couples therapy -- is it worth it?

[broccolipizza]

I recently found out my husband was diagnosed with BPD, though he has been in intensive DBT treatment for months. I had told him I that I was willing to participate in couples therapy and he made several initial appointments with various couples therapists for us to "shop around", but these were scheduled before we were aware of his diagnosis. In the past 1-2 weeks since I found out about his BPD I have binged the "walking on eggshells" book and been fixated on BPD and trying to understand my husband. I personally have ADHD and generalized anxiety so this kind of fixation and over-studying-coping-mechanism is typical for me. The more I learn about BPD the more it makes sense in understanding my husband and at the same time, the more confused I get!

I have some lingering questions about my role in his personal development and the appropriateness of couples therapy. I understand that in the book and on the BPDcentral website that they advocate for partners detaching and disengaging with their BP partner and having a neutral stance and patience towards their therapy. Without knowledge of BPD and my partner's diagnosis I had been doing everything the book said not to for the entirety of our relationship!

Some info about my situation: We have been together and married for several years and we have a very young child. My partner began intensive DBT treatment because I gave him an ultimatum after he engaged in a violent self-harm episode witnessed by me and our very young child. Since I have known him, he has had a pattern of self-harm episodes but because they were 1) always triggered by interpersonal conflict with me, 2) pretty infrequent and random and 3) he otherwise typically exhibits a very calm, rational, and non-emotional affect, especially in public; I was always left feeling like it was I who was the cause of his dysregulated emotions and self-harm episodes and that he didn't really have a problem. I now know that I am a trigger and not a cause of his dysregulation, self harm, and problematic thinking. And that he has a victim mentality -- this was validated by the therapist in his DBT program. More info about him: He does not behave like a lot of the BP's described in the book: he doesn't rage, lash out at others, act violent towards others, or try to control me, he actually does the opposite. He is very passive, overly apologizes, very sensitive to perceived criticism/judgement, has no boundaries, doesn't do some basic self care (like making sure to brush teeth/shower/eat, go to sleep on time, manage time, get to work on time, not miss work meetings and appointments, pay bills etc without being micro-managed or reminded by me). Yet he is educated, holds a good high-paying job, is married with a kid, and I think everyone thinks he is "normal" and "nice". I, on the other hand, have ADHD and anxiety, have been in therapy for years and am very self-aware. I am very open, talkative, assertive, and empowered as a woman, but I think to some I come across as a stereotype of a bossy woman. He has another ongoing therapist who he was seeing for the past year since long before that last violent episode and the DBT program, this therapist does not do DBT, does not think my husband has BPD, and my husband still sees him regularly. I worry that, like the book and the BPDcentral website say, this therapist may be reinforcing my husband's twisted thinking and making matters worse by continually validating his feelings and not addressing any underlying issues.

My questions regard couples therapy: If my role as a spouse of someone with BPD is basically to not be involved (invested, engaged etc) in his treatment, then is there any benefit to couples therapy? If so, what is the benefit? What should I look for in a couples therapist? What outcome can I reasonably expect to come from couples work? I worry that a couples counselor will buy into my partner's victim mentality and reinforce his passive blame towards me. We had an initial appointment with one therapist who I think did just that. Sometimes my husband acts like a traumatized person or the victim of abuse. He is very smart and otherwise very rational and calm so I think it is very difficult for someone to see through it. For example, if he gets upset he becomes dysregulated, he will hunch forward, bow his head in shame, tremble, whimper, and say things to other people like "don't say that, you might make her angry, she is dangerous when she is angry" about me but I have never done anything close to hurting him and never would. If you ask him further questions about what he means by that he seems to dissociate. I am afraid that a couples counselor who is not an expert in BPD and DBT and is not very good at working with BPD clients may mischaracterize the relationship dynamic and think that I am the "problem" or that everything is 50/50 when he is the one who has a personality disorder. Lastly, I worry that he may (intentionally or unintentionally) be using couples therapy as a way to manipulate me into modifying my behavior because he thinks that me-triggering-him is the problem and the cause of our interpersonal conflict.

