I hate cut flowers, don’t get hit by a car

[Firsttimefather]

Or is it: “ I was mean to you and don’t deserve flowers; please be safe”…I don’t know… I went to therapy yesterday and it was great. It was the precursor to couples therapy and hopefully pwBPD goes next.The new meds the psych prescribed are not working and between losing car keys to a German car necessitating a locksmith and timely rendezvous, problems with money owed for master’s degree, work schedule of nightshifts, and impending family visit with hard time booking lodging…stress and anxieties are high. Noticed the spiral: vitriol and dichotomous thoughts, online porn and chronic masturbation, dissatisfaction/satisfaction with sex, hard time sleeping…..finally got her to go to the gym instead of staying at home drinking but messy house had her very anxious though we planned gym then house clean….the therapist helped validate ways I behaved during the abortion.choices made etc but then at 3am next to me in bed I found her cyberstalking/ looking at FB pages of an ex and his current gf…upon “busting her I was met with a little anger, slightly choked me , pinched me as I looked at what she was looking at. I believe mostly she was ashamed however the guilt was placed on me(reversal) now I am getting the silent treatment but only half so…. I know she loves me and I do believe mostly she is embarrassed and does not want to discuss it. It had me a bit sad so I headed for the gym and on my way found some flowers and brought them to her, put them in her hand and kissed her forward :”I don’t like cut flowers” and as I left “don’t get hit by a car”

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Firsttimefather]

I want to add to my own post: I listened to a Dr from Texas on You Tube who specializes in personality disorders and what I learned was everything I did wrong when catching my pwBPDtendencies (as I’m like I am learning is a more accurate diagnosis) I failed to validate her reasoning for ‘cyberstalking’ which in turn was out of boredom. I am realizing that I will be on this learning curve for quite some time. I need to squash the voice in my head that thinks I can open my pwBPD’s eyes and mind to what is going on. I need to validate and offer suggestions. Shame is so big in my partner’s experience. I shamed her and that upset her worse however I cleaned up the mess and fallout. Made her favorite foods and was simply there for here throughout the evening and everything returned to a peaceful place between us. Very loving and sweet. A reminder of what we have between us that is so good. What are some ways to remind myself of this process: validate and offer alternatives? It seems so easy but when in the moment…

[Cat Familiar]

It’s good that you’re aware of the intense shame that people with BPD feel. It’s much easier sometimes to avoid invalidation than to find something to validate.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-dont-be-invalidating

[Firsttimefather]

Yes, I see it more clearly every day and I feel so bad for not behaving better when it occurred. Nonetheless every failure breeds new successes. I am so lucky tbh and I thank you especially as without some assistance I may have chosen a different path, who knows. The ‘shame’ part is huge and the tendency to speak ‘untruths’ , I think that’s more accurate than ‘lie’, it all entails shaming if I put her on the spot. I am much better at handling it now and I like what you said about ‘validation/invalidating’ I am going to meditate on that a bit. Just got us a new book recommended by the therapist:The Book of Ho’oponopono: Hawaiian practice of forgiveness and healing. He thinks it will help the two of us move through the fallout of our recent ‘big’ adventure. I keep building more supports around us that aren’t just a bunch of ‘friends’ but good objective listeners/thinkers. Thanks for all of your input and please keep it up. I have been reading more and more posts up here.Wow how though similar, I see as you say;”…everyone’s experience is different! Much love and best wishes.

[jmbl]

This may be off the mark, but Firsttimefather, is your partner still on psychiatric medications? Are they helping? If not, why does she continue on them?

I am asking because my pwBPD and I recently had a long discussion about the psychiatric medications he has been on (2.5 years now). We noticed a decline in these years w his ability to cope, reason, and move away from negative defence mechanisms (pushing me away, fixating, isolating himself). He has come off of the medication, and it has been a hard go, but the difference in his overall well-being is remarkable.

This is not to presume or judge your situation/experience to be the same as ours - just curious if this has been evaluated.

[Firsttimefather]

She is hit or miss with the meds. Nothing consistent. She tried a new one: vyvanase? Maybe?..it was targeting adhd. I don’t know the cornerstone of that diagnosis and if it was related to bpd. I’m not sure if psychiatrist share charts in the manner medical doctors do. She is not from this State and her new psychiatrist is brand new. I am hoping for couples therapy but my therapist is unavailable currently, though not for long. I feel like she is all over the place when it comes to the reaction to meds. Lately very very loving and my going to the gym is very good for maintaining that energy. She likes how I look b/c of…I once worked in the social work field and understand the importance of staying steady on a prescription regimen for psych drugs. Her anxiety is rather level currently but she says longs like: I’m sorry I’m so worthless, Nut also she apologized for all she put ‘us’ through and that was nice to hear thigh my response was ,”it’s ok, look we are still here and somehow it made us stronger imo” to which she agreed. Her mother comes to town in 2 days and I don’t know what to expect as we barely know each other but as of now I’m high on my pwBPD’s love list