Desperate…

[Nils]

Hello everyone.

First I must apologize, I discovered this site a few hours ago, I tried to read as much as possible, but it won’t be possible to do it correctly before I post this cry for help. Yes I’m desperate, probably as most of you are…

I’m in a relationship since 4 years now, with ups and downs. We started talking about BPD about 2 years ago. Not enough.
We had a lot of crisis, sometimes several times a week, sometimes nothing for 2-3 months. We managed it.

Until recently.

She found something on my laptop that upset her. Not totally without reason, but also not that bad. We had a crisis, of course. Except this one, we never really recovered… and I did something that I should know to avoid : makes her feel abandoned. No I did not leave. But I let us slip appart. I thought she needed space. I should have known better.

Anyway, she felt abandoned, so she started finding what I could not give her somewhere else. Online. And before I realized, she was very close to someone that was able to confort her. To give her the attention she needed. That was less that 2 month ago.
When I realized what was happening, it was too late (or is it?).
I realized it last week. We talked about it, and she took the decision to break up with me and to be with the stranger. 10.000 km away.
The next day, I thought my only option was to move out. Brilliant. It did not last long. It was too difficult for both of us. So during 3 days, I visited her during the day, and moved back to hotel at night. After 3 days, I was back in the apartment, on the spare room. It was her idea.
So we broke up, but are still ultra close. We have sex. But we are not together. She loves him.
The poor boy has no idea what he fall into. I can’t blame him…

To make things just more impossible to manage, we are supposed to change country in 2 weeks. From Europe to US.
She still wants me to come. We had a crisis because I said it’s too difficult. I finally agreed. I’m going.
But now her new « boyfriend » is jealous and told her I should not go. She partly agreed. But she also wants me to come.

I feel like living this « don’t leave me, but go away » again and again since several days.
I don’t know what to do. I’m not asking you what I should do : that’s my own decision.
I’m just desperate enough to seek some insight in case some of you lived something similar.
I know I should also protect myself. But leaving her will destroy us forever.

Thanks for reading…

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[formflier]

So glad you found us and sorry that you are having an issue with your pwBPD.

What did she find on your laptop?  How did you respond to her concerns?

Best,

FF

[Nils]

Old pictures. Of a previous relationship. I should not have kept that, of course.

She told me she thought I was not like that. It broke her love to me.
I tried to explain it was long time ago, and I’m just human…
But she says the switch is turned off.

[formflier]

Old pictures. Of a previous relationship. I should not have kept that, of course.

She told me she thought I was not like that. It broke her love to me.
I tried to explain it was long time ago, and I’m just human…
But she says the switch is turned off.

Bummer...sorry this happened.

How do these type of things work out in your relationship?

Best,

FF

[Nils]

Well, it’s hard to compare. The few somehow similar cases, she hold grudge for a while, then slowly fade away.

But this time, there is 2 BIG changes :
1) she loves someone else (this never happened)
2) we are moving in 2 weeks

This is too much right now. I feel like running out of time.
And her « back to normal » phase is killing me.

[formflier]

Hey Nils

Great job on quick responses!         

This is going to help us help you very quickly!

This is too much right now. I feel like running out of time.
And her « back to normal » phase is killing me.

What is back to normal phase?  If she is behaving as if it is over (my assumption please clarify)...seems like it best to let that fire burn out? 

Running out of time for?

Best,

FF

[Nils]

Thanks for your answers FF

What I call « back to normal » phase is more when after a crisis, she would just do as all is fine and nothing happened. Of course it takes a bit more time for me. I’ve read enough about BPD to know that they feel the argument is over, so there is nothing more to discuss, and all is fine. But it’s very hard for me.

For the running out of time, it’s mostly about the moving. We have to take very difficult decisions in the next days about it. We already did, but it’s changing fast… I should probably stick with what we said, love with her and see what will happen. But it’s very difficult, even more after a crisis, or after she tells me how much she loves the other guy.
I tell myself to go all in into this, but it’s very painful. I know it’s even worse for her.
I never felt so much pain. And some doubts…

[Nils]

I think I would like advices on how to protect myself in this current situation. I feels like s**t, and basically dis functioning since last week, and it cannot be good for us.
But if I move away, even temporarily, it will totally break us.
And reinforce the other guy.

[formflier]

But if I move away, even temporarily, it will totally break us.
And reinforce the other guy.

How do you know the bolded thing is true?

Remind me again who the "other guy" is?  As a general statement, making decisions based on a competition in a relationship with someone else is not likely to be productive or wise.

Best,

FF

[Nils]

The other guy is a guy she met online, and she is with him now.

I think the bolded part is true because she told me several time that last time I left she felt very bad, and I promised her to not leave her anymore.

[NotAHero]

 So sorry you are going through this.

 This is your decision of course. That being said it might help you to get an outside opinion about what’s happening.  

 Based on what you told us and my knowledge of BPD it sounds like she will go be with the other guy but wants you to be there when/ if her new relationship falls apart. The question is, are you ok with that?  She will get intimate with the other guy, if he turns out to be a caretaker she will stay with him, if he leaves she will come back to you. Problem is, once she realizes you are ok with that she might repeat the cycle. I see a lot of pain for you if you stay but you can decide if it’s  worth it to you.