I stupidly sent a message to my friend with BPD that I miss so much. I had gone two and half months without trying to contact him (he has me blocked on everything). I saw he had a Telegram account and sent him a New Years message that said the following:
Despite everything, I’m happy that we were friends. I miss our odd little adventures around the city. Climbing on top of the Cartier building, sneaking into the gallery stairwell…the time you decided it was a good idea to play Russian Roulette with our fingers, that bike chain that
PLEASE READed your ankle, and a random metal bar. 2021 was the first year I started feeling happy again and challenging my OCD. Seeing my family regularly again, getting over James, cleaning out my apartment. I don’t think that any of that would have happened as easily for me if I hadn’t started talking to you and getting out of my stupid apartment more. I think I was always sort of trying to repay that somehow. I’m sorry I failed at that. Happy New Years.
(The Russian Roulette thing is just a joke about when we were trying to fix a bike chain that went on to fail and cause him to get in an accident)
I feel like such an idiot for sending that. I'd already sent him a stupid Christmas card in the mail, which he obviously ignored. I know he's either just sent something really mean back, or he's just silently blocked me on that platform as well, but I have OCD, so now I haven't slept in almost two days, can't eat, and am just a mess. I'm just obsessing about having done that and worrying that I've made him hate me more.