Hello

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hello

I am almost four months post ‘discard’ by my ex-pwBPD.

I only learned about his BPD after the break-up as I have spent the past months agonising over what I’ve experienced and -crucially - why. I have strong codependent traits and initiated a divorce with my ex-husband during the initial idealisation stage with my ex-pwBPD. Fortunately ending my marriage wasn’t BECAUSE I wanted to be with my ex-BPD but he was a very close friend whose seeming care and understanding helped me find the strength to finally end a marriage I’d known for years wasn’t what it should be.

To say I’ve been ruminating would be fair. I’ve also done a lot of reading. What brings me here is that, despite all my cognitive, rational ability to appreciate that I can’t reason with him and that the relationship was rarely (since those early first days) what I would view as adult and mutually-reciprocal, I continue to struggle on an emotional level.  

I am in therapy and whilst it’s helping, progress is naturally slow and my healing is further hampered by the fact that I work with my ex-pwBPD. In fact, if I am to do what I have dearly wanted to in my career for some time, I’ll have to work more closely with him than ever before. And I’ve only recently gained that chance. I am at the stage of debating whether I can continue in a job that I love and am good at because of him.

I struggle to know that whilst he’ll be professional (and he can be, although it’s taken quite a bit of intervention by his line manager to get him there), this is a facade that masks his utter contempt for me. It feels torturous to have to interact with him in a way that gives everyone around us the impression that everything’s fine when every time I finish a meeting I have to go to the toilets and cry.

He’s accused me of traumatising him because I struggled to understand the incredibly cruel essay he sent me to end our relationship. It amounted to him telling me he’d never had feelings for me and had gone along with our relationship for over a year because he was afraid of hurting me (more like afraid of how he’d feel when he did it). It listed all the ways I’d impacted his well-being simply by existing. It told me I was ‘too much’ for asking for the bare minimum in terms of communication or my needs. I did persist in trying to get him to help me make sense of it. Clearly it distressed him further but I didn’t understand this at the time, no more than I understood that you ‘can’t make sense of someone else’s nonsense’ (that is flippant, I in no way wish to demonise those with BPD whose behaviours are at least understood, if not necessarily what those more neurotypical would call rational).

I know that this was the BPD talking but it continues (because of my codependency) to FEEL very real. I am struggling to comprehend that it’s actually NOT my fault and I believe that subconsciously I haven’t accepted he has a personality disorder. I assume I can’t possibly be right, that it IS all my fault and I think that means I’m struggling to let go because that means acknowledging I can’t fix it.

Perhaps time is necessary. Perhaps it’s the only thing that I can’t influence right now but also the only thing that I need to allow to pass.

I would be so grateful to read your thoughts. In particular, my work ‘predicament’ is something I’d really value any insight into, whether it be similar circumstances you’ve experienced or advice on how to not let him ‘get’ to me. I initially tried (before understanding about BPD) to work on us resuming a friendly relationship, not realising that in so-doing, in trying to rationalise why that should be possible (‘you liked me, I’m still me’; ‘we worked so well as a team’) I likely further entrenched him in his view that I’m trying to manipulate him by being ‘nice’. In fact, I was told that by saying only ‘nice things’ about him that he feels ‘pressure to reciprocate’. I hate the feeling, despite recognising why it happens rationally, that I can’t win against his ‘logic’.

I’m struggling with ‘no contact’ personally because I dislike being told ‘no’ (I don’t like loss of my own sovereignty) although I’m now on Day Three as I’ve gradually come to realise that shouting into a void isn’t actually changing anything. Of course, the fact that I have to see him at work really does negate much of what ‘no contact’ would actually help me achieve if we were not colleagues but at least I’m no longer showing him I care enough to send a message (which he still reads - he’s never blocked me either on means of contact or social media, though I’ve now blocked him on social media).

I could go on. I am sure there are a number of you who have been in similar shoes to mine. I look forward to hearing from you. Thank you in advance.

[Em2310]

Hello

I am almost four months post ‘discard’ by my ex-pwBPD.

I only learned about his BPD after the break-up as I have spent the past months agonising over what I’ve experienced and -crucially - why. I have strong codependent traits and initiated a divorce with my ex-husband during the initial idealisation stage with my ex-pwBPD. Fortunately ending my marriage wasn’t BECAUSE I wanted to be with my ex-BPD but he was a very close friend whose seeming care and understanding helped me find the strength to finally end a marriage I’d known for years wasn’t what it should be.

To say I’ve been ruminating would be fair. I’ve also done a lot of reading. What brings me here is that, despite all my cognitive, rational ability to appreciate that I can’t reason with him and that the relationship was rarely (since those early first days) what I would view as adult and mutually-reciprocal, I continue to struggle on an emotional level.  

I am in therapy and whilst it’s helping, progress is naturally slow and my healing is further hampered by the fact that I work with my ex-pwBPD. In fact, if I am to do what I have dearly wanted to in my career for some time, I’ll have to work more closely with him than ever before. And I’ve only recently gained that chance. I am at the stage of debating whether I can continue in a job that I love and am good at because of him.

