Running in circles.

[Risski]

I recently got back together with my bpd ex bf. When we first got together he hadn't been diagnosed bpd yet and it was one of the most traumatic and difficult breakups of my life. He is constantly accusing me of doing things I would never do, there was never any evidence to support his theories. He would be great in the mornings, super loving and affectionate but like clockwork everyday by noon things would change. He would get very suspicious. Showing up randomly at the house trying to "bust" me doing something wrong. Spend hours on my phone looking for evidence of misdeeds. The behaviour has started again and even though he has promised too get therapy I am not sure if anything will ever change. I love this man and I feel like he is the love of my life. I have been patient and understanding with him. I feel like he is constantly flipping the script on me. He can go for hours without answering the phone but If I miss a call or message he starts raging. He's constantly accusing me of "not caring". He calls me cold. Thinks I lie too him about everything I do in a day. Says that if I just behave this or that certain way that he will shower me with the love and affection that I earned... I just don't know what too do... I don't know how too make him see that I am serious about working things out, that I care deeply for him. I don't know what else too do too make him see these things... I don't want too walk away but I don't know how too show him how much he means too me.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Cat Familiar]

Look at the dynamic from the viewpoint an outsider sees it. He is asking you constantly to show him that you care, accuses you of lying and thinks you are doing bad things that you’re not, rages at you, and tells you if you’d only behave in ways that he wants, he’d shower you with love and affection.

Check out the Tools at the top of this page and take a look at this article https://bpdfamily.com/content/characteristics-healthy-relationships.

[alterK]

Sounds like you are caught in the trap of JADE--Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain--and this basically never succeeds. Why? Because the person you are dealing with is controlled by fear--of abandonment, of being wrong, of being shown up as horrible and worthless. What seems reasonable to you has either no meaning, or an entirely different meaning to them.

You aren't alone in this trap, by the way. 99% of the people on this forum (including yours truly) have spent time in it. It's natural to try to bring reason into a difficult situation. "No, that's not what I meant!" "I'm not your enemy!" "Listen, it's not as bad as you're making it out to be!" But with this kind of person it doesn't work. If you persist, the conversation often degenerates into an argument.

Cat's suggestion is a good one. I'd add to that, look at the books listed under "Tools." Getting your head around the ways not to get stuck in BPD interactions takes some work, and there's no magic formula, but you will find that the more you understand, the stronger you will feel.

[Good Intentions]

Sounds like you are caught in the trap of JADE--Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain--and this basically never succeeds. Why? Because the person you are dealing with is controlled by fear--of abandonment, of being wrong, of being shown up as horrible and worthless. What seems reasonable to you has either no meaning, or an entirely different meaning to them.

You aren't alone in this trap, by the way. 99% of the people on this forum (including yours truly) have spent time in it. It's natural to try to bring reason into a difficult situation. "No, that's not what I meant!" "I'm not your enemy!" "Listen, it's not as bad as you're making it out to be!" But with this kind of person it doesn't work. If you persist, the conversation often degenerates into an argument.

Cat's suggestion is a good one. I'd add to that, look at the books listed under "Tools." Getting your head around the ways not to get stuck in BPD interactions takes some work, and there's no magic formula, but you will find that the more you understand, the stronger you will feel.

I strongly echo this comment!