Having a very difficult time with GF...

[cash05458]

Not sure where to start of course. Not even sure if my GF is BPD or BD. There is something very wrong tho...with her and myself certainly.

We have lived together for 6 years now. I love her very much. But she does have serious rage issues...when angry, she tells me I am the biggest piece of sh*t loser she has ever met...that she hates me (even to the point of adding...and when I tell you later I don't I will be lying)...

Over the last month I have watched as she quit her job in a very dramatic way...and fall into depression and our fights have gotten worse. The attacks have started again...as well as things I have seen before...super fast talking...sleeplessness, anxiety and panic attacks.  Crying over seemingly insignificant things.

A few days ago she again told me she no longer has feelings for me and they haven't been there for a long long time. That is hard to understand because she was saying just the opposite last week. She has always told me when calm she loves me deeply. She announced she had met a guy on facebook and has feelings for him, not me etc...and this fellow lives in England, 3000 miles away...they have been talking for a mere two weeks. She says she wants to fly to England to be with him.

I am sure you have heard this a thousand times but she tells me pretty much I am responsible for every single bad thing in our relationship. She half has me believing it to make up with her and calm her. Plus I am promising to change in many ways to get her back. I have no clue what I am doing to be honest.

At that, she got in her car and drove 250 miles down to Boston to be with her daughter. She has been there for 5 days. She texted me that she plans to return home tomorrow..but insists we are finished and she wants to be able to talk to this new facebook fellow here in the house as much as she wants. She wants to continue on with him here with me literally laying next to her in bed as she taps away on her damn phone. I asked her to cut things off with him for our sake...after all, you have spoken with him for two weeks adn this is facebook hon. She said "I can't do that to him"...This made me feel so bad about how she looks at me and our 6 years together.

I told her I couldn't stand for that...that if she wants to try to work things out with us...fine, come home please...but her staying here with me while she works out a new thing with some stranger would be humiliating for me and I won't allow. That if she couldn't not do that while here to either stay with her daughter or call a girlfriend to stay with for some time...she became enraged. I have no idea whether she is returning under those conditions tomorrow or not as she has contacted me since I told her that. 

Not sure what I am even asking of you good folks...but I know I am torn between still loving her and wanting her...being so jealous of this new found clown...and also that the dynamic between us is wearing me down...I really have hardly any self esteem left...her rage attacks and behavior are killing me. Yet, here I am wanting to work it thru...

Even worse, this is embarrassing as I am in my mid 50's...I should know better.       

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[formflier]

I'm so sorry that you are in the midst of this relationship issue and I also want to assure you that you have found a group of people that "get it".  The irrational seeming rages and mood swings (and all the rest of the stuff you described)

I told her I couldn't stand for that...that if she wants to try to work things out with us...fine, come home please...but her staying here with me while she works out a new thing with some stranger would be humiliating for me and I won't allow. 

Two things to get you started.

https://www.bpdfamily.com/content/what-does-it-take-be-relationship

and

https://www.bpdfamily.com/content/setting-boundaries

These come from two observations I have about your post. 

1.  You aren't sure what you are doing and what is going on.  (most of us that come here are unequipped...so welcome to the club!)   

2.  You do seem to have a sense of your boundaries although you don't use that term.  Is the term "boundaries" new to you?  It seems to me that you have clarified your boundary that you are willing to be in a relationship with her, but your values don't support you being in a relationship with her while she is in (or working on) a new romantic relationship with someone else.  (Do I properly understand your values?  If not..please point me in the right direction)

I'm sorry this is happening in your life.  We can help.

 

Best,

FF

[cash05458]

Thank you FF for responding...

I believe you are right that I don't know what I am doing or even wanting. I am very confused.

I read over the Boundary material...I just feel it would be self destructive on my part to let her here while she is working on a new thing with someone else. It would be dangerous for me mentally I feel.Plus that fact that she states she has lost her feelings for me...yet asked to come home.

I feel as if everything is my fault. I have been told so many bad and horrible things during the rages. I believe it, I let it anyhow, strip me  so that I am a shell of a man I used to feel like.

She wrote me this morning saying that she isn't coming back. Says it's not him, it's us, it's me. She did accept that she feels she has been horrible and abusive to me. She said so anyhow. 

I feel I need to accept that ...I keep hoping tho' as I love her very much.I feel acceptance would be more healthy for me. Obviously, I am so confused. And scared to be honest. 

[cash05458]

So it has been quite a day. Woke up in morning to her texting...saying she loves me so much, realizes just how abusive and mean she has been etc...says she needs a little time to herself and asks also if she can pick some things up, not everything, just things up while she stays in Boston with a friend...needs to clear her head etc...asks if she can call in a awhile. Ok, I say.

As said above, she is in Boston, five hours away from our home.

I try to do some exercise to keep this depression  over all this from hopefully going too deep and around 12 oclock notice an email from her. It says "One hour away from home, coming to get some stuff"...then she calls...again, crying, saying she knows there is something wrong with her...but she can't help it...I am so sorry numerous times...I never ever want to hurt you...I am terrible to you...I love you so much...but need a few things to get by on...can you not be there as this is too painful to see how I hurt you..."

Ok, I say...and I then go over to a neighbors house...a very nice elderly couple who live next door and know a small bit of what is going on with us...of course you can stay here...thank you...

A few mintues later we hear a truck coming down the road...a uhaul...a big one...one of those larger ones...followed by a carload of people...

Three and  half hours later they truck and car finally leave...I go back home.

She has taken every single thing of hers...all clothes, art from walls, even the living room rug! I don't believe there is a single spoon of hers left in the place...and she took three of our cats with her...

She leaves a note on table that says "Sorry, I love you, will call"

I knew she was acting uber impulsively lately...but christ...

[formflier]

 

Can you do some special for yourself tonight or tomorrow?  I'd like to hear about it.

Self care is critical during these times.

Best,

FF

[cash05458]

apologies...I see that I am posting this in wrong group...very sorry! I have found proper one.

[once removed]

apologies...I see that I am posting this in wrong group...very sorry! I have found proper one.

i noticed that you posted on Detaching.

if you are wanting to revive the relationship, even if you are broken up, this is the right board.

how are you feeling about it?