Suggestions on How to Handle This Episode

[StrugglingGuy]

I was here a few years ago under a different name, but now I am back.  Mainly at this time to just get some suggestions, as my concern level is back up.

I am male.

I have an uBPD female living with me at my place the past 7 months.

We have been romantically involved for many years, and it ultimately culminated with us living together.  I had concerns that she had traits of BPD several years ago, hence my visits here to this board.  I've just attempted to ride out life on my own without the boards' input, hoping that things would just go away as far as these issues.  In fact, things were pretty good for a long stretch.

The present crisis is based upon her flipping out over a family event of hers triggering her, me getting upset with her for not including me in the event, and she has just lost it.

My strategy has been to basically let her be and to let her do whatever she is going to do, but I'm pretty concerned. I am even worried about my safety, though nothing has ever violently happened between she and I.

So, the blow up happened last week Monday (7/27); her adult son had a wedding last Saturday (8/1). She repeatedly told me how I would be by her side for that wedding, and of course, like many other prior promises, that did not happen; I got that news on 7/27 that I was "not allowed to be present" or whatever as the new BF for the family to meet and see, and I was extremely upset.  I have accepted the fact that she engaged in "relationship pocketing" of me (please google) on many, many, many things involving her family, and that cold hard reality is just a fact that I FINALLY have come to grips with.

IN ANY EVENT, I was very upset about the wedding issue, but not break-up level.  Just very upset.  And let her know.  Including going silent in anger Monday afternoon.

WELL SHE parlayed that last week into:

- she left Monday through Thursday night; claims she stayed in a hotel; no communication from her to me; she left, so I didn't go chase her down
- I didn't reach out to her to see if she was "ok", after she pulled that stunt; so of course "I abandoned her" by not checking up on her safety, according to her
-mainly for financial reasons, she asked to come back and stay at my place in the basement and informed me that she is moving out, but that it is hard for her to get a place quickly so she needs a place to stay in the interim (mine)
- she put all her stuff downstairs in the basement and is sleeping there
- she went to the wedding on Saturday, without me; then tells me THIS Monday (yesterday) via email how awful it was and how her family was rude to her and that she is abandoned by her family and this is the low point of her life (former domestic abuse survivor in her early 20's from some other guy's hands; she is now 52, like me)
- my response to her email yesterday of course was not understanding enough; so i get a response that she would be out of my place immediately if at all possible, and it is back to radio silence

ANY WAY, obviously there are tons more details for me to fill in the overall blanks for those with questions.  But in the interim, should I do as I am doing and:

1. just let her be
2. if she finds an apartment, just let her go
3. just be quiet and composed and let her do whatever she is going to do
4. take care of myself

I mean, this whole thing is like "manic", this latest episode. And there have been tons of them previously; i can recite them to convince if necessary, but I can assure you she completely fits the profile of all the things I read other people post about their significant others; at a minimum, she has all of the "BPD traits", if she somehow would not clinically qualify for the definition (though I think she would qualify and needs help, and a lot of it, which she has refused)

 I truly don't know what she is going to do next.  But my strategy is just to sit back, quietly, peacefully, non-confrontationally, and let her do whatever she is going to do.

And I lock my bedroom door at night for my own safety so I can sleep peacefully.

Thank you for any suggestions.  Just want to make sure I am generally on the right short-term path.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[pursuingJoy]

StrugglingGuy, hi  Sounds like you've been here before and you get the drill. Welcome back!

1. just let her be
2. if she finds an apartment, just let her go
3. just be quiet and composed and let her do whatever she is going to do
4. take care of myself

But my strategy is just to sit back, quietly, peacefully, non-confrontationally, and let her do whatever she is going to do.

Based on your story, your plan seems pretty sound.

In the meantime, how are you?

[StrugglingGuy]

I am doing ok. Fine in fact. Reason being: this is far from the first time I have gone through issues with her.

The difference THIS time, though, of course is that we are under the same roof.

And she remains. In the basement.

Mutual radio silence.

Thank you. I just am looking for some affirmation that I am not being further supposedly abusive by just letting her be, in light of very real and very serious abandonment issues she does have.

My position is I am right here, not abandoning her, but also having established certain boundaries that include that I must be treated and communicated with with basic respect.

We will see what happens.

[pursuingJoy]

I am doing ok. Fine in fact. Reason being: this is far from the first time I have gone through issues with her.

I hear ya. Learning to weather these storms, being able to say, "I'll be ok, no matter how this turns out," is empowering.

Mutual radio silence.

Thank you. I just am looking for some affirmation that I am not being further supposedly abusive by just letting her be, in light of very real and very serious abandonment issues she does have.

My position is I am right here, not abandoning her, but also having established certain boundaries that include that I must be treated and communicated with with basic respect.

I have had mixed results with radio silence. On one hand, disengaging can be a great way to allow the pwBPD to come back to baseline. Disengaging coldly (or what feels cold to them) can sometimes trigger their abandonment fears. Not telling you what to do, just throwing out food for thought.

Have you considered next steps that won't trigger her or sacrifice your self-worth/feelings/goals? What are some scenarios and how might you handle them? What do you have control over?

[StrugglingGuy]

To answer your questions, I guess my strategy is that I am not going to go out of my way to be abrasive or punishing or rude; though I am capable of those things, and have done those things in the past over other things, I'm just going to go about my business and being minimally civil.  And i know that in no way does that make me some kind of "hero"; i'm just saying that is all I got in me right now, as things like this have been recurring for years.

