Been a while

[StartingHealing]

Hello to all the brave souls on this board.

Been a while since I have posted here.  It's been a long strange trip.

Been over 1 year since going NC.  Divorce was final in May of this year. 
This may be a long rambling post.  I hope that something in here can be helpful to others on a similar journey.

There is no closure coming from the exwBPD.  Something that I had to accept.  Other things that I accepted is that there was nothing that I could do.  I spent 25 years doing the best that I could at the time and there was nothing that I could provide that was sufficient.  I'm currently still torn because I "know" that she is ill. And yet, the abuse, still have some anger about that.  Forgiving myself for only being human was also something that has helped me.

I still struggle.  The words, the emotions, the abuse, from her cut deep, way deep.

Some days I'm good.  Some days there is a low grade feeling of unease.  Some days recently I'm still having the same emotional responses I was having when we were in the same residence.  Partly due to situations around the selling of the marital residence.   

It seems to me at this time that the uncertainty that was happening when being married in the house, has now moved outside to the legal area. 

I have noticed that there are times that based on the stories that I create over the sale of the marital residence is the cause of some emotional distress.  I won't get into the nitty gritty of it.

She found a replacement source.  This is conjecture but I reckon that it was about 3-6 months.  Danged if she isn't doing the same pattern that she had when I first met her.  Going through a divorce, needing someone to save her, etc.  Same old story.  She also went back to "type".  Biker guy, don't know if he's part of a "club" or if he's only adjacent.  That was her particular poison.  Gotta have that drama, the "excitement" .  I was a motorcyclist when we met, managed to keep a motorcycle for a good long while but I gave that up due to her demands on my time.

What I have also realized is the "structures" that I had put into place to mitigate her self destructive behaviors, when those were removed, she went back to the not being good with money etc.  In the last 2 months I have gotten phone calls from collection agencies and collateral recovery agencies.  They are trying to find her.    I'm torn in that I do not know a specific location for her and I don't want to.  No means of contacting her, again I don't want to.  Yet, I do know some things that the agencies may or may not find useful.  Then I think of the karma, and do I want to be around when it does hit the fan for her? 

A word of advice to those who are planning or in the middle of a divorce.  Make sure that the attorney handles any real estate things so it's in the final decree. Like who gets to remain in the property, length of time to sell, if there is a real estate agent needed then the selection process of the agent.  If there is repairs needed in the house, make sure that is covered as well, along with the estimated costs to repair and who is going to be paying for those repairs.  This is the nutshell of the situation that I'm in the middle of at the moment.

My target now is to be free with enough seed money to start my new chapter in life. 

[Cat Familiar]

I wish you the best on starting your new life without the conflict of BPD. It’s true there’s a lot to grieve, even with the most troublesome and conflicted relationships, there was that little seed of perfection that we experienced at the outset, even if only momentarily. Have you thought about seeing a therapist at this point? I did, after my divorce. It was really helpful to let go of the past trauma and help me be more in the moment, without those unpleasant memories nagging me. I get it about the real estate issues. I know how complicated and expensive that can be. And regarding those calls from creditors—years later I still get one occasionally, looking for him.

[Pensive1]

Can take a long time to heal from a very long-term relationship. In your post, I see similarities (and differences) from my own story.

Like you, my breakup occurred after 25 years together. I can also relate to "I'm currently still torn because I 'know' that she is ill. And yet, the abuse, still have some anger about that." Though mostly I'm not angry, because the role of the severe BPD is so obvious. I can also relate to, during the relationship, trying to mitigate her behaviors with finances - then seeing her descend into financial disaster after she broke up with me. Though she just started receiving Social Security and will soon inherit a large sum, which will rescue her. And she has resentment about things we didn't do during our relationship, because I was pointing out that we couldn't afford them (e.g. travel). She's been travelling extensively with her new guy, which I'm sure has contributed to her financial disaster.

In my own case, I haven't accepted that "there was nothing I could do." I recognize her BPD as the biggest factor in our relationship woes. But I contributed to our problems as well - e.g. I was a severe workaholic (leaving her feeling abandoned). I also had an undiagnosed medical issue that left me constantly severely fatigued - that constant severe fatigue adversely affected our relationship, and was finally diagnosed/treated at almost exactly the same time my ex left me for her new guy.

For over a decade I begged her to come to couples therapy with me, but she always refused. Part of it was that she was afraid that a therapist would blame her for stuff, and she couldn't tolerate the thought of that (is hypersensitive to anyone saying she did anything wrong).

One thing that also makes it somewhat harder to let go...
Cat Familiar notes "that little seed of perfection that we experienced at the outset". In my own case, in addition to that, some things began to really improve in the last couple years of the relationship. We discovered activities that we both intensely enjoyed and were doing together - long walks in natural areas, cooking together, etc. The walks were nice because they had a mindful/meditative aspect, and we agreed on a rule that we wouldn't discuss anything serious during those walks (so her BPD wasn't getting triggered, etc.). A kind of renaissance was happening in the relationship, and I really felt renewed hope. Then a family crisis hit, massively triggering her BPD, then she split me black and started an affair with a new guy. She went back to her "type" - guys with NPD. I'm pretty much the exact opposite - I score zero on the Narcissistic Personality Inventory and was one of the few non-NPD guys she's dated. But anyway - I think seeing that renaissance in our relationship near the end makes it substantially harder for me to let go.

