Totally Lost after 20 years

[haitch]

Hello,

I am new here and this may be a long post, so please bear with me. Short story first:

• Suspected my partner has BPD
• Together for 20 years
• 2 Teenage children
• Caught her sexting an ex colleague about 4 years ago
• February this year I called off our relationship as I couldn't handle the lies and stress anymore
• She started texting another man
• Got back together after a few weeks
• Agreed to couples therapy, had one session before lockdown hit
• Just discovered she's still texting this other man

So, we've been together since we were teens and it's nearly 20 years now. We have 2 teenage children and have had our ups n downs as all couples do but I have always thought something wasn't right but stuck it out due to my love for her and your little family.

I went for depression therapy late last year and early this year and realised that my partner may have BPD so started looking into it.
She also comforted in me by stating that she needs therapy too for what's going on in her own head. We had a small chat about BPD which actually went quite well and she agreed that it could be a possibility she has it. She is still awaiting her first therapy session and wants me to go with her because she says that I don't know half of what' going on in her mind.

During February though I had an absolute guts full of the constant white lies, debt and her attitude towards me. I said I think we should call it a day. I mentally cannot do it anymore. It's been nearly 20 years of dealing with her (possible) BPD issues. So we split up but I slept on the couch whilst trying to get stuff (finances) together to move out.
Sidenote: We have no savings, no credit to get a loan and no family to rely on financially or to move in with.

During this few weeks before we decided to give things another shot she created a few online dating profiles and started texting a certain man. He lives abroad, a short plane ride away. She even took out a payday loan to book a flight to go see him.
I found this out by checking her phone. Yes, I know I shouldn't but it got the better of me.

So, we decided that we should go to therapy together and give things one last try. We went to one session before lockdown happened.
It seemed to go well and we realised that communication was an issue and we now need to be open and honest 100% of the time, no matter what. First two weeks at home went well. We made progress.
Since then she has gone quiet again. But, other things in our life seemed to improve and when she got down she said she didn't want to talk about it until her personal therapy session.

During this time my anxiety & insecurity was through the roof. I have been trying so hard to not let it get to me or affect our relationship. She had promised in therapy that she has cut ties with this other man, and has blocked his number etc etc
She has been very secretive with her mobile phone, she doesn't communicate with me over Facebook like we always used to and she makes me drop her off/pick her up from work around the corner instead of at the door as I always had done.
I've tried to talk to her about things things but I don't really get any decent response or reasons.

This week, I checked her phone. and saw texts to this other man. She had obviously deleted most of the conversation but there was a couple texts left.

Now... after thinking we were going to make one big real go of fixing our relationship; I cannot trust her 1 little bit. I am totally heartbroken, disgusted and lost.

I don't know what to do next. I can't confront her because I have no where to go, not just because of lockdown, but because I have no finances etc.

I am totally lost as to what to do next... i really need help

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[juju2]

Welcome

You are in the right place!

there is a lot here.  Strength, experience, tools, learning.

In your story, I didn't get if you are married.

First off, I would take time and breathe.  Pause.  If there is a book you enjoy, some activity you can do to give your mind a break.

Nothing has to be done now.

Time is on your side.

None of this happened overnite, none will be resolved overnite.

Read more on here has you can.  Self soothe.  Get in to a good mental place.  What I do is call someone who I can count on to be positive.  A friend who is cheerful, who can help me get myself in to a better head space...

Share more as you can.

Think of five things you are grateful for today.  Write those down.  Think of five new things each day and write them down when you get up each morning.

There is help, hope, strength here and experience.

You are in the right place.

juju

[haitch]

Thank you for your reply.

I have tried to keep myself busy today but it's difficult.

We are not married. Sorry, I do not know how to edit the original post.

What I am finding hard right now is looking her in the eye, talking to her and behaving 'normal' with her. When I know this information but I cannot talk to her about it. I cannot confront her because I should not have been checking her phone and because of this lockdown and my financial circumstances, I have no where to go.

I'm trying to figure out why she would go against her word whilst we are supposed to be reconciling our relationship? I love her so much and don't want to ever be apart from her but I think I need to realise that I cannot have that happiness with her because of this.

[juju2]

Yes I understand your dilemma.

time helps.

Text messages are low on emotional weight.

it's easy, no commitment form of communication.

It's not something you were included in.  Technically it's not for you.  I can barely keep up with the things directed to me, let alone things not for me.

Keep reading here, share as you feel comfortable, find something you enjoy to occupy your mind.

It's 100% in my control what I choose to think, say, do, and be.

once you start being grateful in an active way--writing things down on paper--it seems to hedge against rumination, dwelling, negativity.

That's what it does for me.

My thoughts indicate to me where I need to work on myself.

Hang in there!

[haitch]

Thank you.

I agree that my thoughts are something I can control, although this concept is new to me and I am struggling with suicidal thoughts several times every day.

I need to figure out what to do next though. With my life, and my relationship.
I'm really not sure. This new discovery has thrown me so far off course.
I thought we were making good progress and things would be better after a good hard, shared, struggle to become better people and better together.

But she's yet again gone and hurt me and broken my trust. The sad thing is I cannot confront her about it and ask WHY? because she doesn't like me looking at her phone...

[juju2]

Hi

I know it can be difficult.

I think from what I have been reading, bpd have poor boundaries, poor impulse control.

And that can lead to flirtations.

In the grand scheme of things it is a small thing, a text.

I am not diminishing it, just saying a text has no value.

It's not a phone call.

