Potential for Divorce and telling the kids

[Depression = 72% of members]

My wife says she wants a divorce.  I do not.  We are going to a divorce counseling session on January 3.  I am still hoping to turn things around, but I understand I cannot control that.

I am trying to figure out how to tell the kids, I know the counseling is supposed to help with that.

Background - in my opinion, my wife is a high-functioning, quiet, petulant, waif type of BPD.  She rarely rages, and instead withdraws.  She does not have self-harm or suicidal tendencies.  I am usually the sole target of her blaming and controlling behaviors. (although I fear my kids may become the target if I am not there)

When the kids ask, "Why?"  I want to be able to respond in a way that is true to my values, and helps instill those values in my children.

When I have asked my wife for reasons she is dissatisfied with the relationship, I don't get specific complaints, only criticism.  She accuses me of lacking empathy, being a narcissist, being autistic, being controlling, black and white thinking.  I believe this is all projecting.  When I ask for specifics, I don't get them.

I want to say, "I have no idea why Mom wants a divorce, I would love to know that myself."  But that probably isn't appropriate.

Others have said you can say Mom & Dad are fighting and can't work their differences out.
I don't think that is true.  In my opinion, we disagree much less than most couples.  I go along with her most of the time, except in the rare times it seems to not make any sense.  I am willing to compromise, if she offered any proposals.

I value working things out and compromise.  I want my kids to understand that all relationships have conflict, and conflict isn't a reason to end a relationship.  I think part of our issue is that my wife has an unrealistic expectation that we should agree on everything.  When we don't, she splits herself and me.  I don't want my kids to do the same thing.

We almost never argue in front of the kids.  I have tried to protect them from that.  So this entire situation will probably be a complete shock to them.

[bugwaterguy]

My wife says she wants a divorce.  I do not.  We are going to a divorce counseling session on January 3.  I am still hoping to turn things around, but I understand I cannot control that.

I am trying to figure out how to tell the kids, I know the counseling is supposed to help with that.

Background - in my opinion, my wife is a high-functioning, quiet, petulant, waif type of BPD.  She rarely rages, and instead withdraws.  She does not have self-harm or suicidal tendencies.  I am usually the sole target of her blaming and controlling behaviors. (although I fear my kids may become the target if I am not there)

When the kids ask, "Why?"  I want to be able to respond in a way that is true to my values, and helps instill those values in my children.

When I have asked my wife for reasons she is dissatisfied with the relationship, I don't get specific complaints, only criticism.  She accuses me of lacking empathy, being a narcissist, being autistic, being controlling, black and white thinking.  I believe this is all projecting.  When I ask for specifics, I don't get them.

I want to say, "I have no idea why Mom wants a divorce, I would love to know that myself."  But that probably isn't appropriate.

Others have said you can say Mom & Dad are fighting and can't work their differences out.
I don't think that is true.  In my opinion, we disagree much less than most couples.  I go along with her most of the time, except in the rare times it seems to not make any sense.  I am willing to compromise, if she offered any proposals.

I value working things out and compromise.  I want my kids to understand that all relationships have conflict, and conflict isn't a reason to end a relationship.  I think part of our issue is that my wife has an unrealistic expectation that we should agree on everything.  When we don't, she splits herself and me.  I don't want my kids to do the same thing.

We almost never argue in front of the kids.  I have tried to protect them from that.  So this entire situation will probably be a complete shock to them.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[babyducks]

In Margalis Fjelstad's book: Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist, in chapter 3; Fjelstad talks about the topic of Emotional Merging.     She says: "Differences cannot be tolerated and are attacked by the BP/NP because to disagree means to the BP/NP that he or she is wrong, bad, or shameful.    Merging into an amoeba like oneness is the only tolerable state for the BP/NP, and the one must be them."

The feeling of merging keeps everyone emotionally safe and accepted.   

I always remember the phrase amoeba like oneness, because boy, that nailed it.

When the kids ask, "Why?"  I want to be able to respond in a way that is true to my values, and helps instill those values in my children.

the experience most often reported here is the kids ask more specific questions, 'does this mean I have to give up my bedroom?'   'am I going to have to change schools in the middle of the year?'  'am I going to have to stop playing on the baseball team?'

if they get to 'why' its fine to stay general and simple.    something like:

"The why's are a little complicated to explain.  I am not sure how to answer that question fully right now.

We see things from very different perspectives and haven't been able to agree on a path forward that is good for both of us."

I am aiming for honest but not too revealing of the intimate details of an adult relationship.   I forget how old your children are.   

I'd also suggest being aware of the Karpman Drama Triangle, if that is something you have run into in your reading.

'ducks

 

[bugwaterguy]

"Differences cannot be tolerated and are attacked by the BP/NP because to disagree means to the BP/NP that he or she is wrong, bad, or shameful."

Yes to this.  I feel things are fine unless I disagree, or even ask a clarifying question.

the experience most often reported here is the kids ask more specific questions, 'does this mean I have to give up my bedroom?'   'am I going to have to change schools in the middle of the year?'  'am I going to have to stop playing on the baseball team?'

I hope that is true for my kids.  (they are 10 and 17)  They both very much are into the "why".   

I would like to have those logistical things figured out before we tell them.  I am trying to figure out how to do that, without solving my wife's problems and coming up with answers to those questions.  Any ideas on how to do that?

[kells76]

BWG, one possible approach to the bigger "why" question is: nobody can force someone who doesn't want to be in a relationship with them, to stay in the relationship. That could be a part of your answer. I'm assuming that it is true for you. It could also make sense to your kids at their ages.

In terms of the other logistical questions, I'm guessing you plan to stay in the house?

[bugwaterguy]

BWG, one possible approach to the bigger "why" question is: nobody can force someone who doesn't want to be in a relationship with them, to stay in the relationship. That could be a part of your answer. I'm assuming that it is true for you. It could also make sense to your kids at their ages.

In terms of the other logistical questions, I'm guessing you plan to stay in the house?

Thanks for the advice. 

I do plan to stay in the house.  My wife designed this house, and we did much of the work on it together.  Designing her own house was one of her childhood dreams.  She now is very disparaging and focuses on everything she wishes she would've done with it, but didn't.  It is like she is "splitting" the house. 

I wonder if accomplishing the home building relatively early in her life left her without a sense of purpose?

[mitten]

Sorry you're going through this.  Hopefully maybe she decides not to go through with it and the counseling eases her pain for now.  I love how you're modeling honest/respectful communication with your children, even when it's the harder thing to do.