Lose/Lose

[Pugman]

10 plus years married to my ubpdso. I’ve fought and fought to keep this marriage going, and no matter what it’s always my fault. Things have been getting really bad the last couple of weeks...she gets in these manic phases, and I swear she has some sort of bipolar disorder as well. Anyway, I have been trying for some weird reason to get her to accept any sort of responsibility for anything. Of course this isn’t going very well, and ultimately emotions run so high that I separate myself temporarily. Her primary response to anything is that we are getting a divorce. It has been that for almost 9 years, but part of me still believes her.

 I digress...she was on my case today because she had a morning eye dr appointment that she wanted me to reschedule, it was at 1015, so at 9am I called to move the appt. Later in the day she asked me “when did you call to move my eye dr appt?” I told her that I did it around 9am. She then got angry and said “I told you to reschedule it yesterday, and you waited until this morning, so now I look like a total flake! You always make me look bad and you don’t care that you do!” Now...Her time frame is so out of whack that she goes to bed at 5am and anything before that is “yesterday”.  Now at 615pm the night before (really yesterday),  she had sent me a text message asking if I was still planning to go with her to her eye dr appt in the morning which I said yes I was. At about 3am, she woke me asking me to cancel the appt.
So after berating me about making her look bad, I decided to show her the proof that I wouldn’t have been able to move the appt until the doctors office opened. She’s so sleep deprived and defensive that she wouldn’t even accept the evidence, however once she put together the facts she finally admitted. “You are right”. Which was immediately followed up with: “are you that desperate to prove me wrong, and try to always be right? That’s a real a** hole move!” I tried to explain that I just wanted to know what the truth about the situation was, because she feels like she is the purest form of honesty in all things. But then it occurred to me...though I feel like I should have always known this...either argument or defense wouldn’t have mattered. I know JADE, it’s one of the few acronyms I remember! But it really sunk in this time that for me to truly love her with as few conditions as I can...which is what I really am striving to do, that this is part of the package. I’ve accepted (or am always thriving to accept “radically” ) that this is what I am choosing, and if I want it to be the best it can, I need to remember my role, and to keep myself in line. Now she does know where I draw the line regarding her verbal onslaughts, but it’s important to remind ourselves of why we are doing what we are doing in these relationships, and to acknowledge all of the resources we have available for us to maintain the peace as best we can!

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Baglady]

Hi Pugman,

So sorry to hear about your struggles  

Quick question: why are you changing her eye apt. in the first place?  Why isn't this her responsibility?  I'm assuming that she is a healthy adult who isn't incapacitated in a way that makes this task impossible for her to take care of herself?

The word "boundaries" immediately come to mind in reading about your situation.

Hang in there,
Warmly,
B

[Pugman]

Hi Baglady,

You make a really good point. I definitely need to do better to create boundaries. This is something she wild normally do, but she asked me to help, and I always do. Though I can’t say if there was any good reason for her to not do it. That is a great reminder for me though, especially when I have become so used to certain behaviors within myself that are just habits...one of which is always trying to help. However, I can see how this can be destructive for her health.

[Aburn4827]

I can totally identify with all of this.  In fact, in some parts it was like reading about my wife.  She has a way of boxing me in situations where anything I do will be “wrong”.  For example, providing for our family and getting a “real job”.  So I go back to school get my degree, then go into the masters program.  Now it’s, “you’re never home” or “you never spend time with me”.  But when I try to make time with her, either she has stuff going on or the dreaded “it’s too late” statement.  For myself, I just keep in mind my kids, and that, even after everything that’s happened, I truly do love her and understand that it’s a disorder.  It helps, although not always.

[Pugman]

Omg mike7284, it’s totally bananas right? I deal with the we need more money/you never spend time with me dilemma ALL OF THE TIME! It is actually pretty comical. One of my favorites lately has been getting the lawn mowed...it takes me so long and we don’t get to be together...so buy a big riding mower or hire someone to do it. So I say of course I can do that...but one of us will have to work more to pay for it, which defeats the whole purpose doesn’t it? There are some times she just goes to “figure it out”, because she knows there is no reasoning that makes sense.
I also ALWAYS hear the “it’s too late”. And I can even preempt that sometimes and she still works around it. And even now I notice I used the word “always” which along with “never” are 100% absolutes...black and white. I try and be more careful with my language. Lol!

