Adult child with BPD has cut off contact.

[Parents! Get help here!]

I'm so sad.  My daughter, who lives in another state, who I believe has BPD traits, has broken all contact off. She won't answer calls, or texts.  During the pandemic I've sent her books and packages for her and my six year old grandson. Weeks will go by and then she'll say that I've just sent her crap and I should stop. This has been going on and off for years. Most days I don't even know if she and my grandson are ok.  She has also missed extended family zooms.

I want to keep reaching out to her and hopefully see my grandson again, but don't know how to do so. My siblings are not helpful and she does play us off each other.

[HurtBrooklyn]

I'm so sad.  My daughter, who lives in another state, who I believe has BPD traits, has broken all contact off. She won't answer calls, or texts.  During the pandemic I've sent her books and packages for her and my six year old grandson. Weeks will go by and then she'll say that I've just sent her crap and I should stop. This has been going on and off for years. Most days I don't even know if she and my grandson are ok.  She has also missed extended family zooms.

I want to keep reaching out to her and hopefully see my grandson again, but don't know how to do so. My siblings are not helpful and she does play us off each other.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Swimmy55]

Welcome .
You are in the right place.  If you click onto my name ( or anyone's here) you will get previous posts and more of a backstory.  My adult son and I are estranged, but it is especially hurtful when grandkids are involved.
Here is something to read on estrangement that may helphttps://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=296973.0

Here are other previous posts from grandparents on here that may help:https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=330734.msg13014371
Maybe for now in the meantime, allow some space to happen; stop communication for now.  I know this is counterintuitive to what you want, but there is no forcing communication on an adult .  I am sure others, who are grandparents will chime in .   It is especially hard to go through this near the Hollidays ( hellidays) , especially this year with a pandemic going on.  You need a support network and we can be a part of that.  Do you have trusted family or friend to lean on as well?  You are not alone.  Write back here as much as you need.

[HurtBrooklyn]

Dear Swimmy: Thanks so much for your reply. You're are so right - holidays are "helldays" and the pandemic is making it just worse. Thanks for your advice about stopping contact.  I have and will and just hope she eventually comes back to me. The hardest part of this for me is figuring out what I can do that is best for my daughter and my grandson, while also taking care of myself. Thanks for the links, which I'll look at today. It helps so much knowing that others are struggling with similar issues. HurtBrooklyn

[Huat]

Hello HurtBrooklyn

I've been reading your posts and want to say...welcome on board fellow Grandmother.

I know only too well what you are going through and it is hell.  It is heart-breaking to have one's own child turn away from them.  It is so much worse to be denied a relationship with one's grandchildren.  Those words "heart ache" were just words until it started to happen to me and then I found that the heart actually can/does ache.

We are currently in the 5th year of being estranged from our daughter and our grandchildren.  One difference between you and I, though, is our ages.  I am well advanced in age...my daughter is in her mid-50's...my grandchildren now 29/31. 

We helped raise those 2 loves-of-our-lives because of all the drama that encompases our daughter's life.  They used to fly into our arms but as they grew older and one estrangement followed another they learned to take sides...their mother's.  Such is one of the traits of a person with BPD...you are either with them or against them.  Consequently, neither grandchild has a relationship with us...nor with either of their fathers and those families...and to top it off, they don't like each other.  That is the saddest part of our saga!  Another difference in our stories is that while your daughter/grandchild live far away, my daughter lives within a few blocks of me so there are times when our paths do cross in this little community.

Gotta tell you, before I found this forum...this outlet for my hurts...I had fallen into a black hole of utter despair.  It seemed that I was always crying...even waking in the middle of the night to cry.  Well, here I am now learning to look after me and reaching out to others...especially grandparents.  I see that you are doing that already...offering support to other parents who are hurting.

It is a touchy thing to give advice because all situations are different...but...I will follow Swimmy55 is suggesting that you allow some space to happen between you and your daughter.  You know for yourself if you say "no" to someone, it irks to have them keep asking.  By not respecting your daughter's "leave-me-alone" you could just be adding fuel to her fire.  That is not to say you shouldn't send Christmas/birthday/etc. wishes...but nothing in those contacts to indicate that a response is expected.

Bottom line, HurtBrooklyn, it is YOU who has to change...and you have certainly come to the right place to find the resources and support to get you on your way...learn how to better deal with your daughter's BPD behaviours.  With that said, there is no guarantee that all will ever mend with your daughter...but...your happiness should not pivot on what is happening in that segment of your life...work on bringing the sunshine into the other segments.   A mother is always a mother, though.  The heart-strings will always be tugged.

So, once again, welcome.  From one Grandmother to another...a ((HUG) .  Here is to better days for both of us.

Huat

[HurtBrooklyn]

Dear Huat:

Thank you for your kind and thoughtful response. I appreciate hearing your experiences and I'm so sad the separation has been so long for you. I am not contacting my daughter after her latest salvo, where she told me not to "buy, send, or mail anything to us." Her birthday is next week. Because this latest assault was so close to her birthday, I'm guessing I shouldn't even send her a card. But she punishes me whether I do  or don't.

It must be so difficult for you to actually see your daughter and grandchildren and still be forced away from them.  I really hope it will change. Your grandchildren are probably not escaping from your daughter's behaviors and perhaps some day, they themselves will seek help.

thank you very much for your response. This support group and responses from folks like you has made me feel sane again.