The ugly truth

[Eva.Flora]

Hello guys!

I'm back with another rant.
I think of all the outbreaks I've seen from my boyfriend, the one that happened this morning was definitely the worst.

The reaction to small frustrations is getting worse.
I thought that with the beginning of the treatment things would calm down a little, but that is not what has been happening.

This week he was very frustrated with some purchases he made online… one of them was canceled and one of the products he was going to buy ran out. This made him go back to saying: "I can't conquer anything in my life".

Yesterday he got frustrated with my mother-in-law saying no to his request.
And then hell began again.
This morning we had a trip scheduled to visit our parents in the countryside.
He didn't pack, he didn't get up and when I politely asked him to get ready, the outbreak started.

He kicked drawers, broke several objects, slammed the door… and then started crying with a lot of pain in one of his feet.

I tried to help him, told him to go to the doctor, but he refused. Now he's locked in a dark room crying a lot and said he won't get out of there.


I had to make up an excuse for my parents and say we're not leaving until tomorrow. Here in our country… tomorrow is Father's Day. Which makes the situation much worse.

He wouldn't go to my parents' house, but to his parents' house. And I would stay at my house to enjoy the special date.

I'm super nervous and I don't know what to do.

It became clear to me that this will never change, he will always be like this because he doesn't accept and can't understand that these attitudes only hurt.

I can't leave him alone here, the apartment is in my name… it's rented and I'm afraid he'll destroy it. I have nowhere else to go.

I'm devastated, because when this happens I understand the reality of everything and it hurts.
It hurts to know that I can't do anything for him, for his suffering.
And that it destroyed a relationship that was very special to me. That it had never been like this.

I'm venting because I don't know what to do, he doesn't want the parents to know… but I don't want to continue living together anymore. This all makes me so sick and I can't go on like this.

I really don't know what to do, I wish all this hadn't happened in my house. I feel very exposed.
And I don't know how to say that I don't want to live together anymore without causing a big meltdown. And expose myself even more.

I feel bad for always coming here with the same outbursts, but I really feel suffocated with all this.
Not being able to share with anyone, not even with his parents.

Thank you for always listening to me, venting helps to organize thoughts and move on.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Sappho11]

Sorry you have to go through this. Being with a man who effectively acts like a fragile child, yet has the physique of a man and thus the capability to wreak real, material havoc on your home... I've been there and I sympathise.

And you're right, it doesn't get better. It's only downhill from here – unless you get out.

Please be safe. Perhaps you can get someone to stay with you while you figure out how to get him out of the house. Or you could cancel the lease yourself and only tell him once you've moved out your things, for example? Just an idea.

There really are no good scenarios here. But better a horrible end than an endless horror.

[sam_the_wise]

I am in same position. She is been abusing me for about two months now because I expressed a desire to have my parents visit us every two three years in future. She got pissed because I had expressed while we were dating that I am so angry with them that I don’t want any connect which was true then. They are problematic people, and I understand that, in the moment when I expressed the desire I was just nostalgic and emotional, and I said what I said. She has picked on it for last two months and twisted it into this thing where I am a betrayer of her trust, I am all talk no action because I went back on my stance about how I angry I was with my parents, I am a deceiver, an actor, a liar and a manipulator, who lured her into a marriage with promise that there will not be any parental intrusion ( and in fact there is none, all I have done is expressed that one sentence when I was feeling bit lonely), I am also a weak person who chooses strong independent  women like her and cannot keep up with them, she even goes on to justify how my Ex who cheated on me and left me was right because I am a parent pleaser. Parent pleaser is a new term she has devised for me, because 1. I expressed that desire and 2. For some reason she is believing that I don’t participate in criticizing their problematic behavior. Plus I am an arrogant gas lighter and abuser for asking her to not shame and blame me for all the above things I didn’t do. I empathized with her time and again, telling her I understand that how shocking it must be for her to hear what I said. Assured her that I won’t do anything unilaterally to jeopardize her safety but all she has stuck to two months is how could I go back on my words, how could I just stop thinking about her safety, how could I become so selfish that I expressed the desire? That she cannot trust me and I am same if not worse than her previous partners who never betrayed her like I did.

