How to support or proceed in this friendship?

[Jennica]

So I recently took an interest in friendship/attraction. They mentioned that they’re diagnosed with BPD and ADHD. We tend to bond over funny videos and talk about shallow stuff (sometimes they CAN be flirtatious), but I have a hard time talking about things that really needs more substance (opinions on things, or feelings) they don’t lash out or anything, but more on having trouble expressing how they feel, but at the same time I’m not sure if they’re not interested to talk deeper. I try to give it a space and if they don’t want to talk, but when I pull away they tend to come around and when I do, then they pull away. I have mentioned that I’d like to get to them more as a person but all they really said was they will eventually get comfortable. I know I’m not being impatient because it has been months and I don’t know anything about them other than shallow stuff that they tell people.

How can I deepen my friendship with them? There are times we bicker/flirt but I only enjoy the moment and I don’t think too much of it.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Cat Familiar]

People with BPD are often wary of deepening intimacy. They can be very engaging, as you’ve experienced, on a shallow level. So many of the accounts you will read here detail issues coming up when the interpersonal connection deepens, usually after a commitment of some sort.

There is a tremendous amount of shame and self loathing that comes with BPD and for that reason, people who have it prefer to keep their *real* selves hidden, until they feel they won’t be abandoned by their partners.

What about this person makes you want to know them better?

[once removed]

I have mentioned that I’d like to get to them more as a person but all they really said was they will eventually get comfortable.

the best way to deepen a relationship is not to push it, or to force it to be what we want it to be.

if a person has communicated their limits - or not responded to your efforts, its generally best to follow their pace.

[Jennica]

Thank you! I feel like they ask a lot about me but not revealing much about themselves which kinda makes it confusing for me because I like to communicate.

[Jennica]

I would like to get to know them better because I find them interesting and fun to talk to..on a shallow level but I’m the person who likes to connect and understand others. But it feels kind of one sided so I’m not sure how to go about it. I don’t want to force anything but it feels like hot and cold. Like they would be talkative and not responding for 2-3 days. I mean they can reply whenever but it gets confusing because my other friends communicates. Im not here to fix anything, but to make the bond deeper. Whenever they are ready to let me understand them (if that’s what they want)

[Notwendy]

 I’m the person who likes to connect and understand others.

Yes, but this is who you are. It may not be who they are- and they have indicated this.

I’m not sure if they’re not interested to talk deeper.

They have indicated this to you with their actions. They don't reciprocate your efforts to go deeper in the relationship. If they "come around" when you give them space- this is because they are more comfortable with that space.

Since you think deeply and want to understand, you hope/believe others want that too, but some people don't do much self examination, and if one doesn't do that, they can't share that part of themselves- they don't go there to share it.

This is a boundary - on their part. You wish to get past it, but boundaries are an essential part of who someone is. There is nothing wrong with you, or that person. You have different boundaries and because of this- this may not be a person who you will be able to go deeper with.

[Jennica]

You’re right. Thank you for letting me know this. I guess I was just confused on how to go about it. (Maybe I was also walking around eggshells because I’ve had a friend who had bpd but I blocked me) But it is their boundary and also few years younger than me. (Age may not always be the reason why) I will just let it be.