BPD wife- raging and questions

[Laveneder]

Hi I am in need of advice. Some background: my wife and I are both in therapy. She has BPD and PTSD. I have OCD and I’m working on how to handle her Diagnoses. We are trying to get couples counseling. My wife struggles with rages, especially when I ask her questions or to do something. I am currently in school for my masters working 20 hrs plus a week for my internship and work part time from home. I get up everyday, do all the house work, feed the dogs, etc on top of work. She sleeps all day and when I ask her to do something she rages. Like throws a tantrum then doesn’t do it. (I’ve waited 3 days before for her to do the dishes). When I end up doing it she then gets mad about me doing it and “not letting her” I don’t know what to do anymore. She also has days where she just doesn’t want to talk to me. Most of the time she sleeps and just sits on the couch. I don’t know what to do. I’m so lonely and tired of being yelled at disrespected. I don’t know how to talk to her or ask for help without her yelling. How do you guys handle this?

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RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[kells76]

Hey Laveneder,

Wow, you have a LOT on your plate. Counseling, school, internship, job, dogs, work, chores... ideally, there'd be no room for rages  But -- somehow, she manages to squeeze them in. Ugh.

You've tried waiting for her... to notice the dishes? Or, 3 days after asking, for her to do them? Did I get one of those right? Curious whether what you tried was "quiet and see if she notices/does it" or "asked and then was patient". Not that one is better or worse, just getting a handle on how things have gone.

And then yeah, the double bind of "I was just going to do them, you don't let me, you don't trust me" or whatnot.

I'm so sorry you are so lonely in your relationship. That's not what you wanted or envisioned, I'm sure 

Not sure if my thoughts will be applicable, as I'm over here from the Family Law board (my husband's kids' mom is the uBPD one and her husband is uNPD, wow what a combo). So my angle is more "how to deal with conflict when kids are involved".

That being said...

I wonder if it'd work for your budget and household to start outsourcing more. This might be too far, but stuff like paper plates, takeout, dog sitters, dog walkers, someone to clean 1x/week... obviously, not necessarily all of these ideas at once, but the gist is -- are you guys in a position where you can get help?

It's just so much on your plate, that I wonder if you are able to fit in self-care, and that's so important for having a full cup to deal with the immense demands of being married to a pwBPD.

Or, if not paid help, what is your friend/family/community support network like? Are there people close to you that you could be vulnerable with, share that life is pretty tricky and full right now, and would they be willing to bring over dinner once a month?

IDK... I think these solutions are more "workarounds", because I recognize they don't hit at the communication/respect/yelling that is the core of your issue. But I wonder if "cleaning up the edges" could make it easier to focus on and solve the core.

On target? Off target? Just let me know.

kells76

[Laveneder]

Kells76,

I appreciate your response. To answer the dishes question it’s actually both. I’ve waited for her notice and I’ve asked and waited. Things only happen “on her time table not mine”. That’s a common phrase of hers. Yes I have OCD and I try hard to not push that on her but I still feel overwhelmed at time. I do like your suggestion of paper plates and things just to make it easier on me. I love her so much. But no this is not what I envisioned for my marriage. It wasn’t like this on the beginning but it never is.  Now she wants a baby and we have found a donor but part of me really doesn’t want too because I’m afraid that’s one more thing I’ll have to do.

[kells76]

To answer the dishes question it’s actually both. I’ve waited for her notice and I’ve asked and waited. Things only happen “on her time table not mine”. That’s a common phrase of hers.

Can you describe more how a typical interaction about, say, the dishes, goes? I.e., you ask her "hey babe, when you have time, can you do the dishes" and she is like "quit nagging me, I'll do them on my own time table", then you say "I was just asking, they didn't get done on Monday", then she... rages? What are the rages like -- i.e., yelling? throwing things? pouting? screaming? arguing? other?

More just getting a feel for how things have gone. I am not the expert by any means on changing the directions of this type of interaction (again, it's not my husband with BPD, it's his kids' mom), but I think the more we can get some details on "here is how it usually goes", the more we in the group can say "hey... what would it be like if you did X? or, Y and Z? try it out and let us know". There are some really experienced members here who have spouses with BPD, and I am sure they will be along to comment.

I do like your suggestion of paper plates and things just to make it easier on me

Yes, you deserve to have breaks. And, I see that you're posting on "Bettering", so it sounds like at this point you do want to make things work. You've probably heard the phrase from airplanes: "Put on your own oxygen mask first, before helping others do so". When you can find ways to make your life a little calmer, less full, and less demanding, then you'll have more resources to work on the relationship (again, assuming that is what you would like). Maybe "paper plates saved my marriage" is overkill, but hey, you never know.

It wasn’t like this on the beginning but it never is.

Are you up for sharing some more about how your relationship started out? Was there a turning point when you were like, Yeah, that day was when things really went south? Or was it more a gradual slide into how things are now?

Now she wants a baby and we have found a donor but part of me really doesn’t want too because I’m afraid that’s one more thing I’ll have to do.

That is VERY wise of you to start tapping the brakes. It is incredibly difficult to coparent with someone with BPD traits. I think it is pretty realistic of you to think "well, she says she wants a baby, but I look at all the responsibilities in our lives, and... I kind of end up with most of them, and I don't have the capacity to add a baby to the mix". And, if she is not able or willing to manage her volatile emotions and raging, then that will be destructive to a child's wellbeing.

Do you guys do any couples counseling? Or just solo?

OK... I'll wrap up for now...

kells76