Married 26 years - now separated

[Mack1]

Hi folks.
I’ve been with my wife for a total of 26 years, married for just under ten. She is undiagnosed by the traits of BPD have becoming more obvious to me after she ‘split’ me for the second time in our relationship.
The first happened 12 years ago just before we moved in. She broke up with me for all the usual nonsense reasons: bored, unfulfilled, we not compatible. This occurred right after her uncle was found dead. She needed to ‘find herself’ and was too reliant on me.
Now marries, we’re back to the same PLEASE READ. She was sexually abused as a child and I was there through it all when it came out and the PLEASE READ hit the fan. So I know how much damage this has done. Although her behaviour over the years frustrated the life out me, I never connected them with BPD until I started researching the ‘walk away wife’ scenario where all of a sudden the woman shuts down emotionally and quits the relationship.
Although reading posts on this site made me realise I’m dealing with something I can’t control.
This time the ‘split’ happened after we had just spent a fortune extending our house and she was in ‘happy land’ decorating the place a life, and I were amazing.
A month later, we found out the rat who  abused her had died and that ‘flipped the switch’. Overnight I was PLEASE READ husband who couldn’t do nothing right. Now I admit I might not be the most affectionate but now I remember the times I tried but was pushed away. So unless you can read minds and know exactly when affection or attention is needed by them, you’re screwed.
So for three months I tried to be better, not interested.
Then the second she gave me the ‘I love you but I’m not in love with you’ drivel- second time remember, I told her fine, we’ll separate. The cocky, smug way it was delivered made any real feelings I had left vanish.
So now although we’re still communicating ina civil manner, I actually have no interest anymore and hoping she sticks to her word and agrees to sell the house in the next few weeks so we can move on and she can find her happiness she feels can’t get with me.
The reason I’m writing here is although at the start of this I put all blame on me, the minute I found this site I realised it’s not about me. Nothing can be done when they think they’re always right. And before I get slammed, I do love her and feel terrible her childhood, and life was ruined by a beast, I’m not putting myself through anymore.
If anyone reckons there partner suffers from this I’d like to tell you the one, major reason I need to get out came a few weeks after our agreed separation when I watched a program about a guy who became bed bound after contracting COVID. watching his wife care for him I realised if that ever ended up in a position of needing my wife to care for me like that, it wouldn’t happen. She’d be off the minute my needs took over hers.
I’m just sorry I never found this site the last time this happened or there would have not been a second chance.
So anyone thinking they can change or make it better after getting ‘split’ and dumped twice, screw the nut and get out with as little fuss as possible. I’m going along with her version of the marriage not working until I’m out and in the clear.
Funny thing is, now she’s all nice and wanting to remain friends trying to mess with my mind but if you don’t learn from your first dumping then you need help as much as they do.
I know the crash will come but I’m done caring. I dealt with it the last time and let her back in, her family can take care this time.
Good luck to anyone in the same position. 

[NotAHero]

I am sorry you are going through this after 26 years.

 I am out of a 5 years + a child together and it’s been tough. I can only imagine 26 years.

 That being said though you are right about everything. If you fall ill don’t count on a pwBPD, a non sense reason is all it takes to let you down.  From the stories here to what I experienced I think the relationship with them is not worth it overall. It depends on the person but the blamers type seem to be a hopeless case.

[WhatToDo47]

All I can say is wow. So sorry to hear you're going through that! Same thing here, but married 5 years and no kids, thank God. Then the rapid and sudden nonsensical, cruel, heartless, "walk away wife" scenario about 6 months ago for me.

Your story is even more proof to me that I need to not take my wife back when the crash and re-painting me white inevitably comes. Your wife might be the most like mine out of every story I've read on this site.

EXACTLY all the same words, she needs to find herself, she loves me but not in love, calls me now like she's some acquaintance or work buddy, trying to give me know it all advice about stupid things while totally ignoring the massive emotional wound she just dealt me and my family, telling me why is everyone acting like the sky is falling, why aren't I sending her flowers and chasing her, she doesn't know who she is, has to learn how to stand on her own 2 feet, etc etc. Not loving spouse things. I could go on but suffice it to say it would read like a carbon copy of your story in almost every way.

It sounds like you're out of the FOG and really understand what's going on. I'm at a critical juncture that's basically parallel to the first time she went "walk away wife" on you. Right now, my challenge is steeling myself to resist reconciliation attempts.

Any wisdom from your shoes to help me and those in my situation? I admire your clarity and so much sympathy and love for what you're going through. Must be truly awful and it's so disturbingly familiar to my wife and the awful emotional abuse I've had to suffer.

