Feeling like the slowly boiling frog

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

My husband with BPD has been generally doing better lately, with small but good changes and he seems to be making an honest effort. It almost convinced me that we were on the right track...until this weekend. This weekend was my birthday, and even though he woke up with an ear infection and I told him we could stay home, he was adamant that he wanted to go out and let me have a good day. He felt really bad after we got home, and we went to urgent care, and things were okay until the drive home, when he asked if he could smoke marijuana for the pain. The marijuana use has been a point of contention in our relationship, because when he uses it he totally numbs out and it's like he's not even there (that or he's super disinhibited and saying very frustrating things), and then when he decides to stop it his withdrawal is terrible, and he has been extremely angry and irritable with stopping, with throwing things, shouting, the works. Not to mention how much money this all costs, since he never does anything in moderation. The last time he used and got really sick I told him that if he ever used it again I'd leave him. He made good on that promise, and when he asked this weekend I was shocked and upset, and just flat out said "no way". Then he just started sulking, making comments about how he's in pain and he feels helpless, and I told him he could make the decision to use it if he wanted. He did say that he didn't want to disappoint me and he would only use it until the ear pain resolved, and I said it was fine (against my better judgment). So I went out and ran some errands, and when I came home the front door was open, which made me panic because we have a dog, but my dog was luckily just sitting on the couch. I thought maybe the door blew open so I didn't think anything of it, and then I went to check on him and he was just nowhere to be found. I started panicking but then luckily I got a call from him, saying that he was at the hospital because he freaked out after using the marijuana. It sounded like he became psychotic, like he was telling people that he was dying and he needed chest compressions, but when they were trying to help him he thought they were going to hurt him instead. He broke the screen in our bathroom by punching it open because he thought he was dying, and he was trying to climb out. I guess some of our neighbors came over to help him too. He was medically cleared from the emergency department and they said it was just from the weed, and told him he should never use it again. He did agree, and now he is extremely embarrassed, which is understandable. The part that is hard, is that this happened once before when he used marijuana when he was very sick, but I was home and able to manage the situation so no one knew but the EMS workers who took him to the hospital. I told him the marijuana did it but he was convinced that it was due to bumping his head, which I don't even think happened. The difference this time was I wasn't there, and was completely oblivious to any of this happening. In a way, and I feel really guilty even saying this, I feel kind of relieved that it wasn't on me to manage this situation, because it was so incredibly traumatic the last time this happened. He was screaming, kicking things, spouting nonsense, he kicked and punched the bookshelf until it broke. The EMS workers looked at me with a lot of judgment that time too, like we were drug addicts (I don't do anything at all except an occasional beer), and they asked if I needed to go to a DV shelter. At least this way, he got to experience the consequences on his own with no one there to clean it up for him, and even though I'm sure it was very embarassing and traumatic for him, I think this almost needed to happen so he can see how his consequences affect things. I told him I can talk with the neighbors to try to smooth things over, that's not a big deal to me. I'm just thankful he's okay, and I'm thankful that my dog is safe. I think the part that is disturbing to me through this, is how calm I've been. reason I’m not feeling particularly sad, angry or frustrated by it all. And after thinking about it I think it’s because I’ve come to expect things to go like this. It feels like being the frog slowly boiled. I feel like I should be shocked, upset, even furious about this situation, but it’s like, oh, right of course this happened. Why did I think it would turn out any different. And that’s not good. I feel some guilt and responsibility for what happened. I feel like I did enable this, and if I feel angry about anything, it’s that. I want to feel like I’m growing but things like this make me feel disappointed in myself. I expect this from my husband but I don’t expect this from me. I guess the good thing that came out of this is that he got to fully realize and experience the consequences of his actions and has no choice but to see what bad decision making does when I’m not there to clean it up for him. I’ve decided that I’m going to give things until the 1 year anniversary of this realization about my husband, which will be December 27th. I need that time to really see if anything changes the behaviors. I have my doubts after this weekend. But I think for me, I really need to feel like I gave it a good shot. After that date if things feel as miserable as they currently do, I need to think about divorce. I just really needed to get this out, because I have literally no one to talk to about this situation. I will talk with my therapist this weekend, but otherwise I have no outlet and it makes me feel so alone and isolated. I love my husband, there's a good person underneath all of this, and I feel genuinely bad that this happened. But I'm just so tired. It was hard to get up this morning, I was late to work. It just seems like I can't ever get ahead. My house is a mess again, I'm trying to make plans with people so I can take care of myself, but I always feel so weighted down. Anyways if you read this, thanks for listening. Now that I've written out, I just feel sad.

