Help for myself to disengage

[RollerMom75]

My husband has BPD and also narcissistic traits. The past 2 years have taken their toll. He’s in his own therapy but the same patterns continue over and over and over. At least once a month, he rages, threatens divorce, and actually leaves- goes to a hotel, buys a one way ticket to Mexico. He is very hurtful and verbally abusive when he rages. My part in the pattern has been always to try to talk him down, be rational, talk him into coming back. He always comes back, there’s never an apology. At this point, I am leaning towards filing divorce but not there 100%. What I do want is to work on myself and change the pattern. I have been emotionally distancing myself the past 2 weeks, and the next time he threatens or actually does leave, I will walk away and let him do what he needs to do. I have been feeding him what he craves every time I beg him to come back etc. And it’s just not working. If anyone has advice on how to emotionally detach, or detach with love, I’m listening. A month ago he agreed to attend a DBT program, and I even found a marriage counselor who used DBT but now my husband refuses. I realize I have to focus on myself.  I don’t want to be mean or angry but I want to get off the roller coaster.

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[HappyKJ]

What I do want is to work on myself and change the pattern. I have been emotionally distancing myself the past 2 weeks, and the next time he threatens or actually does leave, I will walk away and let him do what he needs to do. I have been feeding him what he craves every time I beg him to come back etc. And it’s just not working.

This speaks to my experience 100%. I was actually with my uBPD partner for 8.5+ years, and the entire time we went through this cycle. And yes, I was definitely feeding into it -- crying when he broke up with me, begging him to come back, etc. Occasionally he would apologize, and I would instantly forgive him and jump back into his arms. Although I believe he was sincere, what good is an apology if he then engages in the same behavior a day/week/month later? And he refused to work on himself or acknowledge his issues in any way -- all he did was blame others and just me bringing up therapy would result in a fight.

So I finally decided to end the drama. This time when he "broke up" with me, I did not cry or beg him to take me back. And later when he said, "Do you think we've reached the end of the road?" I did not proclaim that we continue on our path in the name of love or try to work things out as I would have done in the past. I simply said, "Yes." And when he asked me the next day if I was sure, I again said "yes." Even in a rare moment of vulnerability when he broke down in tears, I did not relent. I remained calm and tried to keep it as simple as possible. I didn't point fingers; I simply said that it wasn't him and it wasn't me, we just didn't work together.

I am still dealing with the fallout -- I just posted about it this morning -- so I can't offer a ton of advice, other than what I've said about staying as calm as possible, don't give them anything they can latch onto. But the most important thing is that it starts from within -- from making a firm and committed decision that you, in your own words, "are not going to continue on this rollercoaster." It does not make you a bad person. You can still love your husband, but you must also love yourself. And loving yourself means doing what's best for you and not allowing this individual to manipulate you in any way. It sounds like you are on the right path!

[Rev]

Hi Roller,

So... that's really tough. Sounds like you've really understood that he's got his hooks into  you. And maybe even how he does that and when it has happened.  Hang in there. That's a great moment of self awareness.  It helped me a lot to have that moment - the "I'm done with this moment" be my default position, rather than the longing to be in love moment where I was not quite willing to admit that there was something wrong.

After that - advice is really contextual. So I can only tell you what I did and offer at least one piece of advice that is universal.

The universal piece is - don't coach yourself out of this alone. These relationships enter our sense of self like second hand smoke. Everyone needs that outside perspective to see what's "ordered" vs what's "dis-ordered" - as in how to detach and stop trying to reason with someone for whom being reason-able is a challenge.

After that - this is what I did.

1) I gave myself 3 days to have the biggest pity party of my life and then told myself that although I had been a victim of domestic abuse, I was not going to live into my victimhood - but instead learn to grow out of it.

2) I chose three friends to whom I was accountable - made them promise to not let me go back. Made them promise to kick me to the curb if I was not honest and transparent with them.

3) I did CBT to understand the nature of the PTSD type symptoms I was suffering, including panic attacks - which for me were a first.

4) Wrote a list of things to remind myself of the objective things that living with someone with BPD was like - not her behaviors - but what her behaviors led me to accept - things like paying for 75% of our expenses with little or no money left for me - or no structure for my stepsons - or needing to work all thing time to make ends meet - like consistently living in debt - like doing almost all the household chores (laundry/trash/dishes)

5) Got a mentor/coach to help me learn to set firm boundaries not just with her but in other parts of my life - which helped develop an immune system of sorts against the ruminations.  Understand that this part can feel like you are being mean and angry.  But I found that when I focus changed, I understood that really all I was doing was putting order into a disordered life and that I had come to adopt new, twisted values. Changing those things caused pain, which at first I mistook for being mean. In response, I allowed myself to be in touch with anger, learned to tolerate those hard feelings until they subsided and then chose to act. At first it felt really weird (like when I sent my first lawyer's letter - and the day I had my lawyer write a cease and desist).  Today, it feels like I kicked an abuser out of my life.

Hope this helps.

Rev

[HappyKJ]

 It helped me a lot to have that moment - the "I'm done with this moment" be my default position, rather than the longing to be in love moment where I was not quite willing to admit that there was something wrong.

Rev

Yes! This speaks to be so much. For so long, I thought that if I only practiced unconditional love, that if I only focused on the good in him, that one day all the difficult qualities would just magically melt away. This may work for some, but for me it only led to disappointment. Only when I decided to end the soap opera and choose a new reality for myself did I start to become truly happy and the shackles lifted off of me.

[Rev]

Yes! This speaks to be so much. For so long, I thought that if I only practiced unconditional love, that if I only focused on the good in him, that one day all the difficult qualities would just magically melt away. This may work for some, but for me it only led to disappointment.

Nah... I don't think it works for anybody.