Making progress, I think.

[Adventurer006]

Hi,
I haven’t posted in a while and wanted to check in.   This community was a huge support for me a few years ago in 2020.  My wife had left and went on a rage on me for about 4-5 months trying to make my life hell and filing for divorce.   The whole situation was extremely confusing and things didn’t make much sense, until I found out about BPD and found this community.  With advice and support I received here, I was able to handle the situation much better.  I was able get my wife back to a place where we could communicate and got things worked out.  I have also since been able to handle conflicts much better due to what I learned through this experience.  Most of the time our relationship is pretty good.  Unfortunately she does still periodically rage out on me and insult. It’s essentially emotional abuse I believe.  She will come out of it and say she doesn’t mean the stuff and she doesn’t know what she’s saying when she is like that.  I try to continue to encourage to get help.  She has been through 3 counselors, a psych np, and is now back at a psychologist that was the first person she went to after we were able to work things out.  She has started off very positive with each them saying how much she likes them, then eventually it turns to they aren’t doing anything and not helping her.  She has also tried about 4 different meds and ends up stopping those too.  It’s very frustrating but I try to continue being patient and supportive.  It seems her providers are generally going with bipolar disorder.   I have talked with her about BPD and it resonates with her.   We just haven’t been able to make much progress in any type of treatment.   Currently things are intact, but stressed.  It’s been 3 years of hoping for some help, and / or that the cycles of emotional abuse stop.  I care about her and we have 3 children that I am trying to do the best for.  Our main argument trigger has basically always been her family. I feel they are very toxic and feel they have had a large influence on splitting our relationship several times over the past 16 years.   I’ve basically had it with them. I don’t trust them and try to limit our exposure to then as much as possible. This unfortunately seems to be a trigger for her and begins these rages.  I’m currently continuing to hold to my truth, being patient, and offering my support where I can.  This life is very difficult and taxing to navigate, but this community and site have been great supports.  These are wild situations we can be in.  I am hoping and praying for more normalcy at some point.   Thank you for listening.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[thankful person]

Hi adventurer, welcome back, it sounds like you have made lots of progress. I joined here early 2021 and I’m forever grateful to this community. My story is similar to yours in some ways but my dbpd wife was already done with therapy around the time we just got together, so I’m having to navigate without that tool or any admittance from her that she has any responsibility for our problems. Things were amazing for over a year once I learnt all the methods and got advice on here. I was constantly on here telling people there was hope. Even through my wife’s third pregnancy and for a few weeks after baby was born last October, it was like my wife had become more calm and reasonable in response to the changes in my behaviour.. It’s pretty much been hell since then though.. My wife doesn’t shout and shriek nearly as much as she used to and the children are far less involved and affected. But it has been a constant struggle for me. I really hope we can come through this.

[PearlsBefore]

It's frowned upon in the 2020s since it's a benzo and can lead to addiction issues, but honestly Alprazolam is the only drug I've ever seen work - and we tried a few of the other "BPD meds" without success (or worse).

She may not recognise if she's developing an addiction though, so it's one more thing on which you need to keep an eye.

[Adventurer006]

Yes, after our third child is when things really took a turn in our life as well.  Toward the end of the pregnancy is when things kind of changed.  I am glad to hear the kids aren’t being as effected.  That is something I try to focus on as well and it can be challenging.  I could actually use more strategies on that.  Identifying triggers is challenging as well.  I think at this point I’ve got to try and focus on regenerating my health a bit.  There has been a high frequency of what she calls “lash outs” over the past few months, and they seem to be lasting longer each time.  I’m trying to figure out how to break this cycle.   It’s about an every week to 2 week occurrence since fall.  She also seems to be getting more vicious with each one.  I’m wondering if I had triggered some abandonment fears somehow, as I do feel a bit fatigued from supporting the daily crises and haven’t been as patient or interested.   The abuse is taking a toll, and I’m getting pretty confused about what’s a real problem, and what she is saying just to try and hurt me.  She outwardly admits she wants to punish me and make me feel how she feels.