[StartingHealing]

Cat Familiar,

I've been looking for someone to talk with.  $$$ is a bit skinny at the moment.  Could really use the $ spent on alimony.   Have found a online place, (7cups) debating on the monthly fee of $150.  It's chat / text based and well... I'm in the stage now where I am angering and doing somatic based things to help with the release of all the trauma.  Qi gong has some interesting things, there is a trauma release exercise program, I am actively working on things. Plus I have developed a area in my back that if I am not actively working on releasing, it starts hurting.  Something fierce. The body is far wiser than I in this.   Once I am free of the house, that will sever the last ties.. Good riddance to bad rubbish. 

The calls from the creditors have already started.  Last month was a firestone card looking for her, this month a collateral recovery agency, something to do with a Harley.  Yeah.

She'll have to learn the hard way.  Actions have consequences.  And I don't think her new supply is going to be to type to "rescue" her either. 

I do believe I am better.  I'm indifferent to her.  I'm working on releasing all the old crap.

[StartingHealing]

 Pensive1,

I know that the relationship breakdown isn't 100% one way or the other.  I did the best that I could at the time.  I continued to do the best that I could as long as I could.  She started menopause and her behaviors got worse and worse and worse. 

Your story has some good elements in it.  There were activities that you could do together that both enjoyed. 

Maybe it was "easier" for me since over time ..

  exwBPD is? / was a water person.  I sink like a rock. Even in salt water, no floating for me.  I still went with her and did the best that I could, and there was always something, some little aspect that got under her skin, and that would escalate to a full blown 6 or 8 hour circular "discussion" in which nothing was ever settled, no certainty applied. It was her projecting onto me her own BS about how she felt guilty for having so much fun.  Sarcasm is intended.

Everything that we attempted to do together turned into a competition with her.  IDK maybe she felt jealous of me in some ways?  She always had to be #1 no matter what.  Card games, reversi, checkers, anything, walking the dog, cooking, you name it.  Gets tiring after a while you know?  Like she couldn't remember that it was just a game, this is food for everybody, or ?

She had me convinced that my actions or inactions was the direct thing that affected her mood.  But there was never any correlation between what I did and her mood.  I'd show up with flowers just because and then I would get accused of cheating on her.  Then I leave a note in her sock drawer or something and that was proof that I had f-ed up somewhere.  It seemed like the more I tried to connect the harder she fought against that.

I would come up with something for us to do together.  She would shoot that down.  Then I would come up with something else and then that would be shot down.  Then I ask her what she wanted to do and she didn't have any ideas and that would start another round of her expressing her displeasure at me because I couldn't read her mind.  "You should know by now what I like and what I don't like"  sigh. 

Even going out to eat became a big deal.  Everything was a big deal.  Even toothpaste.  Yep, hard day at work, wiped, brushing teeth before bed, and it starts.  All over the amount of toothpaste I used.  Seriously.  2.5 hours of sleep later and I'm rolling out to go to work.  No consideration.

In a way maybe it's best that it went the way that it did.  Less "good" memories to keep me wrapped in the bs.

I bid you peace. 

[Pensive1]

re: "escalate to a full blown 6 or 8 hour circular 'discussion' in which nothing was ever settled'".
Yep, can fully relate to that. When I first met her, I found her capacity to engage in circular discussions (where no intellectual question was ever directly dealt with and resolved) intriguing. Later, when it became clear that this was the form every disagreement took, with rage as a perennial feature, I ended up with a more jaundiced view of it.

re: "She had me convinced that my actions or inactions was the direct thing that affected her mood."
Yeah, I can relate to that.

re: "her expressing her displeasure at me because I couldn't read her mind.  'You should know by now what I like and what I don't like.'"
Can totally relate to this. If I couldn't read her mind, it was proof I didn't really love her. Then, most often, she would sulk and give me the silent treatment.

And I can relate to your toothpaste story. It wasn't toothpaste per se in my case. But some tiny thing would set her off. And if I was wiped from a long day and about to go to sleep, or if I was giving my doctoral presentation the next morning and still had to do extensive work on it, it didn't matter. She would launch into hours long conflict and berating. I would plead for her to stop, and in her emotionally dysregulated state, she couldn't, regardless of my circumstances and the impact on me.

re: "Everything that we attempted to do together turned into a competition with her."
Luckily, this wasn't something I had to deal with in our relationship.

One thing with my ex that was very difficult - she couldn't tolerate me disagreeing with her, or saying that she was wrong about something. She's extremely intelligent, but her emotions would sometimes get in the way of accurately processing information. And if I said she was mistaken about some mundane factual thing, she would often experience it as personal rejection and fly into a rage.