Another Relationship Crisis

[strugglingBF]

What is it about dating a BPDp that just brings about crisis after crisis?  I swear they never stop and they are really starting to take their toll on me.  I am getting very close to my breaking point (meaning ending the relationship with my BPDgf of 6 years). 

The latest crisis involves my BPDgf's "best friend" (that label is like the flavor of the week with her depending on which friend she likes best at any given moment).  Regardless, this is one of her longest friendships.  It is definitely someone she is very close to and has been friends with for a long time.  So this the the friend she confides in whenever we as a couple have problems.  And if you know anything about BPDp nothing is ever her fault.  So needless to say I get painted in a very negative light.  Sometimes deserving, as I am not always the best and keeping my cool.  I have said many things out of anger that I wish I didn't.  I have had moments of nastiness with my GF that I didn't know I was capable of.  While I wish I could blame it all on her for going so far below the belt at times for so long (many times directing hate at my innocent kids and no not directly to them) that she just pushes me to a breaking point...but it is my fault for taking the bait and participating with the same amount of fury back.  I have to own it.  We have had our share of knock down drag-outs.  And this particular friend hears about them all.  Well, this "friend" sent a lengthy text to my BPDgf telling her she wants a break from their friendship because she is tired of watching her (my BPDgf) in such dysfunctional misery because her and I can't get our relationship act together.  Truth be told we can't.  We rarely go a couple days without some kind of major blow up.  Example?...she literally blew up at me because she asked me how to spell En Fuego.  When I told her it is spelled exactly as I just typed it, she told me she was getting a spell check line under her text (apparently she was making a social media post).  I told her that is the only way I know to spell it and she basically told me I was useless and hung up on me (I get hung up on almost daily when a conversation doesn't go her way, or if she gets to a point of having to admit she might not be right).  I moved on and was actually on the way over to her house when this all happened.  I show up and she shows me the post...WITH EN FUEGO SPELLED EXACTLY THE WAY I TOLD HER TO SPELL IT.  When I pointed out that I was correct in my spelling (MISTAKE) she blew up on me and it turned into a multi-topic argument and rant that again involves my kids.  Why is it so hard to say, "hey, you were right after all in your spelling and I am sorry for hanging up on you."  She actually told me I should have pushed harder and more aggressively told her my spelling was correct (because that goes over soo well).  I can give you example after example of trivial situations like this that destroy entire days.  Back to tonight's problem.  So her friend basically told her she doesn't want to be friends for a while in a fashion that basically makes my BPDgf feel like she has to choose between us.  BTW...her "friend" has some mental problems of her own.  Not sure what, but she everyone has to walk on eggshells around her as well.  She has gone through 2 marriages just since I have been in the picture the last 6 years, and she has had numerous train wreck relationships in between in which both my BPDgf and I have supporter her through.  Bad decision after bad decision we were there to support her.  Well, after my GF gave her friend a piece of her mind, and rightly so, she turned her attention to me and got into the "ya know, she is right in some ways..."   And so I end up in this constant loop or circle of chaos.  I am blamed for literally all the problems in our relationship.  I am bing blamed for her friend making the decision to end their friendship.  I get told constantly that I need to change A, B, C...and that once I change to her liking that she will consider working on herself.  I fight for couples therapy, but she is honestly scared to go because the last couples therapist we went to is the one that basically told me I am living with BPD (after my GF stopped going because therapy wasn't going her way).  She didn't officially diagnose her, but it was an area she specializes in and she would give me BPD books and ask me to read and report back with what I identify with, which was basically everything except the self-harming sections.  As you know, BPD people have major problems with rejection.  So when her friend rejected her I immediately become the reason for that rejection.  And when I become the target it is game on.  I even tried to sympathize with her about how that must feel coming from a friend.  But once I become the target or reason for whatever pain she is experiencing it doesn't matter.

It is the good times and familiarity and keep me wanting to stay in the relationship.  But those moments are becoming fewer and farther between.  My patience is that eroding and I feel like I am becoming scary close to calling it quits and dealing with the resulting temporary uncomfortableness.   

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Gemsforeyes]

Perhaps your GF’s friend, regardless of how many marriages she’s had lately, has decided it’s time to exit situations she finds unhealthy and address her own wellness.

Should she be shamed for that?  Does she owe anyone an explanation for perhaps addressing her own needs and stepping back from chaos?

Sometimes people hit a wall, wake up and simply have to say “no more, I can’t, time to fix me”.  Maybe this is her time.

Have you considered that?  Have you considered that as a possibility for you at some point?  May be worth considering...

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[strugglingBF]

Perhaps your GF’s friend, regardless of how many marriages she’s had lately, has decided it’s time to exit situations she finds unhealthy and address her own wellness.

Should she be shamed for that?  Does she owe anyone an explanation for perhaps addressing her own needs and stepping back from chaos?

Sometimes people hit a wall, wake up and simply have to say “no more, I can’t, time to fix me”.  Maybe this is her time.

Have you considered that?  Have you considered that as a possibility for you at some point?  May be worth considering...

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

Hi Gems,

That is absolutely a possibility.  I have no idea how much my BPDgf actually weighs on her with the troubles of our relationship.  She tells me that she doesn't call her friend anymore, but I have a feeling that is not the truth.  That friend has always been her first call when there is trouble in our relationship, and if my BPDgf is calling her every time she gets upset about something (which is often) I could see someone hitting their breaking point with it.  Maybe there does come a time when you have to trim the disfunction out of your life to work on yourself.  And yes, I have considered that possibility for myself.  It is both liberating and scary to think about. 

