Help - i don't know what is going on

[djg3665]

I have been with my girlfriend for about 2 and a half years now, she lives in Colombia and I am from the United States.  We have been though a lot like her infidelity on several occasions, gone through the breakup and back together several times.  Things have been going well for the last 7 months and I was finally able to visit her for the first time in a year because of COVID.

The day i arrived, she met me at the airport and things were bliss, but the second day everything went downhill.  I was exhausted from flying all day the previous day, so I wanted to go to bed, her friends wanted her to go out and i said no problem.  She went out and returned to the hotel at 3 in the morning and went to sleep.  I woke up, she was sleeping, took a shower and she woke up screaming at me that I was spying on her.  I had given her my old phone because hers was broken; but she started claiming that I put a program on the phone where I would see the messages she receives which is rediculus.  I showed her my phone which she used as the opportunity to go through everything; i have nothing to hide, so I let her.  She went through my messages and started screaming like she was possessed because I had a female friend i talk to with messages like, how is your dog?  We had been friends for a year and met when my girlfriend cheated and things ended.  Everyone knows that I am in a relationship.  Then she went through my old photos and found one from 3 years ago of me and my ex girlfriend, she started accusing me of cheating on her and couldn't understand that we had never met when that photo was taken.  Then went through my app download history and started screaming that I am using dating apps.  I told her just because it is in my history doesn't mean that I am using them.  I had used them when our relationship ended thinking that we were not getting back together, but she was adamant that I was currently using them.

After a few days of being raged at for things that she created in her mind, I said why don't we go to the home improvement store to get things for the apartment.  I helped her get an apartment, paid rent for 6 months figuring that it is our apartment and I won't need to get a hotel when I visit in the future.  She moved a couple of days before I arrived and had nothing.  So I got beds for her and her daughter, a washing machine, kitchen table, sofa, and normal household items so she would have a normal life.  She hadn't slept in a few days and this is where things were bizarre, after yelling at me over the same thing again i told her that i needed some space and went to get coffee.  I returned sn hour later to find her recording a video of the bathroom wall rand was convinced that people were talking and there was a cat.  I tried to explain that it is a hallucination, but she was convinced it was there.  She started punching herself in the face and i had to hold her arms so she wouldn't hurt herself.  I then got her sleeping pills for her to go to sleep.  The apartment was in disarray and she asked for help cleaning it, so when she finally fell asleep i spent the next 6 hours cleaning and organizing things.  At that time I found 4 bags of 2cb, she had used 3 of them.  I got upset because she promised to never use drugs again after the previous year when she got me banned from airbnb for life because they found drugs in her room.  She said that she used because of me and that I was talking to another woman, so it is my fault.  After that, she was on a rage accusing me of hiding her keys because she couldn't find them, going through all of her things even though I tried to explain that there were bugs and rotten food in her trash and it needed to be taken outside.  She screamed at me for about half an hour to get out of the apartment or she is calling the police.  Things calmed down and we went to a town in the mountains the next day for a tranquil weekend.  On the way she decided that she wanted whiskey for the trip and started drinking at 9 in the morning.  I told her that i don't feel like drinking anything, but will have a glass.  In the hotel at night, after she drank almost the entire bottle, she again brought up that I have a female friend and I tried to explain it is a platonic friendship, only friends and nothing more.  She exploded at this point and said that platonic means that I really want to be with her.  She then started accusing me of giving her a sexual disease, threw a glass at my face and clothes, threatened to hire sicarios to kill me if I ever return to Medellín, called a taxi trying to leave even though we were 2 hours away in nature.  This is the first time she became physically violent with me.  Things calmed down after the hotel staff came to the room that night to see what was going on and we returned to Medellín the next day.

