Mother in law with BPD

[jyllis]

She and my father shared the same email and she still uses that one. She listened in on all our phone calls.
My mother has also "befriended" some of our adult friends, on her own.
She somehow seems to crave personal information. Any time she gets a little bit of something she lights up with excitement. She also gets angry when she isn't "in the know" and sometimes we just forget to tell her something.
My boundary with her is to not share personal information.

How does your father feel about sharing an email address with her? Does she also listen in on his calls?  My IL's also share an email and I just can't imagine! My FIL has just resigned himself to it. She sends emails pretending to be him, like she sent the son that went NC a message that he is out of the will and family trust but she hid behind her H's name.
She also listens in on phone calls. I can't imagine living that way. I wonder how your father feels?

[livednlearned]

Notwendy, wow. That is so invasive for a mother to do that, and then to get angry at you. What a betrayal.

She somehow seems to crave personal information. Any time she gets a little bit of something she lights up with excitement.

I experienced the downstream part of this. When SD26 lived with us, it was like having a spy in the house. She shared everything with BPD mom. At a graduation dinner, BPD mom waited until the table was silent to ask seemingly innocent yet personal questions about things only SD26 could have fed back to her. Some of the things were strange to bring up in conversation, much less in a group setting.  

Another year, we hosted holidays for my three step kids and their grandparents (my H's ex in-laws, so a bit of an odd situation). BPD mom sent gifts to everyone, including me and H. My gift was the same face cream I use. The only way for BPD mom to know that information would be from SD26 snooping in my bathroom.

I don't even care why someone with BPD does stuff like this anymore. I used to try and figure it out and now it's just boundary boundary boundary, even if the boundary is at my expense.

[Notwendy]

How does your father feel about sharing an email address with her? Does she also listen in on his calls?  My IL's also share an email and I just can't imagine! My FIL has just resigned himself to it. She sends emails pretending to be him, like she sent the son that went NC a message that he is out of the will and family trust but she hid behind her H's name.
She also listens in on phone calls. I can't imagine living that way. I wonder how your father feels?

She listened to his phone calls too. I think my father just resigned to that. He usually gave in to what she wanted. She's very forceful and insistent. Dad was more laid back. He also was co-dependent and enabled her and they were enmeshed. I don't know how he put up with it. Relatives have asked me that question as well. He is deceased now but this was the email and phone call arrangement they had.

[Tangled mangled]

Hi Jyllis

I’m so sorry for the experience you have had and continue to have with your MIL. It truly makes my blood boil reading this, the amount of abuse theses BPD family members will get away with.
Your description of your situation is adequate to me as reader, I see in your comments you feel like you are going on and on about this. Just to remind you that in addition to what others have said on this thread, psychological abuse can take a mighty toll on you.
My mother has uBPD and I was her scapegoat for years, your description of your MIL is so similar to my mum at our wedding- what you described souplike bait and switch- it’s very common with unhealthy relationships. I was so stressed at my wedding because it became all about my mom and the total disregard for my wishes to keep the wedding small- she and my dad who is a narc went ahead to print out more invites and hid the order of service that I prepared and they used a very ugly picture to create a different one for the day( I was planning the wedding from abroad and I thought they were helping) I’m so traumatised by the things they did that even though it’s been 10 years since this happened I can’t bring myself to attend any weddings.
I’m currently going through divorce. Turned out my husband was a covert and sometimes overt narc/bpd.
My in-laws are very toxic too- I think FIL is a narc and MIL is a BPD. I’ve heard that this combination of narc and bpd couples form strong bonds where there’s mutual abuse. My parents have been married for over 45yrs and my In laws quite similar.

My relationship with my stbx is quite similar to yours. In the early stages of our marriage, he didn’t stand up to his family- his mum especially liked to be in our business to the point where during the birth of my first son , ( first grand child for both sides) he insisted on providing constant updates to his mum while I was in labour and he wasn’t caring for me. I had a complicated labour due to the stress and anxiety of having my husband disrespect me through out the labour, my mother , a bully was also on standby to ensure I was still the scapegoat even during the labour. It was horrible.
Despite the similarities, I’m glad your husband is now waking up to what’s going on with your MIL.
My ex husband pretended to be on my side towards the end of the marriage too.It took us many arguments and awful treatments from both sides to reach that point.
we both went no contact with parents on both sides but rn he is busy with the smear campaign and I think he has recruited both my parents and his as flying monkeys.

Blind spots:

Please take my advice with caution as I am coming from being hurt and the psychological abuse has done damage to my perception in ways I cannot describe, however I will point out some possible blind spots that you may want to consider
1) Have a look at vulnerable narcissists-if you are having constant arguments with husband as a result of what his mother is doing, it’s not your job to ‘fix’ the love that his mum never gave to him.
My ex too had to be a bigger victim about not being loved by his parents and other signs of unresolved boundary issues. Eg they loved his brother more than him, that he was born prematurely so his brain must have been affected.
2) it’s not your job to deal with your MIL or put up with her disrespect. If you are having arguments or the mood at home is tense as a result, from what you have described you are experiencing anxiety and I may add possible situational depression- not being able to walk your dogs, not feeling totally safe at home with invasions of your privacy, it’s your husband’s responsibility to protect you from his mother, not your job to demand this- pls look up bread crumbing- were a partner may agree to steps to dealing with the issues but it’s taking a lot of work on your part
3) Codependency- Most of us who post on the site have or atleast had in the past struggled with codependency. This includes letting a partner push your boundaries through arguments. I read in your posts that you will have arguments with your husband about the things his mum will demand and then she still gets her way. No fault of yours but the codependency let’s this cycle of MIL demands-your arguments/ tension with your husband- giving in/ accepting breadcrumbs.
4) Self care- these unhealthy relationships whether you are experiencing them second hand ( yours is quite first hand though) can take a mighty toll on your mental health- the are high on the list for the causes of anxiety and depression ( your sense of self changes, low self esteem increases, loss of interests, guilt etc.
Other terms to look up as you navigate this difficult situation are pathological empathy, toxic shame, toxic passivity.

The are good YouTube channels to help you through this in addition to the forum.

I must apologise if I sound too pessimistic- I really hope for your sake that the improvements in your relationship with your husband is genuine and that you both find a way to set healthy boundaries with MIL. I have found no contact is healthiest boundary you can set , your SIL is good example here.
Take care