Sounds like you had and I both had a blamer on your hands, like Mack1 said. These people should come with a warning, I know they've suffered awful abuse to make them like this, but that doesn't give the license to abuse and hurt others.

[Mack1]

You’re right mate. You’ve done better than me as I only found this site weeks ago after a month of thinking it was ‘all me’ again that was causing the turmoil. When you read so many similar stories it really helps. We were young the first time and I just assumed at the time she regretted missing out on life a bit asi was 21 she was 16.
First break came ten years later just as we were about to buy our first house. (Major stress trigger) and her uncle was found dead(abandonment) by a male relative is her trigger I think as that’s what happened in November. Leading up to that was amazing, she had just bought a new £40000 car, we just built an extension to the house, then the rat(uncle) who’d abused her died and I’m sure she regressed back to her youth and the whole world turned to Hell, with me playing the main part, big Lucifer himself.
It’s strange though how now I know I see it more as we are still cohabiting until we can sell the house. The little instances of blaming for any indiscretion, however minor than doesn’t even cross my mind.
The dog crapped in the yard but it was when I let him out as she watches him. Aye, okay. Who the f%#k cares, just put it in bag and be done. No big deal but always that element of letting you know ‘your fault’ again.
I laugh internally now as my main focus is keeping her thinking how sad I am this is happening to keep the peace and make this process smooth as possible until I sprint for the hills.
I’ll send you a PM mate and we can chat whenever.

[WhatToDo47]

Thank you. I also found this site after she left me in September (over 6 months ago now), and I was finally to the point of what the heck is going on. She had other times over the years where I now recognize she was devaluing, "recycling me," including showing up to my work and telling me we have to break up when we were dating, telling me to stop the car and let her out and she would walk the few blocks from there to her home (also when we were dating), and an especially emotionally damaging instance last year where I was at work and she texted me that she was packing her things and leaving, I ended up frantically driving home, getting her therapist on a 3 way call, etc, only to come home and find that she'd packed me a suitcase too (which she didn't mention) so I was "overreacting" "what's the big deal." And many, many, many instances like this or of her "leaving" by threatening or actually attempting suicide. This last time I was so out of ideas, I had tried and done EVERYTHING I knew how to do, not even her therapist could get through to her this last time, he was split black too and had gone from the "best therapist ever" "she LOVES him like family" to "unprofessional" "controlling" etc.

I initially looked up bipolar, but found BPD and it all finally made sense. She meets literally every single criteria.

Like you, I always thought it was 'all me' and she told me that it was. I would end up apologizing for the most ridiculous things just to survive the day. I'm so sick of it. And then she would claim to not even remember that it happened. I couldn't keep up.

The similar stories help so much. I think I'm where you were at your first time that it happened. I am 30 and she's 26, when we met she was just 20. When she left last year, she gave me the same reasons (among a million other nonsensical reasons), but including that when she met me she was young, she wanted some time to live without responsibilities, learn how to live on her own, etc and then maybe in 5 years we'd get back together. Her words. 5 years. And I'm just supposed to sit on a shelf like a toy and be thankful for the privilege to MAYBE be the focus of her attention years down the line.

We were also saving up to buy a house. We were supposed to buy one this year and were going to start trying for kids in November. She left in late September. She has now spent all of the money we had saved for a down payment. Instead of just saying she was overwhelmed, wanted to wait for house and kids, which I would have been fine with, she did this. Just a gross and cruel way to treat people.

She didn't have the rat uncle, but she does have a very cruel and abusive mother, who also has cancer and needs a major surgery that she may not survive. I think this is also a trigger for her, as now her mom, who we moved halfway across the country to escape, is her hero and I am the big bad husband who tried to take her from her mom. The same mom that kicked her out, beat her with a belt, frying pan, threw plates, yelled, told her over and over how she's fat, lazy, stupid, trash, etc, abused her so bad that she doesn't remember her childhood. I'm 99% sure her mom is BPD/NPD and a very severe case. Anyways, I'm also Lucifer in this new version of her life that she created that random September morning.

I'm also just trying to keep the peace for now. Long story but she demanded I divorce her, she's flip flopped on that about a million times, the divorce is proceeding, but if I act too sad or too happy, it's my head on a silver platter. I have to validate her and play the role she wants me to play, depending on the day. I hear from her on the phone or text from time to time, and it's very obvious how she wants me to react depending on the day. I go along and act aloof so that the divorce will proceed calmly. She really doesn't think this is a big deal and I know she thinks she can come back whenever she wants, come and go as she pleases, but that's not what I signed up for. More of my story in my other posts so I won't repeat it here.

Thanks for the PM I'll look out for it. Really appreciate it and you and everyone here!