We had a couple of good days, but then started smoking Marijuana all day.  I told her if she is going to do it, please not around me because I don't want to get stopped and searched at the airport when I return.  When I walked by her, she blew the smoke directly in my face which I explained was disrespectful.  She then started yelling at me about the same thing for the last 7 days and I told her that i had enough.  I am going back to my hotel.  That calmed her down and the next few days were great, we explored the city, got clothes for her and her daughter.  She came to the hotel with me and started smoking Marijuana in the room.  I told her that she needs to go outside if she is going to do it, she agreed and did.  But the next morning when I was taking a shower, she did it is in the room again which upset me.  I explained that she got me banned already from airbnb, i don't want to get banned from another.  She rationalized it as this is Medellín and nothing is going to happen.  I told her that it is disrespectful to do that when I ask that she not do it in the room and if she feels like she needs to do it, she needs to go outside.  I told her that she has been negative with me for almost 2 weeks and that attitude is why she loses all of her friends.  She exploded at this point and said that she needs to find someone who accepts her using Marijuana, that i never want to do anything, said some horrible things and ran out of the hotel room to get a taxi and go to the apartment.  She sent me a message that now she can smoke in peace, hopes that I am happy because everything is my fault.  I asked her if she wanted to end things or wanted to calm down.  She said that she wanted to calm down, then 5 minutes later blocked me on WhatsApp and changed her relationship status to single on social media, but didn't block me there. 

The next day I wrote a message on her social media explaining that I have 2 days before I have to go home, I don't want to leave things like this, and would like to talk in person before I go.  She has ignored my messages and hasn't contacted me since.

So the summary is:  bpd girlfriend of several years has raged at me for 2 weeks, the first time we have seen each other in a year.  She is in self destruction mode with her drug use, has blocked me as her only means of support emotional and financial since she destroyed her relationship with her family.  Has made false accusations and won't listen to logical explanations, and seems to want to cause me pain by blocking me and ignoring me the final few days that I am in her country visiting her. 

Can anyone explain what is going on or offer some advice on what I should do?  In the last 2 years, this is the worst that I have seen.  I should mention that we were previously engaged, but that ended when she cheated and she sold the engagement ring.  We got engaged again, but this time i didn't give a diamond ring and told her that it is because she sold the last one and if we get married, i would buy another diamond ring.  This was another incident that she raged, but important for the story.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

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[Ventak]

Hi djg, so sorry you are going through this right now.  It must be extremely difficult, especially being out of country and away from your support systems.

Almost everything you've written here has been done by my BPD wife over the past 10 years (not the drugs, but everything else).  To experience it all in a 2-week period must be overwhelming...  I'm stunned speechless here just thinking about how much pain you must be in.

You have found an amazing site, the friendliest and most knowledgeable forum I've encountered on the internet by a large margin.  There are some great resources here, and hundreds of people willing to help you, complete with knowledge of what you are going through from personal experience.

I encourage you to read through this article, as it might help give you perspective of what to expect if you choose to stay in this relationship:
https://bpdfamily.com/content/what-does-it-take-be-relationship

If you decide to continue in your relationship with your fiance, there are many tools here to help you help her regulate her emotions... but always keep in mind that you can't change another person, only yourself.  There is a very high likelihood that she will always be the person you know, not the person you hope for.

What are your options now?  How can we help?

[djg3665]

Thank you for the link and resources.  I reached out to her mother (who also suffers from BPD) and explained that I was leaving the country and I wanted to make sure that her family was aware of what was going on and that she had support.  That seemed to work as her mother contacted her and she finally responded to me.  I asked  her if she wanted to leave things like this because it was the last night before I had to leave.  She said that she missed me and wanted to see me, that her mother was going to help take care of her daughter so we can spend time together.  But it felt like she disassociated, she had to ask what hotel I was at, which is weird because I was in that hotel for the final 10 days.

