Acceptance

[Tiredmom123]

Hi, I’m new to this group .. or any group . Been married for 23years , the last 10 have been awful. He wasn’t  as bad as he is now but once I got to a certain age I stopped being passive and stood up for myself and his controlling crap. We have 4 kids , one on his own now and 3 in their teens who live at home . My husband knows I want out, he’s used complete financial control and mismanagement.. and a lot of guilt to keep me here. I am the epitome of a life  lived on eggshells . I’ve seen a lawyer , seeing a counsellor trying to figure out a plan. This is not what I wanted for my life or my children’s lives. My husband is a successful business man, a very well connected member of this very small city we live in. He is good father minus the way he treats me in front of our kids , invisible /broken .. and at fault for everything . It wasn’t always this bad , the last 10 years though since he knows I’ve been wanting to leave have been awful . He’s left is in debt .. but also hidden much of what we have fromme so he is financially secure .. I am in the dark . Financial planing is his life and I always thought he was ok to be in control as he was taking good care of us. He is not, he’s taking control for the good  of himself . To anyone else he would seem like the perfect spouse . He just hates me .. and anyone who cares for me . My goal is to get out by the spring . I’m 50,  scared and overwhelmed especially for the impact this will have on my kids who are just the best kids who never give us a moment of trouble . This is such a hard condition to understand, he’s not been formally diagnosed and refuses to get any Mh guidance .  He tells me I’m the problem , lies to me and tells me I forget things he’s told me .. important things like agreeing to buy a cottage I hate .. Telling me he was way behind on our taxes (5 years ) things I know I would never forget . It’s gaslighting , I can name it now . I’m a health care professional, how did I let this become my life ? Looking for any support or advice from
Others who have travelled this path , especially with kids . The  psychological and Financial  abuse have left me paralyzed . Tks for listening . Good luck to all who are struggling.  .

[B53]

TM,

Welcome, you are in the right place. I will let the more knowledgeable here give you their thoughts.

I do know some about divorce.  In my state you would own half of everything, unfortunately that might be debt too. Make sure you get a good lawyer, that specializes in divorce.

B53

[Gemsforeyes]

Hi TM-

Welcome to our community.  I’m glad you’ve found us, but deeply sorry you find yourself in this situation.

I have a suggestion for you ... something that REALLY helped me gain an understanding of the behaviors of my exBF (AND my exH).  Yes... twice.  It didn’t seem to be “just” BPD... there was too much lying, manipulation, demeaning of me...

Gaslighting takes forethought, planning.  I finally came to understand that, which was a real eye opener; and I KNEW I had to leave.

Please google - Dr. Ramani, Narcissism.  She has some incredible you tube videos that are all pretty short, very insightful.  Please watch the ones where she’s alone.  This may REALLY help you, make you stronger... less “tired”.  I watched some more than once (and still go back for a refresher).  And erase your search history on all your devices.

I learned about her here, on this site.

You will possibly come to understand the cracks in him.  That was my real awakening, so to speak.  I no longer felt “sorry” for him.  In any way.   His frailty had become increasingly dangerous to me.  People with narcissistic traits are not as smart as they believe they are... not once you’re onto them.

If possible, take little steps to care for yourself.  Short walks with music on your head, small things for you everyday.

Then my friend, please consider also posting on the Conflicted / Legal Board as well.  We ARE here as you move through this journey.  Gather your support system around you.

TM - this will be difficult, but you can do it.  You CAN.  You’re so worth it.  Please believe in yourself.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes