Moving on in the face of fear ....

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hi All,

It's been a while, but I still check in and read posts here. It makes me feel connected to people who understand and that alone is helpful. My question to you all today is this:

What has it been like for those of you who have started dating (or even a new relationship) after having been through a traumatic break-up like the ones so often described here?

Have you found any behaviors that would have seemed normal and nice in the past that now get you nervous or scared? How have you dealt with it?

When did you know you were ready to start dating again? How did those first dates go?

As for me, it's been well over a year since the split for me. I haven't dated or even considered having sex with anyone for several reasons. One of them is that I'm afraid that if I don't complete working through the aftermath of this, I'll act in ways that will "pass the trauma down" to anyone I'm with next.

I recently met someone. We aren't dating or anything close to it, but it has been nice to be with a new friend who I connect with on several levels and have interesting deep conversations. I've made it clear I'm not in a place where I'm available for dating. This person is very nice to me and will often compliment me. You'd think that would make me feel good, and it does, partly. But it also scares me because it reminds me of how my ex was with me before she split and became a different version of the person I thought I knew. And this is just with a new friend! I'm curious if this is something others are experiencing anything similar in your post break-up lives.

[BigEasyHeart]

Hi All,

It's been a while, but I still check in and read posts here. It makes me feel connected to people who understand and that alone is helpful. My question to you all today is this:

What has it been like for those of you who have started dating (or even a new relationship) after having been through a traumatic break-up like the ones so often described here?

Have you found any behaviors that would have seemed normal and nice in the past that now get you nervous or scared? How have you dealt with it?

When did you know you were ready to start dating again? How did those first dates go?

As for me, it's been well over a year since the split for me. I haven't dated or even considered having sex with anyone for several reasons. One of them is that I'm afraid that if I don't complete working through the aftermath of this, I'll act in ways that will "pass the trauma down" to anyone I'm with next.

I recently met someone. We aren't dating or anything close to it, but it has been nice to be with a new friend who I connect with on several levels and have interesting deep conversations. I've made it clear I'm not in a place where I'm available for dating. This person is very nice to me and will often compliment me. You'd think that would make me feel good, and it does, partly. But it also scares me because it reminds me of how my ex was with me before she split and became a different version of the person I thought I knew. And this is just with a new friend! I'm curious if this is something others are experiencing anything similar in your post break-up lives.

[jaded7]

Hi All,

It's been a while, but I still check in and read posts here. It makes me feel connected to people who understand and that alone is helpful. My question to you all today is this:

What has it been like for those of you who have started dating (or even a new relationship) after having been through a traumatic break-up like the ones so often described here?

Have you found any behaviors that would have seemed normal and nice in the past that now get you nervous or scared? How have you dealt with it?

When did you know you were ready to start dating again? How did those first dates go?

As for me, it's been well over a year since the split for me. I haven't dated or even considered having sex with anyone for several reasons. One of them is that I'm afraid that if I don't complete working through the aftermath of this, I'll act in ways that will "pass the trauma down" to anyone I'm with next.

I recently met someone. We aren't dating or anything close to it, but it has been nice to be with a new friend who I connect with on several levels and have interesting deep conversations. I've made it clear I'm not in a place where I'm available for dating. This person is very nice to me and will often compliment me. You'd think that would make me feel good, and it does, partly. But it also scares me because it reminds me of how my ex was with me before she split and became a different version of the person I thought I knew. And this is just with a new friend! I'm curious if this is something others are experiencing anything similar in your post break-up lives.

I feel the same about this site, it makes me feel connected with others who've had similar experiences.

I have no interest in dating anymore. I can't seem to trust myself to know when things aren't right, or to trust anyone else's thinking. I've hung out with 'friends' and people who I find attractive, but it just makes me think of 'her' and the good feelings I had when I was with her. And these people don't feel the same to me, and I don't admire them the way I admired her.

For some reason I really had great respect for her and loved her thinking, in spite of all the name she called me and the yelling, the ghosting, the ditching me or not returning calls/texts for days on end. In spite of the lies and gaslighting.

[TheRedLion]

Hi BigEasyHeart,

These are great questions! I asked similar questions a while back when I first got out of my relationship, because I was afraid I wouldn't be able to identify what healthiness was. I was afraid that, if I failed to identify someone so cruel and capable of causing so much pain to me back then, why should I trust myself? Would I just be scared and guessing?

I'll try to address your three questions (in a slightly different order):

When did you know you were ready to start dating again? How did those first dates go?
[/b]

My therapist recommended I try to go on dates again. She specializes in personality disorders and I have found her incredibly helpful. Honestly, if she didn't push for it, I would never have gone on dates. I didn't think I was ready.

My therapist told me to remain aware of my emotions when interacting with others. She told me to pretend I was in Seinfeld. I should find the oddities and come back to her to harp on them. I should be aware in the moment. Not suspecting, but just present. She wanted me to see what actions made me feel uncomfortable on dates. What topics of conversation made me uncomfortable on dates.

The first few ones were weird. I met a couple people who had their own quirks. One of them drank too much. One of them showed up an hour late (but kept me updated). One of them never asked me a single question. I was perfectly gentlemanly, but I also remained aware of how those actions made me feel. The one who showed up late made me feel insignificant. The one who drank too much made me feel on high alert. The one who didn't ask me questions made me feel overwhelmed.

Then, I met a girl who started lovebombing me. And that threw me for a loop. After several comments that reminded me of my BPD partner, I got so concerned that I asked her through text "How do you handle emotional regulation?" She replied with three 5-minute voice recordings. I went on one date with her and ended that immediately. Honestly, a younger me would've been much more intrigued. The lovebombing felt really good. But I saw right through it. I was proud of noticing the red flags. My therapist said so too.

What has it been like for those of you who have started dating (or even a new relationship) after having been through a traumatic break-up like the ones so often described here?
[/b]

A couple months ago I went on a date with a woman who showed no red flags. I was shocked someone like that existed. She felt... sane. She had gone through relationships before, but wasn't traumatized. She didn't lovebomb. She showed up on time and was present and engaged during every date. Yes she had her quirks. She wasn't perfect. But she felt so... normal?

Her and I dated for a month but it ended due to practical reasons. I certainly had moments I was worried about. I felt so scared to hold hands with a woman for the first time since my breakup. I had sex for the first time since my breakup. I was constantly worried that each stage would be triggering. And yet somehow, when I actually got to that stage, it wasn't. I didn't tell her much about my previous relationship. I wasn't trying to trauma dump. I have friends and a therapist for that.

So, overall, while I wouldn't call that a full relationship, it's the closest I've been, and I actually surprised myself. Putting in that effort to learn how to identify red flags early has been really, really helpful.

Have you found any behaviors that would have seemed normal and nice in the past that now get you nervous or scared? How have you dealt with it?
[/b]

There's a couple. Discussions about exes make me really nervous and uncomfortable. I've gotten pretty good at hiding my emotions physically (walking on eggshells for so long does that) but I certainly am hyper-sensitive whenever a potential romantic partner mentions their exes.

Quotes like
"all my exes didn't treat me right"

or

"I feel so comfortable and safe with you"

really scare me, especially when they appear too early (like if these are said within a week or two).

Having a good therapist has been wonderfully helpful. Calming myself down and asking if it's their actions or my trauma (or both) that are causing my emotions has been huge. Sometimes I get scared about things that are harmless because they remind me of my ex. Sometimes I get scared about things that are harmful. The one thing I actively practice now are noticing the details and being present to notice red flags.

I can't say it's been easy. And I completely relate to that worry that we'll "pass the trauma down". For me, I am not getting into a full relationship until I feel at peace with myself first. Until I've worked through my triggers and trauma. If I don't, there's certainly a chance I might project my fears and worries onto someone else. That's not the goal, and that's not the start of a healthy relationship. Self-care is the first step towards being able to care for others.

As my therapist likes to say, don't try to take on a relationship if you haven't made your bed first.

[PhoenixKnight]

I’m 4 months out now. It’s difficult really as although I don’t talk to my ex, and she moved out 4 months ago, she remained in LC to collect her things throughout the first 3 months. We also work in the same building, so every day I was on pins when I saw her. She has now moved out fully and we have both moved to different stations within our work. I feel like now I’m in full NC, although there is the occasional teams call that she will come up on.

In the second month I was feeling very resolute and still quite angry. I went on a couple of dates with a very attractive mutual friend (in secret). That didn’t work out; too soon for me and I think I probably weirded her out by talking about the ex too much. We’re still in contact, but purely as friends.