I struggle to know that whilst he’ll be professional (and he can be, although it’s taken quite a bit of intervention by his line manager to get him there), this is a facade that masks his utter contempt for me. It feels torturous to have to interact with him in a way that gives everyone around us the impression that everything’s fine when every time I finish a meeting I have to go to the toilets and cry.

He’s accused me of traumatising him because I struggled to understand the incredibly cruel essay he sent me to end our relationship. It amounted to him telling me he’d never had feelings for me and had gone along with our relationship for over a year because he was afraid of hurting me (more like afraid of how he’d feel when he did it). It listed all the ways I’d impacted his well-being simply by existing. It told me I was ‘too much’ for asking for the bare minimum in terms of communication or my needs. I did persist in trying to get him to help me make sense of it. Clearly it distressed him further but I didn’t understand this at the time, no more than I understood that you ‘can’t make sense of someone else’s nonsense’ (that is flippant, I in no way wish to demonise those with BPD whose behaviours are at least understood, if not necessarily what those more neurotypical would call rational).

I know that this was the BPD talking but it continues (because of my codependency) to FEEL very real. I am struggling to comprehend that it’s actually NOT my fault and I believe that subconsciously I haven’t accepted he has a personality disorder. I assume I can’t possibly be right, that it IS all my fault and I think that means I’m struggling to let go because that means acknowledging I can’t fix it.

Perhaps time is necessary. Perhaps it’s the only thing that I can’t influence right now but also the only thing that I need to allow to pass.

I would be so grateful to read your thoughts. In particular, my work ‘predicament’ is something I’d really value any insight into, whether it be similar circumstances you’ve experienced or advice on how to not let him ‘get’ to me. I initially tried (before understanding about BPD) to work on us resuming a friendly relationship, not realising that in so-doing, in trying to rationalise why that should be possible (‘you liked me, I’m still me’; ‘we worked so well as a team’) I likely further entrenched him in his view that I’m trying to manipulate him by being ‘nice’. In fact, I was told that by saying only ‘nice things’ about him that he feels ‘pressure to reciprocate’. I hate the feeling, despite recognising why it happens rationally, that I can’t win against his ‘logic’.

I’m struggling with ‘no contact’ personally because I dislike being told ‘no’ (I don’t like loss of my own sovereignty) although I’m now on Day Three as I’ve gradually come to realise that shouting into a void isn’t actually changing anything. Of course, the fact that I have to see him at work really does negate much of what ‘no contact’ would actually help me achieve if we were not colleagues but at least I’m no longer showing him I care enough to send a message (which he still reads - he’s never blocked me either on means of contact or social media, though I’ve now blocked him on social media).

I could go on. I am sure there are a number of you who have been in similar shoes to mine. I look forward to hearing from you. Thank you in advance.

[Buddy Joe]

He’s accused me of traumatising him because I struggled to understand the incredibly cruel essay he sent me to end our relationship. It amounted to him telling me he’d never had feelings for me and had gone along with our relationship for over a year because he was afraid of hurting me (more like afraid of how he’d feel when he did it). It listed all the ways I’d impacted his well-being simply by existing. It told me I was ‘too much’ for asking for the bare minimum in terms of communication or my needs. I did persist in trying to get him to help me make sense of it. Clearly it distressed him further but I didn’t understand this at the time, no more than I understood that you ‘can’t make sense of someone else’s nonsense’ (that is flippant, I in no way wish to demonise those with BPD whose behaviours are at least understood, if not necessarily what those more neurotypical would call rational).

You’ll go mad if you make an effort to make any sense of whatever he does. Chances are it will always be a paradoxical behavior.

I know that this was the BPD talking but it continues (because of my codependency) to FEEL very real. I am struggling to comprehend that it’s actually NOT my fault and I believe that subconsciously I haven’t accepted he has a personality disorder. I assume I can’t possibly be right, that it IS all my fault and I think that means I’m struggling to let go because that means acknowledging I can’t fix it.

You really can’t fix him but rather just support him. We are their partners and not their therapist. I’ve eventually stopped blaming myself for how she treats me. I stood my ground and strengthened my mental state so her words won’t affect me as much as before.

[Rev]

Hello Em,

Welcome and thank you for that testimony.  How do you feel now that you've wrote it, I wonder? You've come to really great place - one free of judgement and full of wisdom.

Here's something you wrote that jumps out at me - Perhaps time is necessary. Perhaps it’s the only thing that I can’t influence right now but also the only thing that I need to allow to pass

Yes. You are correct. You'll need to give your body time to catch up to your mind. And so keep up the therapy to promote that kind of healing. These relationships lure people in for all kinds of reasons - not just people with co-dependent tendencies. Securely attached people get hooked as well. These relationships can and do affect our nervous systems.

You've not really asked any questions here - so I'm hearing a desire for moral support - which anyone coming out of BPD relationship needs. It's hard to see one's own value when faced with a progressive effort from our former partners to devalue us.

Continue to reach out. Continue therapy. I'll share the same words that someone shared with me at the beginning of my journey here: "It does get better, even if it doesn't feel like it right now."

Hang in there. Reach out any time.

Rev