SHE is the one who made her declarations/choices/actions; if she truly intends to follow through on what she said to me (the moving out part, once she finds a place), then that happens.  It has been a long road to get to this spot, and I have done more than my fair share of persuading her on various things; I'm just not going to beg her to stay or attempt to persuade her to stay - no matter now or 10 years from now, she would always have the ability to leave; so if she is going to leave, ok, then she should just leave and we will go our separate ways.  Not what I want.  But she's an adult, and she has choices for her life; if what I have to offer is not "enough" for her, in whatever way she may feel i come up short, i accept that.  If I "failed" the "you gotta chase me when i run out the door for multiple days and ambiguously stay somewhere else" Test she administered, I'm ok with that.  That  behavior is just not something I want part of my life, nor is it something I would ever fathom doing myself to her or any other relationship partner (running out for days, ambiguously). 

[pursuingJoy]

i'm just saying that is all I got in me right now, as things like this have been recurring for years.

Your response sounds reasonable and it's what you have energy for right now.  That's important.

It sounds like her behavior is repeated, and you're beginning to reach the end of your rope. At least, you know something needs to shift because you don't have the energy to keep going like this. Does that sound right?

It sometimes takes getting to this point for for things to shift. I'm hopeful that they will, and you'll develop a new and better way of relating. 

You're coming to grips with the relationship pocketing. What does that mean for you?

[StrugglingGuy]

Yes, you have it exactly right that things must shift.

The relationship pocketing:  well, I could tell you a lie and say that "I am at peace with what happened" or some other line; but I won't lie to you - I'm not at that level yet.  I know I have to GET to that level at some point in my life, as I don't want to carry around all this anger and resentment toward her about it.  So PRESENTLY:  yes, I continue to be irate about it.  Irate.  Hurt.  Embarrassed. Humiliated.  Resentful. Vengeful.  Angry at myself for not making her EARN MORE her entrance into the close people in my life, who accepted her (because I went to bat for her and protected her).   But with that said, I am keeping all of those emotions inside of me for the time being; to say this day that I will be able to suppress those emotions for the remainder of my life and I never verbally explode about them - well, that is doubtful; but I'm trying.  Trying to just come to peace with all of this.  Because peace is in the end what I really want in my life; and happiness. The journey is continuing in that quest.

[pursuingJoy]

Peace will come. I might recommend staying here for a while.

I know I have to GET to that level at some point in my life, as I don't want to carry around all this anger and resentment toward her about it.  So PRESENTLY:  yes, I continue to be irate about it.  Irate.  Hurt.  Embarrassed. Humiliated.  Resentful. Vengeful.  Angry at myself for not making her EARN MORE her entrance into the close people in my life, who accepted her (because I went to bat for her and protected her).   

These are intense feelings and they're worth looking at. It sounds like you feel like you have a lot invested in this relationship, and you don't feel valued.

What do you think will help? Reading about BPD? Therapy? Talking to friends? Learning about boundaries and healthy relationships? What can you do today to sort through your feelings and really address them?

[StrugglingGuy]

Oh I'm back for a while here, that is for sure!

1. Reading about BPD - yes
2. Therapy - if need be; I am hoping to avoid that
3. Talking to friends - no; they are not supportive and warned me off about her; not ready for the "I-told-you-so's"
4. Learning about boundaries and healthy relationships - yes; when i get to the point of ever actually entertaining another romantic one; I have done that studying previously, and will again when the time comes

5. I come to the message board in part to see (a) examples from others of experiencing the same or similar situations, which is re-affirming to me and (b) to read some of the stories where I see that things for others are WAY WORSE than I actually have it, to make myself feel better! In a weird way!  But I understand the others who are in the really bad situations; I get it; I empathize; I understand.  Hopefully after my head clears, I can actually be of some sort of support to others - I don't feel particularly qualified at the moment to provide good advice to others.

6. I just am going to ride this out; focus on ME - work, myself, family, re-connect with friends, re-center myself, make myself better.  Little by little.  No quick fixes, I get it.  S-L-O-W-L-Y. Older and wiser now; well, somewhat wiser; with a few more scars

[once removed]

1. just let her be
2. if she finds an apartment, just let her go
3. just be quiet and composed and let her do whatever she is going to do
4. take care of myself

none of the above 

as i said in your other thread...move toward another approach, one of conflict resolution.

man to man, and i say this gently, this is pouty, passive aggressive behavior. i also say it as a man who has been prone to his own share of pouty, passive aggressive behavior.

dont get me wrong; shes using it too. and it has the two of you at a standstill, finger pointing, demanding contriteness from the other. its just going to get you each more of the same now and in the future.

lets go back to the origin of the conflict here.

So, the blow up happened last week Monday (7/27); her adult son had a wedding last Saturday (8/1). She repeatedly told me how I would be by her side for that wedding, and of course, like many other prior promises, that did not happen; I got that news on 7/27 that I was "not allowed to be present" or whatever as the new BF for the family to meet and see, and I was extremely upset.  I have accepted the fact that she engaged in "relationship pocketing" of me (please google) on many, many, many things involving her family, and that cold hard reality is just a fact that I FINALLY have come to grips with.

tell us more.

why do you think that you were uninvited to the wedding? how did it make you feel? what other things lead you to believe you have been relationship pocketed, and why?