[thepixies21]

My husband with BPD has been generally doing better lately, with small but good changes and he seems to be making an honest effort. It almost convinced me that we were on the right track...until this weekend. This weekend was my birthday, and even though he woke up with an ear infection and I told him we could stay home, he was adamant that he wanted to go out and let me have a good day. He felt really bad after we got home, and we went to urgent care, and things were okay until the drive home, when he asked if he could smoke marijuana for the pain. The marijuana use has been a point of contention in our relationship, because when he uses it he totally numbs out and it's like he's not even there (that or he's super disinhibited and saying very frustrating things), and then when he decides to stop it his withdrawal is terrible, and he has been extremely angry and irritable with stopping, with throwing things, shouting, the works. Not to mention how much money this all costs, since he never does anything in moderation. The last time he used and got really sick I told him that if he ever used it again I'd leave him. He made good on that promise, and when he asked this weekend I was shocked and upset, and just flat out said "no way". Then he just started sulking, making comments about how he's in pain and he feels helpless, and I told him he could make the decision to use it if he wanted. He did say that he didn't want to disappoint me and he would only use it until the ear pain resolved, and I said it was fine (against my better judgment). So I went out and ran some errands, and when I came home the front door was open, which made me panic because we have a dog, but my dog was luckily just sitting on the couch. I thought maybe the door blew open so I didn't think anything of it, and then I went to check on him and he was just nowhere to be found. I started panicking but then luckily I got a call from him, saying that he was at the hospital because he freaked out after using the marijuana. It sounded like he became psychotic, like he was telling people that he was dying and he needed chest compressions, but when they were trying to help him he thought they were going to hurt him instead. He broke the screen in our bathroom by punching it open because he thought he was dying, and he was trying to climb out. I guess some of our neighbors came over to help him too. He was medically cleared from the emergency department and they said it was just from the weed, and told him he should never use it again. He did agree, and now he is extremely embarrassed, which is understandable. The part that is hard, is that this happened once before when he used marijuana when he was very sick, but I was home and able to manage the situation so no one knew but the EMS workers who took him to the hospital. I told him the marijuana did it but he was convinced that it was due to bumping his head, which I don't even think happened. The difference this time was I wasn't there, and was completely oblivious to any of this happening. In a way, and I feel really guilty even saying this, I feel kind of relieved that it wasn't on me to manage this situation, because it was so incredibly traumatic the last time this happened. He was screaming, kicking things, spouting nonsense, he kicked and punched the bookshelf until it broke. The EMS workers looked at me with a lot of judgment that time too, like we were drug addicts (I don't do anything at all except an occasional beer), and they asked if I needed to go to a DV shelter. At least this way, he got to experience the consequences on his own with no one there to clean it up for him, and even though I'm sure it was very embarassing and traumatic for him, I think this almost needed to happen so he can see how his consequences affect things. I told him I can talk with the neighbors to try to smooth things over, that's not a big deal to me. I'm just thankful he's okay, and I'm thankful that my dog is safe. I think the part that is disturbing to me through this, is how calm I've been. reason I’m not feeling particularly sad, angry or frustrated by it all. And after thinking about it I think it’s because I’ve come to expect things to go like this. It feels like being the frog slowly boiled. I feel like I should be shocked, upset, even furious about this situation, but it’s like, oh, right of course this happened. Why did I think it would turn out any different. And that’s not good. I feel some guilt and responsibility for what happened. I feel like I did enable this, and if I feel angry about anything, it’s that. I want to feel like I’m growing but things like this make me feel disappointed in myself. I expect this from my husband but I don’t expect this from me. I guess the good thing that came out of this is that he got to fully realize and experience the consequences of his actions and has no choice but to see what bad decision making does when I’m not there to clean it up for him. I’ve decided that I’m going to give things until the 1 year anniversary of this realization about my husband, which will be December 27th. I need that time to really see if anything changes the behaviors. I have my doubts after this weekend. But I think for me, I really need to feel like I gave it a good shot. After that date if things feel as miserable as they currently do, I need to think about divorce. I just really needed to get this out, because I have literally no one to talk to about this situation. I will talk with my therapist this weekend, but otherwise I have no outlet and it makes me feel so alone and isolated. I love my husband, there's a good person underneath all of this, and I feel genuinely bad that this happened. But I'm just so tired. It was hard to get up this morning, I was late to work. It just seems like I can't ever get ahead. My house is a mess again, I'm trying to make plans with people so I can take care of myself, but I always feel so weighted down. Anyways if you read this, thanks for listening. Now that I've written out, I just feel sad.