[WhatToDo47]

Oh, and I always used to try and keep her behavior between us during the previous chaotic discards. This time, I told my family and the therapist she made me get (so that the therapist could tell me I'm crazy, but what actually happened is the therapist told me she has at least BPD and I need to get out before kids or I get even more serious PTSD). I think she's scared that I'm catching on to her abuse and I'm so thankful for all of you, my T, and my family for finally helping me see through the FOG.

[Mack1]

I was the same. Always defending her, even against my family for her childish behaviour and tantrums. Hindsight is a great thing when you finally see it and it’s your tool for making sure you don’t repeat the same mistakes again.
Right now I tell myself every interaction I have with her is false, only now I’m playing the same game, whereas for years I’d defend and explain. It’s easier in a way as I don’t even try to second-guess now as I’ve realised you can’t, rational thinking does not apply so it’s all about appease and agree it’s all my fault it’s ended like this in the hope things move along as smoothly as possible.
Stay strong.

[ForeverDad]

A wise step to take right now would be to consult local experienced, proactive family law attorneys.  Why?  Because you give the impression of someone ready to end the relationship with little attention to your rights?  Who gets the proceeds of the sold home, if it gets sold?  Are the gains (marital equity) split evenly?  Or are you feeling you need to agree to anything however bad just to "end" it?

Do the lawyers you interview agree with the principles outlined in William Eddy's excellent "Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder"?  (Be aware that many lawyers will not cite where they get their strategies beyond prior experience in their practice.  My own lawyer never once mentioned BPD even though I did but many of his strategies were mirrored there.)

Another important reminder: we as Nice Guys and Nice Gals model ourselves as exceedingly fair and nice people.  Do our disordered spouses do that?  No, they're disordered.  So our super-fairness, sharing all our plans and strategies, will tend to set us up for sabotage.  For that reason, if you are contemplating a separation or divorce you do not share your strategies too soon.  First get the private and confidential advice of experienced lawyers.  Listen to them, they know not only the local courts and the legal system, they also know what usually works and what usually doesn't work.  They are there to protect your interests, even if all you want to do is cut the strings to your detriment, that will advocate for you to protect your interests as much as possible in any settlements.  This starts with not sharing our strategies with the other spouse too soon or overmuch.  You have a right to privacy and confidentiality with lawyers despite the late night interrogations of a demanding spouse.

[Mack1]

Thank you for the advice buddy.
I’m lucky to be in the position that we don’t have any kids and the only real asset we have is the house and to be fair she is transparent in all her interactions as am I regarding the sale.
I understand your concern and any variance from what I think is fair will result in a war and she know this as she is well aware of my personality, BPD or not, as do her family so any mischief won’t go unpunished.
I think that is why my calmness and agreement to end the marriage is freaking her out and she just wants to sell and move on.
The law here states you cannot be removed from the matrimonial home without a court order(domestic abuse) no doubt but I’ve already taken precautions against that so if she does try to claim that, she’ll be done with wasting police time and lose her job.
However, I’m taking this day-by-day so your words are appreciated and I’ll definitely be keeping them in mind.
Never underestimate and BPD’r.

[WhatToDo47]

I was the same. Always defending her, even against my family for her childish behaviour and tantrums. Hindsight is a great thing when you finally see it and it’s your tool for making sure you don’t repeat the same mistakes again.
Right now I tell myself every interaction I have with her is false, only now I’m playing the same game, whereas for years I’d defend and explain. It’s easier in a way as I don’t even try to second-guess now as I’ve realised you can’t, rational thinking does not apply so it’s all about appease and agree it’s all my fault it’s ended like this in the hope things move along as smoothly as possible.
Stay strong.

You too and I'm using the same strategy. So far so good... Wish I didn't have to treat another human like this, let alone someone I love(d) so much, but so be it, it's the life she's chosen and she's an adult, I can't nor do I want to control her

[WhatToDo47]

ForeverDad, thank you. I needed this today. I do have an excellent lawyer, but I still tend to fall into my nice guy/treating people fairly tendencies. Great reminder not to expect her to act fair and with the respect you'd think a spouse would give. And not to give up my legal rights and agree to things/fall into a sabotage trap. THANK YOU! Excellent advice that was much needed.

[Mack1]

Yeah I think I copied Wisedad’s post, reposted it after leaving my reply under the original.
Who can I blame?
Must be someone?
Wasn’t my fault?
That’s what the BPD’s automatically think, so I’ll do the same.

[WhatToDo47]

Yeah I think I copied Wisedad’s post, reposted it after leaving my reply under the original.
Who can I blame?
Must be someone?
Wasn’t my fault?
That’s what the BPD’s automatically think, so I’ll do the same.

hahahaha precisely. Blame the whole BPD family