 The last 2 months however I have fully retreated from dating. I just don’t want to. My friends are pushing me to get on the dating apps, but I just don’t think it’s fair on me, or the girls I’d be talking to. I’m still hung up on my ex. I am 80% certain my ex will at least be dating. She isn’t one for not having attention and validation. She will be inundated by men, as she’s gorgeous. Whenever she has discarded me in the past she gets a lot of attention in those periods. It doesn’t really change the fact that I’m not ready. I have no interest in ‘winning the break up’.

My previous long term partner (ex-ex) contacted me last month and has been quite consistent in my life. She was great as a partner and I was broken hearted for 12 months when that ended. She is extremely remorseful for how we ended 5 years ago and is romanticising about the past a lot. Whilst it’s very flattering, and a bit of an ego stroke, I’m not going to rush back into that either. I kind of want to just stick my head in the sand for a few months and work on me, both as a person and as a partner for whoever I end up with.

[BigEasyHeart]

"I can't seem to trust myself to know when things aren't right" --

jaded7,
I couldn't have put it any better. I might add, I don't know if I can trust myself to know when things ARE right either yet.

TheRedLion,
Thank you for sharing what you've been going through. There is so much there that is useful to me. I especially liked your approach of "Calming myself down and asking if it's their actions or my trauma (or both) that are causing my emotions". That IS huge!

PhoenixKnight,
I can relate to your "I just don’t want to." sentiment and the reasoning behind it. I feel the same way. I can't imagine what it's like to work so closely with your ex in this kind of break-up. BTW, I don't think working on yourself is the same as sticking your head in the sand by any means. It sounds like you're doing exactly what you should be doing.

These responses are incredibly helpful. Thanks so much and keep 'em coming!

[EyesUp]

It's been 3 years since my uBPDxw and I filed for D, 2.5 years since we separated, and just over 2 years since the D was finalized. 

After my marriage unwound, my T encouraged me to reconnect with friends and family.  I logged into facebook for the first time in forever (my uBPDxw often objected to facebook and social media) and almost immediately heard from an old friend / one time girlfriend, who I hadn't seen since before I was married. It turned out that her divorce was finalized a month before mine. 

A situationship developed - she lives on the opposite side of the country.  We talked on the phone quite a bit, texted daily.  When I told her I was going to Barcelona for work, she said "I'll meet you there" - and did. 

I didn't wait a full year from the decree absolute in order to start whatever was happening, although my T didn't raise concerns when I mentioned it - I think, in part, because this was a friends-plus situation with very mutual intentions and circumstances.

We were both recovering from similarly disordered relationships.  Our kids are the same ages, and our mutual priorities.  We ended up seeing each other about once a month for the better part of a year, at which point we agreed that no one was relocating and continuing the situation could become a problem.  We remain friends (and have many mutual friends) and are still in contact.

The part of this situation that might be replicable: the mutual aspect of the relationship. i.e., we avoided getting into something in which one partner has a very different set of expectations or intentions. This also applied to readiness relative to recovery - In my situation, it was too soon for a proper relationship - for either of us - but we acknowledged and understood this and talked about it, often. In this way, we were able to support each other. 

Reconnecting with a high school / college / former lover, post-D, is a cliche - for good reasons.   I'd say it's doubly dangerous for those recovering from disordered relationships that involve multiple cycles, etc. - as these relationships are cyclical by definition. Not wanting to repeat old habits is not enough, it's necessary to communicate early and often to avoid hurting or getting hurt.

That said, getting involved with someone who has a degree of unavailability - like living on the other side of the country - might be a good way to re-approach intimacy without going from zero to 100 too quickly.  At a time when it's important to establish or reestablish boundaries, having significant physical separation can be a good thing - so that you don't suddenly find yourself making room and rearranging your life for someone nearby.  I don't mean to make this sound too calculated or clinical - simply acknowledging that re-approaching intimate relationships with certain guardrails can be helpful - and distance can be a force function to help limit and focus time spent together, as well as a decision about how or if to continue.

After we agreed to discontinue the situation, I took some time.