[thepixies21]

Sorry for the long stream of consciousness post...reading back it's pretty disjointed. I think the best thing I can do for right now is just put this behind me, let it go, and get back to focusing on myself. I can't change what happened and I can't control him. He can make bad choices if he wants. He can alienate himself from the neighbors if he wants. I need to get back on track and make sure I'm doing fun things regardless of what he's up to. I am sick of cleaning up messes for others, life is hard enough. I deserve to have a little bit of peace. It just seems like every time I feel like I'm right side up this BPD stuff throws something knew at me and cuts me off at the knees. But I need to remind myself that I'm a very capable person, and I can be confident when I want. I am someone who is fun to be around and I care about people...just not to the point of masochism anymore. I'm going to plan a nice weekend for myself to make up for the last one.

[livednlearned]

Your post didn't sound disjointed at all  

Realizing that you're normalizing extreme behaviors sounds familiar. I'm glad you recognized it, and reached out to share it with people who really do understand.

My ex quit smoking and was then diagnosed with ADHD so they gave him adderall. Adderall allowed him to get drunk faster and drink more without passing out which was terrific fun for me. Drinking more alcohol made him sleep worse and that exacerbates his anxiety so they gave him a drug that made his pupils dark as night and made him mean as a snake. I can't remember what it was called but when I looked it up there were reports about the drug increasing suicidality in veterans. Chantix, I think.

I remember his co-workers calling me, the first time that had ever happened. They felt the need to do an intervention and were checking to see if things were ok at home. Looking back, I was so numb and beaten down I couldn't see what was obvious to people outside our marriage.

Sometimes when I think back on our marriage I wonder what would happen if we lived in separate houses. It's kind of a way to recognize that I loved him enough to live close by, but he wasn't safe enough to live together. That's kind of a similar sign. Imagining a living situation like that shows how unusual our home life had become.

My breaking point was cleaning up his poop after a prescription-drug fueled alcohol-induced bender. He must've felt the urge to go to the bathroom but was so inebriated he couldn't find his way and pooped himself then smeared it on the walls and curtains. It was smashed into his toes and all over our bed. By that point I was sleeping in the guest bedroom.

What bothers me to this day is that I cleaned up the mess.

What's worse is that his response was to yell at me for huffing and puffing melodramatically. I take that to mean holding my breath then exhaling once I got out of the room. I guess not liking the smell made me a drama queen.  

That's when I noticed the water was a full rolling boil.

My ex, once he split me black, never split me white again. It was pretty awful living like that but in some ways I think it made it easier to end things. There was no fixing anything or seeing small signs of improvement. We were done. Having a young child meant I had to stick around and get things organized and he seemed to feel certain I was stuck.

