Starting to lose hope for me and my fiancé. Please help me

[lissalou3282]

Not sure exactly how to start this
But I’ve been with my fiancé for going on 3 years now. He is the most loving, kind hearted man I have ever met but he is also the scariest person I have ever known.
Things started out amazingly the first 6 months, he loves my kids as his own and treated me like gold . I remember telling a friend I thought he and I would get married and prob never have even a single argument let along be anything like where we are now. I figured so long as I was always honest and loving and faithful that was enough but Boy was I wrong.
In my defense I was really naive I’d been with one man married at 17 yrs old and together with my ex for 20 years so I had no idea of the so called “honeymoon phase”
Things first started going downhill when we would have sex and he would be convinced I was faking it and that I thought his penis was small which really made no sense to me at all because I loved everything about him no matter how much I told him he wouldn’t believe me.
Then after his dad passed away things went from a little hard to horrible. If anything happens at all even nothing to do with me and he gets upset I know that within the hour he will start doubting me and texting me things that shouldn’t matter and don’t even make sense like I think you slept with more ppl before me  than you say or some other completely unfounded accusation,  as soon as I would try to defend myself against any accusations it would turn into a full blown tear down calling me the most foul names I have ever heard a human being be called in my life. At first I would just say I love you back and I know your hurting and I’m not going anywhere I’m here and I love you, but it didn’t seem to help and prob made it worse.  I am very non confrontational but if I even had the very slightest irritation with him such as one time when he called me out for speaking over someone when I didn’t know they were speaking at work in front of everyone. Later that day we were in the car and he asked me why I was a little quiet I very lovingly told him for fear of things blowing up that it embarrassed me when he did that and pls not do that in front of other ppl. He started to punch himself saying look what I make him do and how I’m bad for him and he can’t do anything right. When I replied “honey it’s okay, it’s normal that sometimes one of us gets frustrated with the other it’s not a big deal” he just got more angry punching himself and burning himself with a cigarette saying I do this to him.
Then he started saying he was going to kill himself all the time when he got upset. If I ever confront him or stand for myself at all he says I’m taunting him and want him to kill himself. At first I would beg and plead and try to save him. once he locked me outside saying he was killing himself so at 3 am I ran to the store to buy a ladder and when I got to the top he was there just fine as ever. This has gone on regularly for 2 years now No matter how small the situation anything could set it off or be misinterpreted and twisted. He has threatened to kill me on several occasions. Threatened with guns and even accused me of prostitution which is absurd I’m super introverted  and I don’t even barely talk to anyone I’m with him all day and can’t even use the restroom without him asking where I’m going.
He breaks things throws things and beats himself to a bloody unrecognizable pulp. He has a full beard and we where helmets and hairnets and he has a beard net so it’s easy for him to hide No one knows about it but me
We work together and I’m pretty sure if I ever went to anyone they would never believe me because no one else sees only me.
When he gets mad he will eat any love notes or pictures he drew and left on my desk and spit loogies in my plants. He will call me foul things when passing me in the hall and no one is there and nonstop text hateful things. When he is happy at work he puts on my coat pulls out my chairs and gets on a knee to tie my shoes when it’s untied all of these things are genuinely loving gestures it is not fake it is just that he sees me as his best friend or his worst enemy there is no in between. After his outbursts he is truly sorry and I believe it and know he means it but as soon as anger  returns he hates me again to the point of being sadistic he will use the most painful things against me even that I trusted and shared with him I was raped he will use it to hurt me whatever he thinks will hurt the most. On the flip side he is very gentle and sweet and always puts me first, he is very compassionate towards ppl and animals more than any man I’ve seen, he has the biggest heart of any man I’ve ever met. He beats himself up daily for things he has said and done to me which has caused more harm than good because he feels so guilty he will start saying it’s me that made him this way and had started to devalue me more than ever and be more suicidal too. Finally I told him I can’t help him anymore and it’s his choice if he commits suicide and not my responsibility to save him and to please go to the hospital and turn himself in because he was starting to think of murder as well as suicide this time and was a bad mess.I told him if he didn’t go in and kept saying he was going to kill me or coworkers or himself that I was finally going to call his mom and tell her what was happening.  Now 2 weeks later he is on medication and better than ever.
He was told he checks every box for BPD but they don’t want to label him with anything so he is not diagnosed. For the first time in a long time he seems to be okay thd meds are helping and he’ll be getting therapy he also finally is admitting to himself there is something seriously wrong and he needs help. I have seen several things happen that would have set him off and he stayed cool about it. I love him very much but I still feel I’m on eggshells and thinking when will this go bad again because so many times I would think it was over and let myself be swept away again only to be brought back to reality when his “gremlin” (that’s what he calls it) wants to tear me apart again and he forgets he loves me all over again. I also think I may be traumatized from all the horrible things that have happened and fear and stress I’ve endured.
I’m afraid to let down my guard even though I want to so badly.
Please tell me there is hope and that he can really get better. I want to learn how to get better too because somehow I know I am triggering these things.. I am afraid to stay and afraid to leave. Everything I look up only makes it sound impossible to ever make a long term change. I want to hear someone say they went through this and it’s okay now.
I know the things in here make him look bad but he really is a very good man.
He is now saying let’s get married and move in together right away but I’m very apprehensive about it and don’t want to anytime soon. I have kids half time and they don’t know about how he can be they’ve never even seen him frown let along blow up. I just keep avoiding the topic because rejection is a very big trigger for him and I want him to get better so we can move toward marriage in a healthy way.
Are meds enough to change someone with bpd? Or is this temporary? I am really looking for some hope here.
He is getting therapy but I worry he won’t stick with it or take it seriously if he goes back to denial.

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PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Cat Familiar]

There’s a lot here to respond to in your post. First of all, are you safe? Are you making sure he cannot access your device that you’re using here, hopefully in privacy mode?

Do you have a go bag hidden with essential items such as money, credit cards, medication, extra glasses if you wear them, documents, change of clothes?

Please take the Mosaic test, a survey to determine the level of risk you are in regarding your relationship and let us know your score.   
Mosaic test

You are wise to not jump into a marriage commitment right now. Often that can exacerbate BPD behaviors, which you’re already seeing. Regarding meds, unlike a bipolar diagnosis, there is no medication that completely treats BPD. Some meds can help with depression, which can certainly lessen some BPD symptoms.