TLDR: We just found out my husband has BPD. He wants to do couples therapy but I have questions about how that could help (or hurt) the relationship. I'm trying to detach from him and disengage from his progress, but couples work seems counter to that goal, especially if the couples therapist buys into and reinforces his twisted thinking. 

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RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Cat Familiar]

You’ve already thought out lots of potential issues regarding couples therapy. Most members here report better outcomes if the “non” partner sees a therapist who is knowledgeable about BPD, rather than seeking couples therapy for the reasons you list.

That was my experience too. When I did couples therapy with my husband, he thought the therapist and I were ganging up on him. Very little was accomplished in over a year of therapy.

I returned to see the therapist on my own and it was very helpful in learning to manage some of the issues plaguing our relationship.

[once removed]

My questions regard couples therapy: If my role as a spouse of someone with BPD is basically to not be involved (invested, engaged etc) in his treatment, then is there any benefit to couples therapy?

ideally, the goal of couples therapy is, together, to learn how to better handle and resolve conflict as a couple.

how do the two of you presently handle conflict? are there unresolved conflicts, longstanding or recent? it sounds like hes amenable to it. why does he want to do it? have the two of you talked about what the goals would be?

heres the thing: it really depends on what you mean by "involved" in his treatment. as a spouse, you are in one of the strongest positions possible to support him. micromanaging his treatment, for sure, would be discouraged.

I worry that a couples counselor will buy into my partner's victim mentality and reinforce his passive blame towards me. We had an initial appointment with one therapist who I think did just that.
...
I am afraid that a couples counselor who is not an expert in BPD and DBT and is not very good at working with BPD clients may mischaracterize the relationship dynamic and think that I am the "problem" or that everything is 50/50 when he is the one who has a personality disorder

i would really encourage you to keep an open mind about this. it is precisely the mentality that leads to couples counseling failing. you cannot hope to improve your relationship either in general, or through couples therapy, if you use it as a forum to fix your husbands personality disorder, rather than your role in conflict. the same is true for him.

a skilled therapist knows that, overwhelmingly, thats why couples show up - to try, either consciously, or unconsciously, to bring the therapist to their side and fix the other partner.

its really not unlike this board, broccolipizza.

members arrive here in pain and confusion. many want to vent. some want to dive straight into introspection and learning. some never get there. it varies. longer term members can typically tell, and respond accordingly. they offer that validation that we all need, and build trust, but eventually, members try to redirect them toward greater emotional maturity, new skills, and better conflict resolution.

if either of you are not ready for this, couples therapy would not be a good idea.

[maxsterling]

My experience - it won't solve anything, and may make things worse.  It may be a benefit in the sense it gives you more of a window into his mind and how he relates to a T.  We have tried 3 MCs.  Two W accused of taking my side.   The other wound up being mostly a T for W, and I was there just listening most of the time.  I think that was because that T recognized that nothing could get solved unless W's issues were addressed first.  My issue with that T was that I felt she was not "tough enough" with W - there was actually a time when W verbally abused me and called me names right in front of the T, and T did not step in.  I wound up leaving the appt. 

[B53]

My BP and I are also getting ready to attend couples counseling. He is in therapy and BPD is her speciality. He is doing DBT as well. I just got into therapy myself with someone that understands the challenges of living with a BPD partner. Knowing that I have support has relieved my anxiety.

He really wants our relationship to work, so he is not going to consciously do anything to stand in the way of  our goal. We have talked about some of the things  we would like to work on in the couples counseling, like setting reasonable boundaries and expectations. How to respond when he is triggered and to help defuse the situation.

I think for it to be helpful, the couples counselor needs to have knowledge of BPD. If she does, she will understand the dynamics and will hopefully see through BPD manipulation. Right now I am feeling hopeful.

If this post is still going’ I will let you know about my experience.

Best of luck!
B53