Why is it so hard to get over my BPD Ex?

[Mr.Homes]

I broke up with my girlfriend 4 months ago after 4 years of rollercoaster relationship.
In the last years and months of our relationship I had panic attacks, heart problems, chronic inflammations and depressive episodes...it's all gone within weeks after the breakup. It is obvious that I live better and healthier without being accused, blamed and yelled at. But I miss her so much.

I just found a love letter from the first year of our relationship in which she apologised for the "ghosts" that her mind produces. She wrote that she sometimes loses sight of reality and her fear makes her blame me for things. In the letter she promises to try to be better and not attack me so much...but her promise never became true. I am so sad that my Ex had these "waking moments" from time to time but in the end we did not make it.

She is the most special and wonderful woman I have ever met. Still, if I only think of going back to her my heart starts beating with panic and fear. I really need to stay no contact and still...I love her so much.

Why I am so torn? It hurts so much. Can I anyone relate?


PS: I am definitely a co-dependent nice guy  who is in recovery now. (I regularly see therapists)
 

[Goosey]

I can relate.
  My partner has been gone for years. I fall into the habit of reminiscing of the good times a lot. I see her beautiful blue eyes and her quick wit and her amazing energy in my thoughts throughout the day. I have to remind myself of the “other” things.
    If not for the total implosion of our lives and her just leaving I would still be enduring it. Always thought is would somehow get better and we could find a way to enjoy our lives together. It was not in the cards. She moved on. I may never. That’s ok. I hope she finds peace and happiness.

[Erfanovich]

Hey,
Its hard to read your pain and struggle. Ik can relate to your feelings and ongoing questions.

My relation with a diagnosed BPD (I found out later) is over for about 8 months now, but in fact it was over a lot earlier. I was replaced with antoher guy but desperate to go on, so I accepted that but never left her. Relation was a rollercoaster with a lot of lies, manipulation but also a lot of intense romantic moments, a lot of awesome energy en intimite encounters. In fact I also described her as the most intense, lovable and sweet woman I ever met.  And in fact thats true, but there is a dark shade in her.
But if you ex has a BPD or related NPD behaviour it will (mostly) never work and you have to accept it, throw away the letters and write everything down in a letter to yourself or her ( but never send it!) . As a codependent you can't rescue her and you are not worth it to give your part of your life to her when it hurts you. I relate your thoughts that you love her but are those thoughts real? Is it the dynamic of your codependency and her BPS (reel you back en throwing away constantly)? Yes! You have to figure this out and stay without contact for the best of you. And yes, I know, I struggle with the same thoughts and feelings every day, did love her like I never loved one before. she discarded me twice durinfg our relation, came back with a short lovebombing or favorite person ritual, but after a few days it was the same lies and rollercoaster again, she never, never put any energy to make it work again. Listen to your body, your feelings, the most important sign because it never lies, I went to hospital with heart problems, got a burn-out and was always running on egg shells. Work on your codepency issues and feel your pain. Its the only thing to do and learn, the pain is hard but helps you to heal and give it time. Keep no contact and do not go back. It won't work and you will be hurt again, maybe even harder. I experienced it...

And, maybe hard te read: she is not contacting you, so you are not needed anymore. Maybe the hardest thing to accept but true story.

All the best and good luck!