Need some support

[mongazish]

My BPD exgf and I broke up 8 months ago and have stayed in touch. We have met up a few times to hangout, talk, get food, and have hooked up a few times since the breakup. Our communication has been friendly and relatively consistent, until about a week ago, I spent the night at her place, and within a day she stopped talking to me and I see her posting about a new guy she is seeing.

What bothers me I guess is that it was abrupt, not like the initial break that was a pretty sure thing and we were both in a weird place. And she seems to be worshipping this guy. I know it is most likely just all the fresh infatuation, but I guess that it happened immediately, and she seems so in love with this guy who seems like he has his life together way more than I do. I'm trying not to pay attention to it but it's hard. It feels like an addiction to like check on what she is up to only to see that she is apparently with an incredible guy who was everything I probably couldn't be and I obsess over it and it makes me feel horrible about myself. We had such a great friendship, at least it felt like we did, regardless of our romantic involvement. Now it feels like she only kept me around because she had no one else.

Anyone struggle with this?

[BuildingFromScratch]

Often times they keep you around as a potential partner, normally one of many potential partners. Also, they tend to idealize their new partner, which makes them seem better than they are, and also the new person will get a huge rush by being idealized (you were there at the beginning remember?) So they might feel like life is perfect for a while.

They can drop you at the drop of a hat. They will put all their energy towards their new obsession. Also, they will put on a big front trying to make things seem better than they are in their relationship, this makes them feel less shame, and it also allows them to blame you for the failure of the relationship. The truth though is that they will screw up their next relationship and they are the problem.

[Rev]

Building has it exactly right.  The only way I found out of it was to repeat the logic of it over and over and over until it tamed my emotions.

Hang in there.  But stop talking to her - for any reason.   

Rev

[mongazish]

Thank you both for your input, I needed that.

[FindingMe2011]

My BPD exgf and I broke up 8 months ago and have stayed in touch.

The illness is in constant need of a host. A split self needs a white object to mirror, in order to survive. The alternative is annihilation/death, as they see themselves as bad/black. There can never be enough, and all are welcome to play.

[b Our communication has been friendly and relatively consistent, until about a week ago, I spent the night at her place, ][/b]

This is your perception...BPD mirrors you, and this INTIMACY, spiked her ABANDONMENT fears, in many cases they leave because they know they can never keep this up and leave before you will. This is part of the endless loop that plays out, every time. The instruments change but the song remains the same.

and within a day she stopped talking to me and I see her posting about a new guy she is seeing.

The new knight in shining armor, just as you once were. She has probably played the victim to  this new host, as he has become the rescuer, and with you painted black, the illness has made you the persecutor...for now. (see Karpmans Triangle, or triangulation)

What bothers me I guess is that it was abrupt, not like the initial break that was a pretty sure thing and we were both in a weird place.

Ive had a few dysfunctional relationships, they end just as they start, on fire. I also remember the confusion and for me learning of the illness helped put things, in a little bit better perspective.

And she seems to be worshipping this guy. I know it is most likely just all the fresh infatuation, but I guess that it happened immediately, and she seems so in love with this guy who seems like he has his life together way more than I do.

Just as she did with you. In about 4 weeks or so, the devaluation will begin and maybe the cycle last longer or shorter, than yours did but make no mistake the same results will happen. The illness believes this time it will get it right, but it NEVER does, its impossible through this method.

I'm trying not to pay attention to it but it's hard. It feels like an addiction to like check on what she is up to only to see that she is apparently with an incredible guy who was everything I probably couldn't be and I obsess over it and it makes me feel horrible about myself.

BPD has a way of ripping off the bandages of emotional wounds we have spent a lifetime creating. If you solve the questions you could ask yourself, just from this paragraph, it would serve you well.

We had such a great friendship, at least it felt like we did, regardless of our romantic involvement. Now it feels like she only kept me around because she had no one else.

It was going to last as long as you could be emotionally responsible for 2. Its the illness, it NEEDS hosts.

Anyone struggle with this?

Everybody on here at some point, i would imagine. Its part of the grieving process. Keep working, I wish you well, Peace

[mongazish]

thank you RollerDerby

[Rev]

It was going to last as long as you could be emotionally responsible for 2. Its the illness, it NEEDS hosts


[/quote]

Oh... I like this image.

[brighter future]

We had such a great friendship, at least it felt like we did, regardless of our romantic involvement. Now it feels like she only kept me around because she had no one else.

It was going to last as long as you could be emotionally responsible for 2. Its the illness, it NEEDS hosts.

This is one of the most helpful statements that I've read in here. It probably applies to all or most of us. I had to learn the hard way that you can only be emotionally responsible for YOURSELF and not anyone else. I need to keep telling myself this every day going forward.

[FindingMe2011]

I need to keep telling myself this every day going forward.

As do I, and from time to time I allow my old thinking habits to creep back in. For me, I believe i may never completely rid these habits totally. Its part of who I am, yet since I started this journey 9 years ago, I see me growing towards healthier patterns. It FEELS good and not much rocks my base. I wish you well, Peace