VeronicaL
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: single
Posts: 49
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« on: January 27, 2022, 11:16:54 AM » |
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I had been wavering about my situation and my SO. He was showing characteristics of either ROCD/Quiet BPD in my opinion. I had been learning attachment theories so it all is interrelated. I veered away from BPD for a little bc I never saw him angry, or even upset overall, with me. Always very patient. But...
So recently we broke up (#2) out of the blue.
What would your advice be in this situation about reaching out: (togehter almost 2 years; Breakup #1 after a year anniversary, super close; #2 8 months later again after close):
My Quiet BPD broke up about 8 months ago, bc of a problem they won't/can't tell you but caused the breakup or them not being able to be in it. But said not my fault, still loves me LOML, etc...but this problem will not be good for the relationship, not fair or good for me. Problem will affect their whole life, dont want to make me broken, don't know how to make me happy, and problem will keep interfering. Seemingly distraught could not see me for 3 weeks, but we still talked, texted, pics, etc. Could then see me as a friend,,seemed to be what calmed him down. I jumped ot friend mode, tho we still cuddled, etc. Were in situationship basically a couple. Saw each other all the time, seemed happy, closer, started to open! I asked what the problem was about 3-4 times in the first few weeks. Realized a locked boundary.. I did stress/anxious, and started to think I missed something in relationship and assigned usual break up reasons to ours and kept asking for reassurance questions (ex..were were too intense, did someone else get in your radar, et). Was told he loved all of that and no, it is bc of the problem. Told me I am helping him way m ore than I know, his angel, etc. We got closer and at one point he told me he feels better about the problem.
8months later..Things were really excellent Every once in a while I thought I felt moments here and there of stress OFC he hid it. People pleaser . I went abroad w family over holidays, got stuck longer due to illness, we talked every secon/text. Could not wait to see him. He miss me alot. Went from the airport, showered right to see him. Had an incredible week w him. Following week after a great night, him telling me basically back to assuming we had plans on the weekends always, affectionate, Loved me so much.
Yet...told me as I was leaving in a 10 minute convo...that HE doesn't want to see me anymore bc he needs to get better, heal, and move on from the relationship. What we are doing is too hard for him. When he is with me he feels great and normal yet he knows it's mot right so when we are not together, he feels really bad about himself. He knows this is how to heal from the relationship, not the problem.
Said he still loves me and that didn't change in this bc feelings do not go away. Also said he is not done loving me. And he knew staying away (after breakup) was the best and we didn't. He wants to heal from the breakup and cant and he's not over the problem. Seemed to be talking about just bc thoughts seem wrong but doesn't mean that it feels wrong bc sometimes it feels great. He said he can't do the relationship because he rally can't.
Said being together brings up the breakup and doesn't feel right doing this with how it ended bc he is still dealing with all of that. AND...He never got the space he needed right after breakup #1, and I kept asking him questions about the problem, not understanding what happened, and that is not giving someone space. Said he didn't like talking about the problem. Said he is mad at me for that and for now...bc I want to continue doing this and don't want him to move on.
And it is bc I never gave him the space he needed and he told me he needed it and I didn't do it! (HE said time but saw me 3 weeks after when he was ready and asked me! 2 wway street texts, etc.. I always asked!) This is not what t happened all he has to do is look at text. In addition, I asked him about 3 tines directly what is the problem before I realized it was a strict/painful boundary. I WAS asking questions such as are we too intense, did you loose interest, etc...THose kinds bc you start to think you missed something. I did ask reassurances but it was not about HIS problem.
Said no texting or snap bc he can't heal.So we are no contact.
I have never felt anger ever from him to me. Except that. Not explosive but he admitted having that emotionI am very sensitive. I also have not given him anger but I did get mad at texted bc I was in shock he did this again out of the blue and admitted he was thinking about this (and never said anything )! But if you saw the texts, our times, no one believes this. I told him manipulating someone ot think things are ok is not right, a. He actually said that if I wanted him to say how bad things were bc I said he should communicated all of this the moment he felt struggle. . It wasn't a great text convo, I was a angry. . He said he can't be in the relationship because he really can't do it. Said he needs space now.
Also I said nothing, bc I was shocked, and cried. I got mad at that too. Told him he was a coward, and he said that it would be awkward bc all Iwould just cry and not talk. I said ofc the only times you saw me cry is when you unload surprises like this with no real explanation (which he said he does not owe me other people get ghosted), and I shut down. Awkward.. This whole thing totally atypical of him in 2 years.
So we are not speaking, Not blocked...but it has been almost 3 weeks. I almost contacted him not to say sorry, but sorry for reacting in anger bc tho I don't agree w his feelings (of blame), I got angry (translation to him his feelings unimportant) but he was and is the most important thing to me.
And my anger was a reaction bc of the shock and opening my weak spot from breakup #1. ( I had gotten back to a really secure place tho)
OFC I have accidentally dialed him twice since no contact ! It was a true accident bc of the way the app is.
But I am afraid he thinks he let himself come out/open up and then showed his 'bad side' and is not feeling good, PLUS he is angry at me and I am thinking he will not contact me. I am really sad. Devestated. My BF too. Tho I have taken alot of time to soul srearch and read about attachment styles which probably brought me to the place of realizing I invalidated his feelings and he never communicated CLEARLY what he wanted.
The main problem which he fails to see IMO and this stems --- I have NO IDEA what the problem is. How can I possibly mind read or guess or even be a friend like this?
Snap break up #1 was bc he has a problem that caused him not to be in relationship
Snap breakup #2 is bc he needs to heal from what happened and that the problem destroyed everything for him (us)
Both breakups after very close, and things great.!
Any suggestions from a pw BPD or otherwise about reaching out or not.?
I was angry, numb, disbelief, sad, obsessed but I have a real heartache. I never thought we would not be in each other's lives in some way. No matter what. I never would hurt him intentionally and if I understood what he meant I would have worked on it. Or if he told me I was doing it wrong, not what needed..
I felt he loved me more than anyone could.but then this...but this last episode I am paranoid a little. I am trying to respect the new boundary with the open ended space.And his word moving on...
I am just having a hard time to figure out if they are just moved on/no looking back...It is all so atypical of him overall. TWICE now.
Thank you it's grossly long!
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