People with BPD don't have their own boundaries so you have to have enough for both of you.

If you're going to stay with your husband for a year to see how things work, I wouldn't give him an ultimatum because that's hard for anyone, much less someone with BPD.

It might be best to have a bunch of "if x, then y" for yourself to avoid being in situations that create this kind of stress.

If he does marijuana, you check into a hotel. Or whatever you find reasonable.

Letting your H experience natural consequences is ok but if those consequences are harmful to you then something is missing from the boundary puzzle.

[ForeverDad]

This is a comment I often make, perhaps you've read it here before or are aware of the scenario.

BPD is a dysfunction of close relationships.  (Most people who aren't trained to recognize dysfunction are on the periphery and merely notice something is "off".)  And what is closer and more distressing than a marriage or similar relationship gone awry?  Toss in a dash of Fear, the feelings of Obligation and Guilt and you have the BPD F.O.G. we often describe here.

A short term adjustment is to get some distance away.  The BPD issues do fade with distance.  Problem is, despite the brief reprieve, when you return the discord sooner or later returns.

A long term solution, especially if you do not share children, is to end the relationship.  The other person is an adult and is expected to continue living if you're gone.  Even in the worst of cases, if you die one day, the other person will find a place to live, a way to provide for self, if even only by accessing public support and agencies of various sorts.

What is so hard about ending the relationship and recovering yourself?  Okay, it's not easy.  I, and so many others here, stayed in our dysfunctional and repressive relationships for far too long.  I know in my case I didn't "exit stage left" (cartoon phrase when I grew up) until I had no other choice.  Ponder where you are on life's journey.  Is it time to take that drastic change?

My husband with BPD has been generally doing better lately, with small but good changes and he seems to be making an honest effort. It almost convinced me that we were on the right track...until this weekend...

I’ve decided that I’m going to give things until the 1 year anniversary of this realization about my husband, which will be December 27th. I need that time to really see if anything changes the behaviors.

Of course it is your decision, we can't and shouldn't make it for you.  But is another six months going to change him sufficiently when the prior 13 years with you didn't?

The EMS workers looked at me with a lot of judgment that time too, like we were drug addicts (I don't do anything at all except an occasional beer), and they asked if I needed to go to a DV shelter.

I've often shared a perspective here that makes your comment relatable.  I intended only to include the first paragraph but included more even though it may have been a more severe situation for that member.

About the police...  Imagine this scenario... The call comes in and a couple police are notified to rush to your home, domestic dispute, life or death.  One tells the other, "Don't rush, Falcon always calls then goes right back to her.  Why should we rush when all he does is take a revolving door to circle back to her later?"  Message is, Why should others feel impelled to help you when their impression of you is you won't truly do what you need to do to help yourself?

Yet here you still are, fretting about how to help her.  The blunt reality is you can't.  You can't.  You're torn between keeping only one foot in the tank of piranhas rather than two.  Either way you still get eaten.  Yes, it sucks that really, truly, sadly, you can't help her, you can only help yourself.  She's an adult, her life is up to her.  Reality bites.

Where do you want to be next year, or five years from now?  Where will you be?  Still mired here or off to live your life in peace and calm?

In my case I had a preschooler to induce me to stay.  I didn't have the willingness or strength to leave.  But when I finally called for help, I recall what a police officer taking my statement said to me.

The officer who took my statement warned me that I'd would feel obligated, manipulated or pressured to withdraw my statement but that that was exactly the wrong thing to do.  He was right, I had to let my spouse face her consequences.

[thepixies21]

What bothers me to this day is that I cleaned up the mess.

What you said there hits me hard, I can so relate to that. All the times I've felt degraded but obligated to "do the right thing" but knowing it's going to leave me feeling awful. It's something I know very well, but wish I didn't.

On a lighter note, I love your hyperbole and a half icon, one of my favorite books/websites. 

