Tired of not being able to say "no"

[Bella2798]

After the last breakup we had, I've been thinking more about myself and my behavior.I talked with my friend (more of a sister in this case for me) and also with dear Notwendy and Thankfulperson, who helped me a lot with their wisdom, and I've realized I've been behaving passive-aggressively all these times.

I still do not know exactly when I should behave firmly and when I have to be flexible, and I guess this is a bit because of the nature of BPD. But I guess I have to learn more, as I lack many skills too.

Right now I'm struggling with "what I want." I've learned to ignore my needs and give them up for my partner's. And we're both tired of me being a people pleaser (in this case, a partner-pleaser ). This affects us in different ways, and makes me frustrated.
I'm trying to learn how to say no, and how to reject a request that I can't accept/afford and it's a difficult journey. But I know this is something that must be done.

Maybe this post is just a reminder to myself to not quit the path I started whenever it was frightening, but I would definitely be happy to hear all the experiences/vents/stories.  

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Trying123]

I’ve been a partner pleaser as well and it’s something I’ve started working on. I’ve recently realized that I was much more focused on his feelings and manipulating the situation for his feelings than on how I was feeling.

I am in the middle of reading codependent no more and it has been a huge help! I’m now paying more attention to how I feel, what I need and want, and what I like or don’t like. Based on that, I then ask for things or set boundaries. No need for yelling, begging, pleading, or guilt.

[Bella2798]

I’ve been a partner pleaser as well and it’s something I’ve started working on. I’ve recently realized that I was much more focused on his feelings and manipulating the situation for his feelings than on how I was feeling.

I am in the middle of reading codependent no more and it has been a huge help! I’m now paying more attention to how I feel, what I need and want, and what I like or don’t like. Based on that, I then ask for things or set boundaries. No need for yelling, begging, pleading, or guilt.

that I was much more focused on his feelings and manipulating the situation for his feelings than on how I was feeling.

This is totally where I'm standing now.
Thanks for sharing it with me.

Also I feel a lot of guilt when I'm asking something for myself or speak for what I want too. It feels selfish to me but I know this has to change!

By the way, is this the book you mentioned?
https://www.amazon.com/Codependent-No-More-Controlling-Yourself/dp/0894864025
Because I would be so happy if I can find useful resources as I can't afford therapy now 

[Trying123]

That is the correct book! It’s been a very eye opening read. I too feel guilty for asking for things for myself. I also get nervous about asking for something that upsets my husband and starts a fight. So many times after an argument I wish that I hadn’t just said or done what I did. However, looking back on it, things that I say or do are generally justifiable and wouldn’t cause the same amount of anger in a “normal” relationship.

[thankful person]

I could probably benefit from that book as well to be honest… I started out my journey to being stronger and standing up for myself, by doing things my wife had “forbidden”. Slowly but surely and not without some drama, she got used to the new me. It was silly really because my personality has always been rebellious and anti-establishment. I don’t know why I so easily do whatever I’m told in romantic relationships. I learnt to revel in the rebellion of breaking her rules. For example, my heart would be racing and my body would be pumped full of adrenaline when picking up my phone to video call my mother without asking my wife’s permission. These days I don’t feel scared of that anymore. So some things have been easier where they just involve me rather than directly affecting her. It has seemed to epitomise the saying that “no one can make you feel inferior without your consent”. I found that the more I asserted myself, the more my wife started to respect me. Actually saying “no” to her is still hard though and that’s why I’d like to get the book too.

[Notwendy]

I think there's a tendency for people to not see themselves as co-dependent due to their being the perceived independent person in the relationship but if it's the partner who is dependent, then they are their "partner in dysfunction" their co- dysfunctional partner- ie co-dependent.

This was true for my father. He was the wage earner, and it's my BPD mother who has the most overtly disordered behavior. I thought she was the problem. I can see now that my father was co-dependent, but co-dependency was our "normal" growing up. He role modeled it and it was also expected of us- to be co-dependent with BPD mother. So when a counselor suggested I was co-dependent, I didn't understand what she was saying at first. I am not a "dependent" personality. But I went to the 12 step meeting she suggested and they were an eye opener.

Saying "no" to my BPD mother is the scariest thing ever- we were not allowed to say no to her. We had to do what she told us to. Dad didn't ever say "no" to her. The result is, she expects to have her way, get what she wants. Why should she think any differently? We enabled it but we didn't know what else to do.

The reason behind our feeling we can't say "no" isn't the other person. It's about us and so we can changed that. However, we need to be able to manage their response to that. As long as it's not a danger to say "no"- if it's physically abusive, the relationship is a bigger issue than to not say no, but if the other person is going to emotionally act out- that is their issue, we can't change that. But if we say "yes" when we mean "no" to avoid their being angry at us, we are not being authentic, we are managing our own feelings of fear by saying "yes". That is co-dependent behavior. Change requires our ability to manage our uncomfortable feeling when someone is upset or disappointed with our saying "no".

It's not easy to change this and it's more practice than perfection. We may default to our more comfortable pattern at times, but with practice, we can get better at it. It's hard to feel like the "bad person" at these times but if we think of enabling as not being in someone's best interest, it's a bit easier to not enable them.

I think the book is great but it also helped to have the support of the 12 step group and sponsors.

[PineapplePenguin]

This is something I really struggle with. I don't care about my needs right now (which I know deep down is wrong), I just care about the needs of my fiancèe with BPD. I struggle to say no, because I know the outburst it can cause and find myself feeling so guilty when I do say no and it happens. I feel like I'm causing so much pain by not giving her the things she wants but I know I need to learn that it's okay for me to take care of myself too. That's why I've joined this support group. There aren't any groups local to me but was recommended this forum.

[Cat Familiar]

Being able to say “No” as a complete sentence without explanation is very freeing. Chances are your BPD partner can easily do this. Why shouldn’t you too have that ability?

The dynamic that gets set up in these relationships is one of us chasing after therm for affirmation, positive regard.

What would happen if you could fulfill this need by yourself?

People with BPD can love you one minute, then flip the switch and hate you the next moment.

Why give them the power to make you feel bad about yourself?

Behave morally, ethically, show kindness, and forget about trying to make them approve of you at all times. They won’t. No matter what you do.

[SinisterComplex]

Being able to say “No” as a complete sentence without explanation is very freeing. Chances are your BPD partner can easily do this. Why shouldn’t you too have that ability?

The dynamic that gets set up in these relationships is one of us chasing after therm for affirmation, positive regard.

What would happen if you could fulfill this need by yourself?

People with BPD can love you one minute, then flip the switch and hate you the next moment.

Why give them the power to make you feel bad about yourself?

Behave morally, ethically, show kindness, and forget about trying to make them approve of you at all times. They won’t. No matter what you do.

I will echo my comrade's words here in a sense, but focus more on the point that you always have to do YOU. You have to not allow your emotions to be dictated by your partner. In essence, practicing being firm and indifferent is the way to go. The indifference is more the necessity to make the relationship work. It is not a guarantee cure-all, but focusing more on yourself and centering yourself will allow you to not be affected as much by the inevitable emotional pinball that your partner will play.

Get more comfortable developing a relationship with YOU and do not be afraid to always be YOU and choose YOU.

Cheers and Best Wishes!

-SC-