Extreme Jealousy

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Hey guys!

I haven’t been on here for a few weeks because things have actually been going really well with my uBPD partner.

He came home from working out of town and after a rocky adjustment period, things are finally feeling really normal and good between us, for the first time in months.

I’ll try to keep this brief but basically I’m writing to ask about extreme jealousy after something that just happened. I’ve been looking to buy a classic project car for a few months and him and I have seriously started looking these past few weeks. We’ve always had a shared interest in cars and it gets us both so excited to talk about it. I’ve gone with him to go see dozens and dozens of cars for himself over the last two years, and I’ve done many trips with him 3 or 4 hours out of town just to pick up cars for him.

He just bought another one a few days ago and on the 3 hour drive home, said to me “I owe you big time for all of these trips. ANY time you want to go look at a car, no matter where in the country it is, I’m there!”

So today, after all this looking, I found an amazing deal on the classic car of my dreams. I spent all day making plans to go pick it up next week and arranging a tow truck (it’s 3 hours out of the city). I was SO excited to tell him the whole story and waited all day until I could call him and tell him over the phone.

He was really excited at first but then said “well, it sounds like you don’t really need me to come along. You already have a tow truck so why do I need to come?”

I reminded him of what he said and told him I couldn’t imagine doing this without him. I honestly felt pretty deflated that he wouldn’t even want to be there. He assured me he didn’t mean it and that he was just joking around and “of course I’ll be there, I would love a road trip!”

But the conversation just felt weird after that. He said again that maybe he shouldn’t come for the trip, for other stupid reasons. He started on this tangent about “what if this guy is so nice and we are supposed to be together” and he doesn’t want to be “that guy” that stands in the way of that. Like, WHAT? I’m getting a car from him, not marrying him! He hinted many times that he was extremely jealous about the car. I obviously would be too if the roles were reversed, but at that point, what can I even say? He was trying hard to swallow his jealousy but was doing a poor job so finally I just told him that I’d give him some time to calm down and we could talk about this later.

I’m a bit mad at this point that I can’t even have something so wonderful happen to me without it becoming all about him and his feelings, and worrying about comforting him. Any ideas on how to deal with this extreme jealousy in a healthy way?

I obviously still want him to come along on this trip and for it to be a fun experience but I’m also happy to go by myself if it’s just going to be a source of conflict for us.

Thanks for reading!

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As if my post wasn’t already long enough, I do feel that I should also add that even though I’m upset that he can’t just put his jealousy aside and be happy for me, I DO understand his feelings. I myself can be a very, very jealous person. But I also know how to suck it up and put on a happy face for the people I care about. I just wanted him to do the same, but since he can’t, how can I not make it worse? Is he going to get all worked up every time he sees the car? Am I not going to be able to be excited around him anymore? Please help me de-escalate this so it doesn’t get any worst! Thanks!

[Intrigued04]

Hi there!
I'm not sure I really have advice for you, but I can definitely relate to your story. I have a close friend that I've known for almost a decade and, although he's not diagnosed, he definitely fits the criteria for BPD to a T. He becomes extremely jealous when I talk to any other guy and will suddenly become cold and distant. He won't necessarily ignore me, but you can tell that he's bothered.

On one occasion, I mentioned that I was going to bring a date to his birthday outing. By date, I meant a surprise mutual friend who wanted to see him. That's how I explained it to my friend but it didn't matter.  Since I said 'date' he became jealous, and the next day when I called to wish him happy birthday and follow up about the event, he didn't answer my call or text! 

At times I've wanted to just flat out ask if he's feeling jealous but I didn't think he would admit to it. Instead I would question him and just say that it seems you're feeling X type of way. I'd offer a chance to talk but if he refused then I let it go. My thought is that anytime they feel or even perceive that there might be a possibility they could be replaced or that you enjoy being around other people, they feel inferior or not good enough. It's really sad because even if you always include them or reassure them, it doesn't change their perspective or make them believe you. I guess the advice I can give you is what I tried to do which is just remain consistent. Always allow your words to match your actions and maybe, little by little, they'll start to feel safer and more comfortable that you're not trying to replace them.