our loved ones are highly needy - pathologically needy - people, with limited coping skills, limited skills at getting needs met, and, generally speaking, dysfunctional ways of getting them met.
its really one of the first things to know, in order to go into these relationships with eyes wide open.
its a relationship that, generally speaking, wont be "fair", and support may be limited (its important to have a strong support system outside of the relationship for this reason).
what is one thing our loved ones tend to need? a lot of reassurance and validation. tons of it. consistently. the role of emotional caretaker requires that we be the emotional leader, and "rock" of the relationship.
thats pretty challenging, if not impossible, to do right now, i know. its very much a "put your own oxygen mask on first" situation.
i think my point is that it may not be realistic to expect support from him in that regard right now, because he cant see beyond his fears, and his own needs. when he says that the absence of you represents his world ending, at least in terms of his feelings, hes not exaggerating.
there are certainly ways to build and grow trust, and an environment where our relationships can thrive, but none of that means there A: wont be plenty of storms or B: that we can love or reassure them enough to assuage their fears.
Hello, once removed, it's been a while. I looked for your posts because your posts so often resonate with me in navigating life with a BPD partner. I'm still married to my uBPDh and don't foresee any other action at this time. Meaning, there are always options, but I am choosing, and have chosen, to stay for the foreseeable future.
I am writing because this particular post nails it for me. Also, many of your other recent posts, such as the one where you speak of JADEing and the related workshop, resonate strongly with me.
Where I am today:
Not desperately seeking a diagnosis for him. He's out of touch, unwilling to look that way, rife with accusations that our problems are as much due to me as to him. I'm not easy to live with, I know that; and I do not meet his needs, not even close, which is a constant theme. That, and abandonment. (As for "diagnosis," he strongly meets 7 of 9 of the criteria in the article I just read on this site, so I'm sold. I have nearly 27 years experience with this person.)
I'm trying to learn lots of things. How to accept that, at 61 years old, life is changing, and to find new ways of living and purpose/meaning in that: my physical health, kids leaving the nest, senior person at my FT work with most 1/2 my age, etc. -- you name it, midlife themes. As far as the marriage, I'm simultaneously trying to be aware of my feelings and needs and to take actions that seem reasonably self-affirming, even in the face of, and over, his objections, which I know are abandonment fear-driven.
Case in point: A group of female friends (mothers of our youngest kids, same grade in school and sports teammates - I mention this b/c we have a strong bond from all that time spent and b/c of the whole mom ethos - we are close, laugh at lot, and can be honest with each other - something I NEED, aka "strong support system")... planned this trip to Las Vegas. Long weekend in November. After much deliberation, I decided to go. The main reason I wouldn't have gone was to avoid his disappointment/lack of support/disapproval. So I booked my flight and walked through that short-term discomfort. Major objection was financial (LOL: see previous posts).
Even the simple act of attending a high school football game last night with our youngest child, 20, a former player - at his invitation to us both, which wasn't lost on me - was a cause for negativity from my uBPDh. But it was a lovely evening. I love football. The season is about 1/2 over. I could see nothing, other than my uBPDh's perceived abandonment/lack of support, to prohibit my going. So I went, alone. (He admittedly had a lot on his plate this weekend.) I had fun. Another "wall of fire" to walk through--his disapproval.
That's one thing I am doing now. Trying to face the fear [of him, his often brutal verbal lashings, the sadness that comes with the emotional hangover of an unhappy BPD partner]. Trying to replace that with compassion.
But if I'm short on anything, it's the compassion. I try.* The reality is, I don't much enjoy his company. He has just, as of last week, stopped drinking again--so I know he's going through a lot. I don't get to hear his inner struggles, because I'm not "safe" for him to share with. (Go figure! I'm disappointed, but partly get it. His actions routinely piss me off and confound me, so no wonder I'm not his go-to confidante!)
Just checking in. Glad to see the board is alive & well. Doing the best I can to balance priorities, but admittedly slanting them a bit more toward myself these days. If I'm honest, I know my uBPDh needs affirmation/validation/affection/attention, but I almost feel like I need to flex my self-care muscle a bit and get that stronger before I can do a hill o' beans good to him in those other ways. When I bypass the self-care, I know I'm back into that mode of doing but not wanting to, aka, codependent care-taking.
Cheers.
*What is "trying?" Listening to work stories which bore me intensely. Going on walks (enjoyable) when I know he's going to rant most of the time, often about our kids (not enjoyable). Physical intimacy (where we have major differences in "drive"). Going on trips to provide companionship (enjoyable, mostly). Working on home projects (enjoyable, mostly). Providing support in myriad ways (bringing him coffee in the morning sometimes, making him a dish to pass for a ministry event, etc.). Being kind and inclusive to his parents (mostly enjoyable, but wonder if they caused him to be BPD?). Praying for him. Asking God to help me love him. Going into the hot tub (not my thing; his, and I go reluctantly if I'm honest. Call me weird. Most people love those things!)
