Age recommendation fight

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

It doesn't mean you did anything wrong. Asking for forgiveness might have been you asking that this issue could not continue to be a problem between the two of you.

Interesting, I like that. Maybe "I'll talk to God about this" often would soothe her feelings too and work as a boundary even? And I'm not totally opposed to "talking to God" either, if I can be honest with him/her/it. I liked your wording here: "this issue could not continue to be a problem between the two of you". It would really be an honest, vulnerable approach by me.

Tell her, the god said to you she should be fine from now on, you felt it in your body and clensed you from impurities. 

, this could have a positive effect. She wouldn't take it seriously if I told her I directly communicated with God, but the "I felt it in my body" part could actually have a positive effect. I surely don't believe that I can sense God in my body, but I believe that prayer can have an effect on you personally and be a vulnerable thing to do. I don't know, maybe even praying for someone can have an effect on that person. Not in a fantasy kind of way, but for some psychological reason. And maybe that is what God is, or it can be for me anyway!

[15years]

It doesn't mean you did anything wrong. Asking for forgiveness might have been you asking that this issue could not continue to be a problem between the two of you.

Interesting, I like that. Maybe "I'll talk to God about this" often would soothe her feelings too and work as a boundary even? And I'm not totally opposed to "talking to God" either, if I can be honest with him/her/it. I liked your wording here: "this issue could not continue to be a problem between the two of you". It would really be an honest, vulnerable approach by me.

Tell her, the god said to you she should be fine from now on, you felt it in your body and clensed you from impurities. 

, this could have a positive effect. She wouldn't take it seriously if I told her I directly communicated with God, but the "I felt it in my body" part could actually have a positive effect. I surely don't believe that I can sense God in my body, but I believe that prayer can have an effect on you personally and be a vulnerable thing to do. I don't know, maybe even praying for someone can have an effect on that person. Not in a fantasy kind of way, but for some psychological reason. And maybe that is what God is, or it can be for me anyway!

[15years]

Update regarding the age recommendations.

She told me a while ago: "I'm not sure what to think about the age limits with lego anymore..." and implied that she may have been wrong. I didn't respond much. Maybe this is proof that this was just a phase. I'm thinking about suggesting that with lego we could allow our kids to be one year ahead if they seem to meet that skill level, meaning they can have 7+ when they're 6 etc. Or should I only carefully suggest that we pay attention to our sons skill levels instead and let her make her own conclusions?

[kells76]

This seems really important for you to notice.

In one moment, she can seem absolutely committed to a hard fact about child raising.

Give it a few weeks, and she's backpedalling on it.

She told me a while ago: "I'm not sure what to think about the age limits with lego anymore..." and implied that she may have been wrong. I didn't respond much.

Not responding seems like the best response, nice job!  Have you tracked with any of member thankful person's threads over on Bettering? She has chosen to, instead of JADE with her partner's intense assertions, acknowledge the assertions by saying "mmh hmm" and leave it there. Acknowledgement of the outburst without engagement with the content of the outburst has worked well in their situation to defuse many conflicts.

I'm thinking about suggesting that with lego we could allow our kids to be one year ahead if they seem to meet that skill level, meaning they can have 7+ when they're 6 etc. Or should I only carefully suggest that we pay attention to our sons skill levels instead and let her make her own conclusions?

That seems like more re-engagement or re-animation of a topic that might be best laid to rest.

What do you think would happen if you just let the kids play with whatever legos they wanted (within reason), and didn't re-open the door to that conflict with your W?

Also, do you think your W is going to bring up the topic again, now that she has "implied she may have been wrong"? If you think she might, you could consider not raising the topic yourself, but waiting to see if she brings it up again, and only then engaging a bit about it. You unearthing a topic that she might have "closed the door" on (by hinting she was wrong) might just create a conflict again.

She is probably not skilled enough to say directly "you know, babe, I've been thinking, and I was wrong about telling the kids to only play with certain age ranges of Legos. Moving forward, it's all good". If she had said that, I wonder if the conflict would feel more resolved, like there was nothing else there to talk about or figure out?

But she doesn't have that skill set, so you may need to try treating her "hint" of "I'm not sure what to think about the age limits with lego anymore..." as the best and most skilled way she has to say she was wrong.

I don't know her at all like you do, though, so you can think about if this seems to fit.

