Suggestions

[Anonymous22]

I am in need of advise.  My husband just got home from being out of town for the weekend.  When he got home, he barely even said "hi" to any of the kids or myself.  He came in, said "hi" under his breath and then unpacked (doing his laundry from his trip), ate something, changed the light bulbs in the basement (something he has talked about doing for a little bit now) and sat down on the couch away from everyone else to watch "his" tv show.  I went over and asked if I could sit with him.  He told me if I wanted to then I could.  After a couple of minutes our son asked to lay with him, so he went to a different couch to do so.  Later our daughter tried to get his attention and he did play with her a little.  He said nothing to either of the other 2 kids and nothing to me...mind you the night before he was very chatty and joking around on our facetime call.  Outside of a rare moment lately, he has been very stand offish.  We had a big fight about 2 weeks ago.  While I would say that things have changed since then, I think that has added to the stress, but I don't think that that has really intensified things.  He rarely responds to any caring texts that I send him, though he will respond with scheduling texts.  He went and "looked at" several apartment complexes, then left the brochures sitting out on his desk...something in me says this is a tactic to scare me, that he doesn't actually want to move out.  I feel like I walk on eggshells all of the time.  I am trying to just do me, but it is really hard!  I don't want him to move out, etc.  I don't think he does either, but now a days I never feel like I know what is going through his head.  I wish we could sit down and have actual conversations about what is going on in all of our and the kids lives, finances, schedules, etc. but I feel like we barely even say "hi" to each other most weeks.  Usually the weekends are better, since I don't have to leave to go to work, which he always takes as a threat.  I do most everything for the kids, most everything for the house, he goes to the gym several times a week and does errands without kids but I can't even get a moment without the kids to go to the dentist every 6 months, etc.  I tell him that I love him every day...I would say about 25% of the time he says it in return...it all depends on his mood.  All I know to do is keep moving forward and focus on something other than his crap, but I am finding that really hard!  Any suggestions on how to do that?   

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Cat Familiar]

What was the fight about?

[Anonymous22]

He had just gotten back from being out of town.  It covered all of his usual topics...that I cheat on him left and right, that I am a bad mom, etc.  I fell for his words and got into the fight saying things that I didn't mean to say.  He says that I threatened him, when I did say that if he files for a divorce that I will fight with all of my might for full custody of the kids, etc (I have my actual words on video).  I called his mom looking for advice, which just made things worse and escalated.  I know not to respond to his out bursts, but every once in a while I get sucked in.  I don't know if it is me wanting connection so I want him to understand me, or what! 

[Cat Familiar]

Sad to say, that he is not interested or open to understanding you. If you take that as a given, then by no longer seeking for him to do that, you may become *more interesting* to him, perhaps mysterious, and he may be intrigued.

When someone with BPD is dysregulated, JADEing accomplishes nothing, though we might still want to try, given human nature, and the fact that Justifying, Arguing, Defending, Explaining can actually lead to productive conversations occasionally with non-dysfunctional people.

[Anonymous22]

How do I do that?  Do I just not respond to his outbursts?

[Cat Familiar]

Really there’s no point in being an audience for his outbursts. When things start going sideways, you can take a break, saying something like “I’m too uncomfortable right now. I’ll be back in half an hour.”

What you don’t want to say is “you’re too upset” but rather talk about your feelings. “I can’t talk about this right now, I’m not at my best.”

Giving a time when you will return is helpful. That way he knows you will be back and a half hour is about the minimum for the amygdala to return to calm, should he try and let go of his anger.

If he’s still upset when you return, then leave again.

I have all sorts of excuses that I can employ: got to feed the animals, take the laundry out of the dryer, turn off water in the garden, look for something I misplaced, take a shower, etc.

It serves no positive purpose for you to listen to unkind words or for him to vent at you. What people with BPD need to learn is self-soothing skills, and that is only accomplished by themselves. You cannot fix things for him emotionally.

[Anonymous22]

Thank you!