Sent New Years message

[idk123]

I stupidly sent a message to my friend with BPD that I miss so much. I had gone two and half months without trying to contact him (he has me blocked on everything). I saw he had a Telegram account and sent him a New Years message that said the following:

Despite everything, I’m happy that we were friends. I miss our odd little adventures around the city. Climbing on top of the Cartier building, sneaking into the gallery stairwell…the time you decided it was a good idea to play Russian Roulette with our fingers, that bike chain that ________ed your ankle, and a random metal bar. 2021 was the first year I started feeling happy again and challenging my OCD. Seeing my family regularly again, getting over James, cleaning out my apartment. I don’t think that any of that would have happened as easily for me if I hadn’t started talking to you and getting out of my stupid apartment more. I think I was always sort of trying to repay that somehow. I’m sorry I failed at that. Happy New Years.

(The Russian Roulette thing is just a joke about when we were trying to fix a bike chain that went on to fail and cause him to get in an accident)

I feel like such an idiot for sending that. I'd already sent him a stupid Christmas card in the mail, which he obviously ignored. I know he's either just sent something really mean back, or he's just silently blocked me on that platform as well, but I have OCD, so now I haven't slept in almost two days, can't eat, and am just a mess. I'm just obsessing about having done that and worrying that I've made him hate me more.

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[WhatToDo47]

I feel you. I posted something today on a similar note. I think I also have some OCD. Don’t beat yourself up. I spent hours perfecting the wording on messages like that over my 5 year marriage. It didn’t matter 1 bit. Your message is genuine and sweet. His response to it is unpredictable and unrelated. His response depends almost entirely on his current emotional turmoil. I know it’s easier said than done with the OCD. A psychiatrist friend of mine recommended writing out the possible outcomes. For example. 1.) No response, I continue my life. 2.) Mean response, don’t take the bait continue my life, etc. Then you can look at it when you start to obsess and act accordingly.

Also, it helps me to post here when I’m tempted to reach out, and to read the stories on here to force me back into reality and not magical thinking that a nice message can cure BPD - a trap that I fall into still.

Take care and hope this helps. Do some nice things for yourself and take care of yourself (exercise, spend time with family and friends, pray if you do that, etc).

You’re not alone, by a long shot.

[idk123]

I just miss him so, so, so much

[WhatToDo47]

I just miss him so, so, so much

I feel you. I miss her so, so, so much, too. Do you have a therapist, family or friends you can talk to? That’s what gets me through. Now you’ve sent the message, the ball is in his court.

I’ve made it my New Years resolution to work on myself and not to accept any more abuse. The way he’s treating you is abusive, silent treatment, etc.

I’m no expert but I’m here for you if I can help somehow.