Anyway, my short version is -- gut feeling is telling me to see how things go "just moving forward" and not trying to rehash the Lego stuff with her. Just letting the kids play with whatever (again, within reason -- no choking hazards or expensive sets  ) and not trying to "get agreement" or "make sure it's clear" etc.

Thoughts?

[Turkish]

Anyway, my short version is -- gut feeling is telling me to see how things go "just moving forward" and not trying to rehash the Lego stuff with her. Just letting the kids play with whatever (again, within reason -- no choking hazards or expensive sets  ) and not trying to "get agreement" or "make sure it's clear" etc.

Agree with this. How you parent in your home is none of her business. It's not mean not to volunteer information either.

[15years]

I remember that mmm hmm response actually, and I have had that in mind when communicating with W. Nodding has become my go to but it can feel a little too validating sometimes when she is being unreasonable. Nod + excusing myself and doing something else would be better but it can be hard to exit smoothly.


Good point about ignoring the old argument instead on "making sure it's clear". Easy to think that we have to be clear on things when it might only make things worse to re-engage.

So with christmas slowly approaching I'm thinking of suggesting we buy a certain lego set my son has been obsessing over that is 7+. For that to happen I have to bring up the subject indirectly at least. And she might get mad if I act as if the conversation about age recommendations never took place.

How do I best do this?

Letting the kids play with whatever they want is not a problem, but bringing in new "big boy lego" could be triggering, except she might be passed that now as she has gotten used to the thought and prosessed it.

Turkish, we're still married and living together so I think I have to consider her in my parenting to some degree

[Notwendy]

You still have time before Christmas shopping but I agree that something he really wants might sell out so don't wait too long.

At some point you two will be discussing what the kids want for Christmas. Just casually say " He has been asking about this Lego set- what do you think?". She will either say OK or not, there's your cue. If she says OK and then has an issue with the age range, then she already OK'd it. I'd leave the choice to her.

[15years]

So I shouldn't pick a fight over this if she insists we follow the age recommendations?


Speaking of Lego, how do you make the kids keep their rooms tidy and not have Lego all over the floor? What is an appropriate consequence if they don't? This is something that seem to bother me more than W, I have a hard time making S6 clean up in his room, but I know he follows the rules at day care. Roughly translated he told us teasingly once that "I'm a good boy at day care but not at home" Mostly it ends up with me or W picking up the legos. S6 forgets and starts playing instead.

[Notwendy]

There's the idea of "picking your battles". You two have enough to argue over. How much do you want to fight this? He's 6. He doesn't need to have the Lego.

Chores need to be age appropriate. It might be that he can pick up 10 toys before his attention span is done. But a whole lot of Leggo pieces all over could be too much for a 6 year old. It's better to keep one whole toy set in each in a plastic container and not have all of them accessible at once- or you will end up with a mess of Leggos all over. If he can't manage them, give him what he can manage.

Kids generally behave better at school/day care than at home. Think of the difference between work and home for you. At work, you are more formal, at home, you kick back. It's the same with kids for school/home.

The goal of having a 6 year old pick up toys is to begin to teach them how to do this. It's not about getting it all done well or by themselves. It might be he can pick up his toy trucks while you are there picking up Leggos together. Sending him to his room to do it all by himself may be beyond his maturity level but he will be able to do more as he gets older.

[Riv3rW0lf]

So I shouldn't pick a fight over this if she insists we follow the age recommendations?


Speaking of Lego, how do you make the kids keep their rooms tidy and not have Lego all over the floor? What is an appropriate consequence if they don't? This is something that seem to bother me more than W, I have a hard time making S6 clean up in his room, but I know he follows the rules at day care. Roughly translated he told us teasingly once that "I'm a good boy at day care but not at home" Mostly it ends up with me or W picking up the legos. S6 forgets and starts playing instead.

Only you know if the fight is worth it. I agree with "picking our battles", this holds true when it comes to parenting, BPD or not. Some battles (like my husband always putting our young kids in front of the TV for hours are absolutely worth picking for me, and I will pick them every time until it stops. Others, like my husband not filling the dishwasher "properly" and letting his dirty socks everywhere are not worth fighting... I will start sewing the little fu*ckers together soon tough ! The question is : is being able to give your son the Legos he is amazed by right now worth the battle for you? Knowing it is very hard to win with BPD...

 Also you can have them play on a bed sheet and simply pull all the corners at the end of the play time to make it a nice bundle and either keep them in the folded bed sheet or "pour" them into a bin.

He could help you with that task until he is able to do it by himself.