My (now) ex thinks that she may have bpd

[Lyric_d]

My partner of 7 years abruptly left me 1 month ago, just days after our anniversary. She said it was because things hadn’t been going well, then admitted that our relationship had greatly improved over the years. Then, she told me that she no longer felt emotionally attached to me, and this was the reason she left.
A few weeks later, she admitted that she realized she was interested in someone else, and that revelation was enough to end the relationship. She agreed that she would go to couples therapy with me. And then last week, she admitted that she may have bpd. So she feels that couples therapy won’t matter unless she goes to counseling for her own issues.
Needless to say, It’s been a roller coaster of emotions on my behalf, because this came out of the blue for me. I guess I didn’t realize  she had spent the past few months breaking up with me in her head. She still hasn’t even told her family. I’m very close to her mom and siblings, and see some of them frequently. It’s hard looking at their faces, knowing what I know.
Devastation from the breakup aside, I’m also concerned because we still live together. I’ve been helping her raise her child. Our kid doesn’t remember a time without me being around. I am having a hard time trusting that she won’t just randomly leave without notice one day. I’m afraid that on top of losing my partner of 7 years, I could be losing my kid. That child is the main reason I wake up every morning. I know that I have no rights and my ex can do whatever she wants. So how do I cope with this? There’s just so many unknowns, and the last thing I want to do is break all ties because I fear losing access to my kid.

[kells76]

Hi Lyric_d, just want you to know I see your post.

What you describe sounds awfully familiar to people around here -- heightened drama around holidays/special events (your anniversary), saying the exact opposite of what was just said (our relationship is awful, no actually it's fine), lack of boundaries (seeing someone else when in relationship with you)... the list goes on and on.

It’s been a roller coaster of emotions on my behalf, because this came out of the blue for me. I guess I didn’t realize  she had spent the past few months breaking up with me in her head.

That is a good insight to have -- that the two of you have been on different pages about the relationship for a while.

She still hasn’t even told her family. I’m very close to her mom and siblings, and see some of them frequently. It’s hard looking at their faces, knowing what I know.

As of today, is that still the case -- that as far as you know, she hasn't told them?

I’ve been helping her raise her child. Our kid doesn’t remember a time without me being around.

So you've been in the "dad" (I'm assuming) role for a while? How old was kiddo when you and your partner got together?

I know that I have no rights and my ex can do whatever she wants. So how do I cope with this?

Just to get really detail-y for a second, it's possible that if you've acted as a parental figure for a substantial amount of time, you may have some rights -- it depends on a LOT (your state, length of time, etc). Many lawyers offer free or low-cost initial consultations -- you don't have to hire them or do a retainer or anything, you can just talk for 30-60 minutes. This will give you lots of helpful info about your actual standing, so that instead of having to rely on what your GF says (which changes based on how she's feeling inside), you can know for sure if/how your relationship with her child is protected. Sometimes you don't even have to make an appt, you can just call and describe what's going on. When we were looking for L's a while ago, the one we ended up hiring actually was the guy answering the phone, and he was super helpful and talked right away for >30 minutes about our situation. So, I'd highly recommend you reach out to a couple, give the nutshell version of what's going on, and see what they say is typical for your area.

Getting that info can decrease the unknowns so you can make a clearer decision about what you want to do.

Please reach out again here whenever works for you -- interested to hear how the last week or two have gone.

Cheers;

kells76

[SinisterComplex]

My partner of 7 years abruptly left me 1 month ago, just days after our anniversary. She said it was because things hadn’t been going well, then admitted that our relationship had greatly improved over the years. Then, she told me that she no longer felt emotionally attached to me, and this was the reason she left.
A few weeks later, she admitted that she realized she was interested in someone else, and that revelation was enough to end the relationship. She agreed that she would go to couples therapy with me. And then last week, she admitted that she may have bpd. So she feels that couples therapy won’t matter unless she goes to counseling for her own issues.
Needless to say, It’s been a roller coaster of emotions on my behalf, because this came out of the blue for me. I guess I didn’t realize  she had spent the past few months breaking up with me in her head. She still hasn’t even told her family. I’m very close to her mom and siblings, and see some of them frequently. It’s hard looking at their faces, knowing what I know.
Devastation from the breakup aside, I’m also concerned because we still live together. I’ve been helping her raise her child. Our kid doesn’t remember a time without me being around. I am having a hard time trusting that she won’t just randomly leave without notice one day. I’m afraid that on top of losing my partner of 7 years, I could be losing my kid. That child is the main reason I wake up every morning. I know that I have no rights and my ex can do whatever she wants. So how do I cope with this? There’s just so many unknowns, and the last thing I want to do is break all ties because I fear losing access to my kid.

Well lyric...first, welcome. 

Sorry to hear about this tough situation. Truly dealing with these kinds of relationships is jarring and a culture shock even for the strongest person.

You ask how do you cope? Well I will ask you what are your coping mechanisms? Do you have any coping strategies you use and apply for anything else?

I cannot give you all the answers, but what I can do and what Kells and all the others can do is be here for you and help you along the way. We care.

Keep us updated. Keep posting and use this resource as much as you need to. This family will have your back. Don't be afraid to share and don't feel embarrassed. The more information you can provide and the more you share the better the help and support that will receive. If you ever question if we get it just remember all of us are here for a reason...We understand.

Cheers and best wishes to you!

-SC-