[Red5]

I have been trying for some weird reason to get her to accept any sort of responsibility for anything.

Of course this isn’t going very well, and ultimately emotions run so high that I separate myself temporarily.

Her primary response to anything is that we are getting a divorce. It has been that for almost 9 years, but part of me still believes her.

Morning Pugman,

I can certainly relate and concur with this whole thread 

… wow,

I did what you are describing for years, "attempted reasoning"… good luck with that, as you know… its called JADE, and really I tried hard to make that work… "justify my position, argue to the point of searing anger, defend my paper thin boundaries till they burst into flames, and then the  explain part… many many hours logged trying to "explain" anything to my wife (udxbpd), to no avail.

Boy, I tell ya !

She would often say, "I'm done I want a divorce"… then accuse me of the one who always says, "I want a divorce"… sometimes I would, but it was at that point that I was at the end of my rope, with no "mercy drop"…

She is my second wife, yeah, I got 'attachment "tissues" (pun intended)'… we have been together eleven years, married eight, and now separated for eight months.

I recall many times, I was set up to fail… painted into a corner, "booby trapped"… ambushed, persons whom are borderline, often abuse the ones whom are the closest to them, in our cases, the Husband, ouch…

…this is part of the package. I’ve accepted (or am always thriving to accept “radically” ) that this is what I am choosing, and if I want it to be the best it can, I need to remember my role, and to keep myself in line.

Be wary, be careful… I lost myself for years… until one day I came across bpd, and npd… and all the others in the "clusters"… radical acceptance could be very costly, to you emotionally, mentally over years spent, I have to say, I wish I'd known more early on, then I could have engaged the tools that are described here on the website… and this would have opened conduits to further learnings… which would have helped me to curtail a lot of the chaos and mayhem that I've experienced with my undiagnosed wife.

I did a lot of damage, for along time, because I didn't understand, and I gave into her rage, and endless anger.

"Had I'd only known"…

As I wrote, we are now separated, and I do still love her and miss her, I've strived to "own my own $hit"… and take my part of the responsibility of the marriage failures… but as I reflect, I also tried to "white knight", and to "savoir" her in the beginning… I am, like many of us here, a "caregiver"… and that is securely hitched, in my case; to codependency, and the role of an enabler… 

So please be careful, take care of yourself, and learn all you can about this disorder… that perpetual urge to learning seems to never slow down for me, as I've immersed myself in this since 2016…

Yes, be wary, and be careful not to let yourself be metaphorically drowned, as you support your wife… this happens to many of us "nons".

Kind Regards, Red5

[Pugman]

Wow Red5,

Thank you for your kind words of understanding! I haven’t logged on for a while as you can tell. I used to be here daily, just reading about others that can relate can be therapeutic. I found more and more that I was able to cope better and find some solace through other outlets though. And I actually found a fairly peaceful stretch of time, but ultimately it was my wife being so depressed that she just didn’t have the energy to rage and do her normal antics. I’ve since come to believe that she must have some comorbidity with bipolar disorder, as she has been on a fairly extreme manic episode for about 6-8 weeks now. Top it off with a quarantine and my relatively calm demeanor is getting its real test. 

In reading what you wrote, what kinds of steps have you taken to help your situation? I read a lot of “it’ll get worse before it gets better” when I study boundaries and limits. In your experience do you feel like that has done anything to eventually lead your SO to getting some help? My wife’s family has basically thrown in the towel, and so has my wife. I’m literally her last lifeline. She did this in a prior marriage in her early twenties, and always has chosen “flight”. But then her family was there to help support her, and she was able to use her good looks to get help from men as needed. But her family is gone, and looks have started to fade. And she is basically a shut in, never leaving the house. My ultimate goal would be for her to get some help. To see her get her meds straightened out and correct. I feel like if I hold firm enough that she won’t have a choice, but to end up in jail or at the hospital. However, she is clever enough that I worry it might just push her away for good and she will still end up not getting any help. 
Have you had any experience like this?

Thanks so much again,
Pugman