I briefly dated someone who was ready to file a motion to change her parenting schedule so we could see each other more - in a very short amount of time, at least from my POV. I ended that one, and actually felt some assurance that my ability to detach was functioning - vs. trying to accommodate or negotiate, which I probably would have done with my xw to everyone's detriment...   

A bit later, I connected with someone who I've been seeing for a little over 6 months now. While our situations are different, we both recognize that we're still recovering from long-term relationships that ended in contentious divorces - so again, there is an aspect of mutual experience, mutual understanding, mutual appreciation, etc.  Our schedules are compatible, which is a critical aspect of dating with younger kids / parenting time. We typically meet once or twice a week. So far, she's never met my kids, although I have introduced her to a member of my family. Which is to say: Part of what works is that we have similar intentions.

To sum it up: My MO has been to take it slow, to avoid getting into a relationship that has any chance of overriding my priorities as a parent, and to take chances where there is balance - i.e., compatible intentions, and a desire and readiness for new experiences, and learning. 

I've been fortunate to be able to try a lot of new restaurants, explore new places, and meet some new people. It's also been helpful to receive unexpected and unsolicited validation along the way.

My suggestion is:  If you don't feel ready, listen to that feeling. And take your time.

[SinisterComplex]

Hi All,

It's been a while, but I still check in and read posts here. It makes me feel connected to people who understand and that alone is helpful. My question to you all today is this:

What has it been like for those of you who have started dating (or even a new relationship) after having been through a traumatic break-up like the ones so often described here?

Have you found any behaviors that would have seemed normal and nice in the past that now get you nervous or scared? How have you dealt with it?

When did you know you were ready to start dating again? How did those first dates go?

As for me, it's been well over a year since the split for me. I haven't dated or even considered having sex with anyone for several reasons. One of them is that I'm afraid that if I don't complete working through the aftermath of this, I'll act in ways that will "pass the trauma down" to anyone I'm with next.

I recently met someone. We aren't dating or anything close to it, but it has been nice to be with a new friend who I connect with on several levels and have interesting deep conversations. I've made it clear I'm not in a place where I'm available for dating. This person is very nice to me and will often compliment me. You'd think that would make me feel good, and it does, partly. But it also scares me because it reminds me of how my ex was with me before she split and became a different version of the person I thought I knew. And this is just with a new friend! I'm curious if this is something others are experiencing anything similar in your post break-up lives.

Oh the dating question. I am going to be different from most here. I just wanted to offer up a different perspective. I've dated plenty in my lifetime. Many girlfriends, been married, and many casual dates for fun. I realized I actually didn't want to date or be tied down and that by trying to date or find the one I wasn't being true to myself. I was doing what others thought I should do or what society deems you should do. I enjoy my own company and doing my own thing. I loathe the thought of drama or having someone cut in on my plans, or worse yet having my life out in social media (yuck...I despise and loathe social media, I'm old school and prefer to have my privacy). I have plenty of friends, but I have so many interests and things I like to do that I quite honestly do not want to put aside for someone else and if you want a relationship you have to make sacrifices and carve out a good portion of time for them. There is no eating your cake and having it to...it's just not realistic and not enough time for that.

There are also a lot of couple things that for me just annoy the S out of me. Namely...I do not want to be pestered by someone while I am at work or have to deal with the what are we having for dinner talk. Also, I still eat a planned diet like a bodybuilder even though I do not necessarily do bodybuilding anymore. However, I am more into a fitness lifestyle. But I digress...

Basically, once I gave myself the time I needed to heal and figure myself out and what I truly wanted I was happy. No more stress or pressure. Now I say all of this because I am open-minded. If I were to get into a relationship it would be because it was something I felt that truly uplifted my life and made it better than it already is and it is something I wanted to do by choice. I am of the mind that I am already happy with or without someone else. I do not fear being alone...I embrace it and love it...more time to I get to hang out with myself and do I what I want to do. The freedom is phenomenal and that in itself would be the hardest thing for me to part with for a relationship.

Guess what this has ultimately unintentionally brought me? Better friendships, closer relationships in general and more people wanting to be around me or have me around. LOL.  Weird how that works right? I try to put myself on an island and everyone else wants to see what I'm up to and hang out with me. The moral of the story...do what you want to do, makes you happy, and do what puts you in the position to be the best version of yourself that you can be. 

Cheers and Best Wishes!

-SC-