How to cope with partner BPD

[Depression = 72% of members]

My husband is so paranoid, over the last 10 years with (in his words) people trying to destroy him) I am so tired, first it was people at work, he was a postman then someone was going around on his delivery talking about him then he thought things were being written about him, then the local Parrish council talking about him, then various other people at work, when he took early retirement it was the neighbours talking about him, etc, I have given up trying to reason with him, now just change the subject or walk out the room. Sometimes he’s ok for a while, but the belief is always there. He’s on anti depressants and has talked to various people but I wonder if he’s been truly diagnosed.

[Hollie14]

My husband is so paranoid, over the last 10 years with (in his words) people trying to destroy him) I am so tired, first it was people at work, he was a postman then someone was going around on his delivery talking about him then he thought things were being written about him, then the local Parrish council talking about him, then various other people at work, when he took early retirement it was the neighbours talking about him, etc, I have given up trying to reason with him, now just change the subject or walk out the room. Sometimes he’s ok for a while, but the belief is always there. He’s on anti depressants and has talked to various people but I wonder if he’s been truly diagnosed.

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[once removed]

hi Hollie14, and

sounds exhausting, to be sure!

my ex wasnt quite on that level, but she would think that others were giving her dirty looks when they werent, or read sinister motives into others that werent especially reasonable, and that wasnt easy to deal with.

how long have you been married? has this pretty much been an issue as long as youve been together?

[Hollie14]

Been married 20 years and I think it’s been there nearly all of that when I look back at things I just didn’t recognise it for a long time. And yes he sees sinister motives too that I don’t think are there, then he goes into a bad place for a few days.

[Hollie14]

Some times I don’t know what to say or do when the perceived sinister comments come, and I know that it wasn’t meant as he thinks.

[once removed]

its been a while! glad you came back

its not easy to respond to. in general, you dont really want to take the bait or get too involved. unfortunately, if you put up a cold shoulder, he will notice, call you out on it, and before you know it youve got a fight on your hands.

have there been any recent examples? how did you respond?

[Hollie14]

I don’t know how to respond apart from keep changing the subject, most recently he thinks tat if a neighbour doesn’t wave to him that they don’t like him and rumours have gone round, won’t consider the fact that they might not have seen him or have other things on there mind

[merelytrying]

My husband feels that way about some of our neighbors (and others) too... and sometimes I do try to offer alternate explanations. It seldom works, and if he listens at all, he'll put it to one more "test" and jump to his own conclusions. So basically I don't have any answers, but you're not alone! The only thing I can suggest is that you offer sympathy for him before changing the subject. Oh, and if there's something simple I can go along with, like restarting my phone because somehow that will stop the spying on his own phone, I do it.

[Hollie14]

One of my clients is a private therapist, when she comes in we talk about this, she thinks that there are so many different trates with BPD that it’s hard to pinpoint the exact type, but it seams with all of them it can be like dealing with a child, you cannot reason with them or offer logic to their  perspective of what’s going on. I find it good to know that I am not alone.