She arrived and wanted to have dinner together which I ordered, she then said that she is going to a birthday party and asked me to go.  I declined explaining that I had to go to the airport early in the morning and fly all day to get home.  After having dinner, it was like she couldn't wait to go to the party and left, but said that she would return in a couple of hours.  I went to bed and of course she didn't.  The next day I sent a message as I was in the airport waiting for my flight, she didn't respond.  I noticed that she posted a story on Instagram when I arrived in Miami, she responded to that saying that she was with her daughter, asked if I returned home yet.  I told her I have another flight, but as I arrived at my home airport, I noticed that she blocked me from that Instagram account.

On the taxi ride home I wrote her a message that I needed a few days to think about my future, how she treated me, and if the last couple of weeks is anything like my future, I don't want to live being raged at for the rest of my life.  I asked her to think about her behavior with me as well.  I told her that in a few days that we need to have a serious talk about what happened, that it can't be ignored, and talk about our future together.  She hasn't responded or that I know of, read my messages.  It is like I got discarded without being told that I was discarded.

If she responds, I think that I am going to explain that the only way that this relationship is going to work is if she starts therapy.  I have been asking her to go to therapy for more than 2 years, she will go when she is in crisis mode for one session, but never returns to work on anything.  I think that is my only option right now to continue things, or to end things with her which I am not ready to do right now.  Of course she may have already ended things in her mind, but has not told me yet.

[Ventak]

If you pursue the therapy route, do you think she will agree and do you think she will follow through?  Has anything changed for her to bring about that change of behavior?

In general, people have to want therapy on their own accord or it will not work.

[djg3665]

Yes, I agree that they have to want therapy for it to work.  Every time I asked her, she said that she wants to go to therapy.  But she refuses to take the first step.  Last year I thought that she was going, I was paying for sessions, but I later found out that she was taking the money and using it for other things.  I contacted a therapist and asked for a couples appointment when I was there with the hope that she would establish a bond and continue when I had to return home.  That never happened in large part because she ran out of the hotel most of the time to return to the apartment so she could smoke marijuana.  I even found a therapist that accepted online payments thinking that there wouldn't be the problem of her telling me she is in therapy and using the money again for other things, I paid for 3 sessions to start, but she never went.

Since I returned to the USA on July 4; we haven't talked.  She has read my messages, but hasn't responded except to tell me that she is working cleaning a house for $100 and it has bad wifi there.  I told her that we need to talk about what happened during the visit and that it is something that we can not ignore.  I don't know if she is feeling some level of shame right now about how she acted, but normally she posts something every day on social media, but hasn't posted anything for 5 days which is different for her.

I don't know if I should give her an ultimatum that she needs to begin therapy or I can't do this anymore or if that will cause her to run?  She seems to develop insight into what she is doing when her 7-year-old daughter does the same thing.  I have tried to use that to explain that it is not too late to break the cycle, but she seems to only be concerned about what is happening right now and not planning for the future.

[Ventak]

It "feels" to me like she is very resistant to change, and that she is unlikely to respond to an ultimatum with the response you hope for.

Are you willing to follow through with the ultimatum?  If not, it is likely to be used against you over and over in the future.

Good move on paying for the therapy yourself instead of giving her cash.  That is a good tool for all "help" that you give her financially.

What do you expect to get out of talking about what happened at the last visit?  Has she shown the ability for rational discussion in the past?  Do you expect she will this time?

[once removed]

sometimes what our partners are upset with us about is not apparent. sometimes it sounds like 15 things at once when, for the most part, its one or two.

i suspect a lot of her hurt and acting out was over the fact that you declined to go out. thats not to say it wasnt a valid choice; just to put things in perspective. things just escalated from there, as our loved ones are prone to do.

heres the thing. this is going to be a volatile relationship with a volatile person. think of it as as special needs relationship; it is one.

if this is too much for you, thats valid too. it would be better to rip off the bandaid. if this is a relationship you want to save, and are committed to, im not sure that this is an approach that is going to work. its a bit like cornering a person that just doesnt have the skills or understanding of what youre trying to get across, and its most likely to force her hand, or cause her to escalate. that said, if youre unsure or conflicted about it, thats understandable as well.

which way do you think youre leaning? we can help.