I think it's good advice that I consider getting a hotel or leaving the house if he decides to use again. I always think there's no way he will do it again after this, but then it always happens, so I think it's good to plan. I hope he won't but I can't be that naive anymore. I also need to make sure that I take my dog with me, nothing happened to her and she has been acting totally fine, but I am so upset that she could have just ran out of the house and been killed because he decided to smoke weed. That's not acceptable.

[thepixies21]

I can't even excerpt anything you said here foreverdad, it's all stuff I need to hear, even if I don't want to. I think I'm staying more to prepare myself and get used to the idea because I know this is going to rock my world as well as his if and when that decision is made. I too have my doubts that 6 more months is really going to make a difference. I want to believe it can happen, but I think I need to be realistic, and maybe use this time to prepare myself and shore up my supports. I feel very isolated right now, and that needs to change. I love my husband, but I don't think it's enough to change anything or it would have happened by now. On my birthday I just thought, is this how I thought things would be a year ago? If I knew things were going to be like this a year ago, or if I could know that things are going to be like this or worse a year from now, would that change my behavior? Would it make it easier to leave?

It's all just so...big. I've moved and started a new job in the last year, and the idea of making another big life change makes me want to panic, not gonna lie. I know I don't have to have it all figured out right now, but I do think I may need to more seriously consider the facts, that I may need to leave this relationship.

[ForeverDad]

I know I don't have to have it all figured out right now, but I do think I may need to more seriously consider the facts, that I may need to leave this relationship.

No one will claim this is a small matter.  This would be life changing.  However I'd like to add a perspective.  So many here have "been there, done that".  In shoes almost exactly as yours.  It was a daunting prospect for us, we can't deny that.

But you have made a small step... "I may need to leave this relationship."  Maybe at this point in time you need to make small steps.  Don't try to take huge jumps.

I will reassure you that once you start taking your (relatively small) steps forward, you will find that those steps gradually define your path and get easier to make.  Progress and recovery is a process, not an event.

[livednlearned]

On a lighter note, I love your hyperbole and a half icon, one of my favorite books/websites. 

The dinosaur costume might be a metaphor for many of us. Pretty sure I was wearing one in my head when I left 

I also need to make sure that I take my dog with me, nothing happened to her and she has been acting totally fine, but I am so upset that she could have just ran out of the house and been killed because he decided to smoke weed. That's not acceptable.

Have you ever seen signs your H would be cruel to your dog if he felt it could hurt you?

A never-turn-back moment happened for me (adding to the poop story) when my ex threw our dog. Sometimes I cannot believe these stories happened. Your boiling frog metaphor is one I thought about so much, wondering whether he was intentionally turning up the heat or was it just happening? In the end, if the water is too hot, it doesn't really matter.

I do have compassion for people who suffer from BPD, I know it often comes from a place of trauma and it's truly tragic that the stars aligned the way they did. At some point, though, that compassion has to come second to values and strong boundaries. I didn't learn about BPD until after my marriage fell apart and I sometimes wonder if the skills I discovered here would've made a difference. Maybe they would've made things less horrible but the alcohol and drugs were his first and second love.

Your H seems to have tender cycles and expresses remorse. He makes an effort. Mine was so deep in a hate spiral and defiantly getting high and drunk. It was no longer tenable to stick around.

[cranmango]

This thread has been helpful to read. There were so many moments throughout the relationship with my ex where, in my head, I drew a line in the sand. If they did XYZ again, I would leave and never take them back. In my heart, I meant it every time.

But when push came to shove, I always took her back. I forgave all the abuse, and always hoped that things would get better. So those lines in the sand were swept away.

The breaking point? When she said something awful about my daughter. Something inside me broke that day. It affected me in a way that I’m not sure any abuse of *me* ever would have.

But I still didn’t walk away. I gave her one last chance, over the span of a few weeks. I think she could tell it was different, that something had changed in our dynamic. So she ended it.