 It is her birthday today, was preparing all day yesterday to give her surprise at midnight but she just went off the rails with this two month old rant of how I betrayed her and how selfish and arrogant person I am, and how she hates me. I had enough, I packed my bags and I went to sleep in the car, but I couldn’t stick to that I came back, because I was worried about her, and it was her birthday and abandoning her on her birthday seemed to cruel. She started again abusing me with all the above things right where she left when I came back. I did go back to the car and slept there till 3 am, when she came looking for me and asked me to come back home and apologized. I don’t want to leave her alone but I cannot let her abuse me. I deserve to be loved and respected and so do you.

[Eva.Flora]

Hey,

Thank you for your message.
It often feels like I'm the only one who goes through this, I feel so alone.

Unfortunately I can't cancel the contract and move, I need to tidy up the apartment before handing it over and there are so many expenses… now I can't afford it at the moment.

He's not working and all the finances are on me.

My idea is we would spend Father's Day at our parents' house and I would break up with him there. I would ask his parents to come get his things. This is the idea that seems the easiest to me.

Because at his parents' house he "controls" himself better.

Sorry you have to go through this. Being with a man who effectively acts like a fragile child, yet has the physique of a man and thus the capability to wreak real, material havoc on your home... I've been there and I sympathise.

And you're right, it doesn't get better. It's only downhill from here – unless you get out.

Please be safe. Perhaps you can get someone to stay with you while you figure out how to get him out of the house. Or you could cancel the lease yourself and only tell him once you've moved out your things, for example? Just an idea.

There really are no good scenarios here. But better a horrible end than an endless horror.

[Eva.Flora]

I know what it's like to feel the way you're feeling too.
How many times I apologized for things I said that weren't wrong. That I spoke without the intention of attacking and making someone suffer. How many times has he gotten out of control and said he broke something for something I had said, but deep down it was just who he really is.

I've been in this relationship for 7 years. He wasn't always like that, we had LOTS of joys… but now, after we decided to live together… he showed himself.

This is very sad, because we see that the person is not well… but reaching out to those who do not accept help is tiring.

I'm tired of always putting myself in second place to try to make it work.

We are not to blame for the attitudes of others. We need to understand that no matter how hard it is, each attitude has a consequence and the person needs to bear it.

It's not our fault.
And we deserve to be happy. So do they, but to be in a relationship… they need to understand each other first.

 

I am in same position. She is been abusing me for about two months now because I expressed a desire to have my parents visit us every two three years in future. She got pissed because I had expressed while we were dating that I am so angry with them that I don’t want any connect which was true then. They are problematic people, and I understand that, in the moment when I expressed the desire I was just nostalgic and emotional, and I said what I said. She has picked on it for last two months and twisted it into this thing where I am a betrayer of her trust, I am all talk no action because I went back on my stance about how I angry I was with my parents, I am a deceiver, an actor, a liar and a manipulator, who lured her into a marriage with promise that there will not be any parental intrusion ( and in fact there is none, all I have done is expressed that one sentence when I was feeling bit lonely), I am also a weak person who chooses strong independent  women like her and cannot keep up with them, she even goes on to justify how my Ex who cheated on me and left me was right because I am a parent pleaser. Parent pleaser is a new term she has devised for me, because 1. I expressed that desire and 2. For some reason she is believing that I don’t participate in criticizing their problematic behavior. Plus I am an arrogant gas lighter and abuser for asking her to not shame and blame me for all the above things I didn’t do. I empathized with her time and again, telling her I understand that how shocking it must be for her to hear what I said. Assured her that I won’t do anything unilaterally to jeopardize her safety but all she has stuck to two months is how could I go back on my words, how could I just stop thinking about her safety, how could I become so selfish that I expressed the desire? That she cannot trust me and I am same if not worse than her previous partners who never betrayed her like I did.

 It is her birthday today, was preparing all day yesterday to give her surprise at midnight but she just went off the rails with this two month old rant of how I betrayed her and how selfish and arrogant person I am, and how she hates me. I had enough, I packed my bags and I went to sleep in the car, but I couldn’t stick to that I came back, because I was worried about her, and it was her birthday and abandoning her on her birthday seemed to cruel. She started again abusing me with all the above things right where she left when I came back. I did go back to the car and slept there till 3 am, when she came looking for me and asked me to come back home and apologized. I don’t want to leave her alone but I cannot let her abuse me. I deserve to be loved and respected and so do you.