It helps me to focus on other things.

If I can find good things.  Because I can't change the past.  I can't change another person.

I need to hear this also.  I struggle with this.

[Gibson56]

I'm sorry you're going through this, I know exactly how you feel.  I found myself checking her phone and "snooping".  Couldn't believe a word she told me.  Being paranoid and insecure all the time is not healthy at all.  I realized she was incapable of rebuilding the trust and didn't care enough to do so.  I've separated and it's so much easier not having to worry about what she is up to.  She wouldn't go to therapy though.  If she was up for that we may have been able to work through some of our issues.

[haitch]

The fact that this has happened twice, and the second time being after we both had our first couples therapy is shocking.
I just cannot believe it.

I'm trying to think logically about her (possible) BPD coming into play but as you mentioned Gibson56, it's not healthy if I am constantly checking up on here and cannot trust her. Trust was something I was building on over the last few weeks and now it's all gone.

I don't know when our next therapy session would be because of this lockdown but am not sure I even want to go now.
My only issue is that I have no where to go. I would have to live in my car for at least a month. That's not good, especially when I have kids.

I am totally lost.

[haitch]

Do you think I should confront her about it?
Obviously, snooping is not going to down well but I cannot pretend to be happy when I am not.

[Gibson56]

For me trust and honesty are the foundations for even being friends.  It's like the first step.  When I confronted her she would deny or lie about it first.  Then she would say sorry a bunch of times while sheepishly admitting it.

Ultimately she ended up calling me a stalker.  Says I invaded her privacy.  Before I ever snooped I had a strong gut feeling.  So I can't offer much advice here it may different in your situation. 

In the end I'm glad I did because it led to some resolution after being stuck for so long in the same patterns.  The lockdown made things worse and luckily I have the means to get my own place.  I've been lost for a long time I know the feeling.

[haitch]

Yes, she has told me that I am invading her privacy too. But when you have that gut feeling (and having found things out in the past) then I just need to know.

I feel like having couples therapy would either make or break us and I put all my emotional effort into this, only to have her still in contact with this other guy.

I'm heartbroken. Again. I don't think I can carry on with her anymore. At the moment I have to pretend to be happy though because I have no where to go and literally cant because of lockdown.

[juju2]

H.

so you mention you have teenage kids.

you will take the kids with you or what.

this stuff isn't easy.  Am just wondering if she has some type of real problem on top of BPD.  at the least it is a boundary issue and she is being foolish.

Am just wondering if there is a way to diffuse it..

for me it's a fantasy world thing and it's part of magical thinking possibly..like men who are in to porn.  they will never do anything except look at pictures or on the internet.  people think it's harmless.

would she be ok with you looking at pornography...she just doesn't understand what the issue is and it's her privacy also.

[haitch]

I have no where to go. No money, no savings and I am not able to get a loan. So if I go, I will be living in my car for at least a month. So I cannot take the kids with me.

I don't know what her issue is but i'm feeling suicidal right now. I don't know how much more I can take of being hurt. And because I cannot move out, I am stuck here pretending that everything is ok with her and it's killing me inside not being able to tell her

[Gibson56]

I had several strategies to deal with things.  After I snooped a couple of times, I realized I was sort of traumatizing myself and it wasn't worth it.  Again, I don't want to be that paranoid guy.  It's not who I am.  I heard about the 3 C's.. I didn't cause it, can't control it, can't cure it.  Used that as a mantra for a while.  I would also completely focus on myself as though I lived alone in the house, planned my day out entirely on my own.  I tried to emotionally separate myself from the situation.  This would also keep me mostly in her 'pull' state where she would ask to hang out with me and wonder what I was doing instead of me trying to get her attention.  These may not be the best strategies but in the end you can only control yourself.  Hang in there.

[haitch]

Since we had our first (and only) couples therapy session, I have been more independent and doing my own things. Also, trying to not think about the situation too much too. I thought that may help a little but obviously it hasn't.

This last couple of days I've tried to reach out and have a 'catch up talk' about our relationship but I get the impression that she doesn't want to talk.

I don't want to be snooping on her either. What's the point of a relationship where every single day I am wondering what she is doing? That's not healthy at all.

I don't know what to do now. I can't confront her about the texts. But it's eating me up inside knowing that she has betrayed my trust yet again.

I will probably end up living in my car from next week when lockdown ends (if it does). That will be really bad as we have kids. But I won't have a choice.

[juju2]

H

there is no reason for you to live in your car.

So this is similar to reading someone's diary.  It's a private place.  And if you do read a diary, all it is is private thoughts.  I am better off not going into his private email, text, etc.  I agree w Gibson, just build yourself up.  No one is asking you to leave.

Focus on gratitude.
When I go in to rumination, negativity, all that helps is noticing my mind has run amok.  Gratitude stems off negativity in my experience.

I write 5 things or more every day I am grateful for.  You can try this if you want.

Heck, look at things people endure.  Ghandi, Mother Theresa.  The power of your mind is infinite.

[haitch]

I have no money and no where else to go. It'll take about 2 months to get help for my own place.

I am being grateful, meditating, walking, running, & exercising.

I just don't understand why she is doing this to me and us and I don't know what to do. I love her with all my heart, she is being nice to me, romantic, thoughtful, cuddling, sex... it's all normal but yet she lies. Even after we go to therapy she still lies.

I don't know if I can be in a relationship with someone who doesn't seem to respect me. BPD or not. I don't want to leave. I don't want to split my family apart but what else can I do?