etc, etc, etc...The third full month I received $80 but with anger directed at me. The next month I received nothing. Then I did receive the money for the remaining months.
3. One night I got this long series of I think drunken texts about how disloyal the dog was because he loved me more than M. That M had done everything for him since he was almost newborn and it was said dog’s were so loyal but M guessed (dog’s name) just wasn’t the loyal type. It was the second incident which made me really reflect that a larger mental disorder was at work.
I have to go for now. I hope a partial start is good. But, it’s late and I must get to bed. Hopefully someone out there has a similar relationship and has advice for coping skills. Back with more later.