Ending relationships is messy and complicated. It’s so hard to m is when it’s over, or what is the final straw, or when the hurt finally outweighs the love. I’m still trying to wrap my head around my own experiences, and figuring out how to build healthier relationships in the future.

[Cat Familiar]

What caused me to finally end the tumultuous relationship with my ex husband was when he threw something at me, then chased me down the driveway one night. I’d never before screamed when he hit me, knocked me down and grabbed my throat, but I did that night, though living in a rural area on acreage, it’s unlikely if anyone could have heard me. But at that moment, I found my voice.

Perhaps your husband has never hit you, but that he has gone into psychotic episodes before indicates that he loses control of his faculties, and anything is possible. Destroying the house, not securing the door to protect your dog—he is not an individual you can trust or rely upon.

Like you, I covered for my husband’s behavior with friends and neighbors. I didn’t want to be known as someone living with a crazy person, figuring that I too would be tarred with that brush should anyone know what madness I was dealing with.

Getting out was not easy, but it was a step by step process and never for a moment did I regret it. I’ve continued to hear stories about my ex and he’s had run-ins with the law and has skipped out on unpaid bills. Years later, I still get phone calls from creditors trying to track him down.

You are under no moral obligation to stick with someone so dysfunctional. He was like this before you got together. Should you divorce, he will continue to be like this. The only question is: Is this how you want to live your life?

[thepixies21]

You are under no moral obligation to stick with someone so dysfunctional. He was like this before you got together. Should you divorce, he will continue to be like this. The only question is: Is this how you want to live your life?

Thank you for your support and sharing your story, Catfamiliar. This is not how I want to spend my life. I made the decision to finally tell a family member about what’s going on, something I have never done. As soon as I told her about it, she was like “we love him too, but you need to get out of this”. Im trying to keep myself accountable this time so I don’t fall back into complacency. I am going to get a consultation with a divorce lawyer just to hear my options. But I know deep down what I need to do. Im trying to keep it together at home, I don’t want him to know that I’m thinking about leaving. But it’s really hard and feels like a betrayal. I never thought we would be here, and it’s hard when he’s being kind to think about leaving. But that’s what has held me here all this time and nothing ever changes except I’m more depressed and overwhelmed with each episode. So something needs to happen.

[ForeverDad]

I don’t want him to know that I’m thinking about leaving. But it’s really hard and feels like a betrayal.

Your spouse made a choice to behave that way.  Legally a court would view both of you as adults and not say he's incapable or undeserving of facing his behavior's consequences.  You too have a choice, whether you continue the relationship or not.

When you were trying to improve your relationship as you did for years, it was appropriate to share.  However, once you begin another path, pondering the end of the relationship, then different priorities arise.  At that point you need to keep such musings and investigations private and confidential.  The time to "share everything" is past.  Why?  Because any hint of this could trigger overreactions.  Because any sharing of your potential exit strategies could be used to sabotage your goals.

To summarize... you are wise to keep your consultations, plans and strategies to yourself and those you fully trust.  Anything more would be TMI (too much information) and could even be self-sabotaging.

Don't feel bad about protecting yourself and your options.  Your spouse left you with no other practical choice.  It's a new path for you and your confidence will rise the more steps you take on that path.

[thepixies21]

Don't feel bad about protecting yourself and your options.  Your spouse left you with no other practical choice.  It's a new path for you and your confidence will rise the more steps you take on that path.

Thank you so much for the advice, my aunt told me the same thing, don't give off any hints that I'm leaving in the event he does something scary, he tries to talk me out of it, or he tries to sabotage my plans. When he's the sane person I know, I feel like it will be an amicable divorce, but I know if Mr. Hyde shows up, which he usually does when there's stress, it's going to be chaos. And I just can't handle that right now anyway. I will talk with a divorce lawyer on the phone later today, and doing these things finally feels right. I'm looking forward to a long weekend away, where I can take care of myself, and get a feel for what life will be like if/when I'm on my own. Here's hoping I have the strength to pull this off...