hello again,
most of us had pretty porous boundaries when we first arrived here.
for me, the way it went was my Ex would frame something as... if you really loved me... if you were really a nice person ... you wouldn't go bike riding when you could spend time with me.
and I would kind of think... oh well I do really love her... I do want to be a nice person... I guess I won't go bike riding today.
I never stopped and thought... hey if she really loved me...if she wanted to be a nice person to me... she would encourage me to do things I would enjoy.
in other words I was way too willing to give up things I enjoyed, things that were good for me to be considered a 'nice person'.
I didn't push back... and say well let's talk about this and find a solution that works for both of us. I didn't stick up for myself. I had learned that 'love' means accepting someone else's opinion more than my own.
I was a people pleaser.
For example if I want to pop out to see my mum or my sister or my friend.
It could be as simple as her feeling left out and wanting to come so I feel guilty and give in.
you will read this same story over and over again here on the boards. it happened to me. I think it happens to all of us. where there is a real effort to isolate us from our families. as if there isn't enough love to go around... and if we love and enjoy our families we are depriving them of love and affection and attention.
this is absolutely incorrect. it's not healthy behavior.
There is only so much reassurance I can give that I wouldn't dream of cheating on her, and I don't intend on leaving her.
very true. and reassuring her re-enforces the idea of her being alone is a bad thing.
I don't think it's unreasonable for me to pop out for a while, but it causes such a big deal that it's not worth it.
I think the place to look is here. it is absolutely worth it. You are absolutely worth it. as a group we are willing to put our needs second. or ignore them all together. it's usually an issue of self esteem.
I am working from home becauseof covid, I have 50 minute sessions on the phone, then a 10 min gap until the next one. In those 10 minutes I am supposed to write up my notes and prepare for the next one. But instead I am replying to her, if I fail to reply she comes up to the room where I am working.
It just feels like there isn't a minute to myself, literally, not 1 minute from the moment she wakes up till she goes to bed.
I just feel like it's affecting my work, my boss knows it too, I don't think I will get sacked, but I'm losing the price I used to have in making achievements at work.
It sounds like her constant need to be with you and be reassured by you is negatively impacting your primary relationships... with friends, with family, with work. I'd say it's not good for either of you.
how would you feel about having a conversation with her, using the tools here and establishing a boundary.
here is an example... using the When ... I think/feel... I will model.
When I am working from home I need to concentrate on writing up my notes.
I think my job performance hasn't been what it should have been lately so
I will need to turn off my phone from the hours of X to Y while I am working. I do not want to be disturbed.
Yes she will push on that. Can you stand strong and protect that boundary?
'ducks