There is a fine line of confiding in a friend about the negative experiences you have with your partner.  I protect my BPDgf and don't tell my friends/family about all the horrific things that have come out of her mouth with regards to me, my kids, even my family.  If I passed all that along they would hate her and I look stupid for not moving on.  Part of me would have to agree with them.  Part of me knows they wouldn't understand the intricacies of trying to make a relationship work with a pBPD. 

My problem is establishing what level of disfunction, unhappiness, etc. is the point where the relationship just isn't worth it anymore.  There is absolutely zero intimacy in my current relationship.  I am constantly seen as the cause of all my BDPgf's problems and unhappiness.  I honestly don't think she will every look at me and want to be intimate.  I could go on and on about this subject.  But when it comes down to it we have been so hateful to each other over the years it makes you wonder if it can ever be recovered.

[Gemsforeyes]

So then SBF...

When do YOU take your step back, hit your “pause” button and actually take the deep dive into looking at your own behaviors?  What are you actually afraid of?

I’m not pointing fingers at you, please understand this.  I had to do it myself.  It was a hard wake-up call.  For me, the continuing damage was getting worse and was NOT worth it.  And I pretty much knew that at 62 this may likely be the end of “romance” for me.  Too bad, but still not worth the damage and his darkness.

And if you’re seeing ugliness in yourself, you are becoming this person.  And you will bring these behaviors into a “next” relationship.  And likely into current relationships (friendships/ family/ work).  That’s how it works.  None of us keep ourselves in a vacuum.

You can make your own call.  But if nothing changes, what’s next for you?  And for your GF?  And for your children?

Please just give these ideas some thought.

Warmly,
Gems

[strugglingBF]

So then SBF...

When do YOU take your step back, hit your “pause” button and actually take the deep dive into looking at your own behaviors?  What are you actually afraid of?

I’m not pointing fingers at you, please understand this.  I had to do it myself.  It was a hard wake-up call.  For me, the continuing damage was getting worse and was NOT worth it.  And I pretty much knew that at 62 this may likely be the end of “romance” for me.  Too bad, but still not worth the damage and his darkness.

And if you’re seeing ugliness in yourself, you are becoming this person.  And you will bring these behaviors into a “next” relationship.  And likely into current relationships (friendships/ family/ work).  That’s how it works.  None of us keep ourselves in a vacuum.

You can make your own call.  But if nothing changes, what’s next for you?  And for your GF?  And for your children?

Please just give these ideas some thought.

Warmly,
Gems

Not sure when I hit my pause button.  It is an internal conflict of wanting things to get better, then realizing they most likely won't.  As far a what I am afraid of?...that is difficult...there are a lot of things and admitting them out loud makes me feel very vulnerable.  Things like being alone.  I like sharing the experiences of life with someone...a partner.  I have my kids week on week off.  I know my mind and time will be mostly occupied during the weeks I have them.  The weeks I don't?...that unknown of what I will do with that time.   Will I find someone else that is as fun as my GF can be when things are good?  She likes to do a lot of the same things that I enjoy...boating (I have a boat that I really need two people to take out), running, biking, wine tasting, etc.   We are both Realtors and have a real estate team together.  The thought of blowing all that up is a little scary.  We have a lot of shared friends together.  Knowing her the way I do...the worry that will consume some of my thoughts about what she is doing and how she is doing.  She doesn't do well on her own...she makes poor decisions...she will most likely start drinking more...she will fall back into some of her destructive patterns that existed before me.  I have said this in previous posts...it would almost be easier if I didn't know she was BPD.  Knowing makes me feel more sympathetic to her negative traits and it makes it harder to break away.

No worries about finger pointing.  I am following you and don't mind being asked the tough questions.  This is just as much about me (possible more) than it is about my GF.

I 100% believe you become a product of your actions.  I don't even recognize myself sometimes in the moments of heating arguments.  Another conflict I have inside myself...I 100% have to take responsibility for my actions.  They are nobody else's fault but my own.  What I fail at is overcoming antagonization.  Example, lets say I am a child that walks to the bus stop every day.  On the way to the bus stop I run into other kids.  On a daily basis I am friendly, upbeat, positive...say hello...all that stuff.  Then, one day a new kid moves into the neighborhood.  Well, on the way to the bus stop every day this kid is constantly antagonizing me.  Trying to trip me, making fun of me, talking ill of my family and friends.  It is constant.  Every day...the entire way to the bus stop.  How long until any person, regardless of their amount of patience, fires back.  Defends themselves and the ones they love.  Fires back with the same anger or fury.  And the longer you hold off and let the fury inside you build, the worse you fire back.  people can tell you not to fall prey to it.  Let it go.  Let it roll off your back.  But one can only take so much before one participates and defends.  Forget about retaliation, sometimes it is just an aggressive defense.  Not sure if that makes sense.  That is how I feel sometimes.  Sure, we can go weeks or months of getting along just fine.  But my BPDgf's trigger is a hair trigger and you have no idea when or what will make it go off.       

[once removed]

when things are good

this doesnt last forever.

obviously, in the healthiest of relationships, it doesnt occur all the time.

those moments are becoming fewer and farther between.

but when a relationship is breaking down, it becomes fewer and further between. men (very generally speaking) can tend to be more content in a stagnant relationship than women. i was. for all of the fears you have, dont underestimate that things can blow up, and the pain will be far greater.

a member here said good mental health is about making hard, but healthy choices.

the choice doesnt have to be ending the relationship. it could be to reinvest and give it the best shot it has. but i would do a hard assessment of what that is going to take, whether you are up to it, whether the relationship itself is sustainable.

what do you think?