Aftershocks in dating, dodging a bullet?

[ConflictedWalrus]

Hi all, it's been a while but I recently had an experience that left me scratching my head (and questioning my sanity).

History:
Last year I divorced my uBPDexW after 13 years of marriage. We had gone thru multiple "on again" / "off again" cycles with a few affairs on her part mixed in. I'm pretty co-dependent and have some anxious attachment which would flair up as anxiety and C-PTSD symptoms whenever things with her seemed "off".

This past year has been spent in very low contact, with me actively attending 12-step groups for my boundary issues and co-dependency. Additionally, I've been working with a sponsor and with a therapist. I chose to remain intentionally single while processing the grief and other baggage present from the marriage and the divorce.

Recent events:
With the consideration and approval of some trusted peers who know my story, I decided last week to get back out there and make an online dating account. Low and behold, I got a match fairly quickly (actually three, but the first one is the main concern here). We ended up in a rapid-fire text conversation thru the app.

It quickly progressed to comparing situations and back stories (we're both single parents). Our goals and values aligned perfectly. She seemed too good to be true, and she remarked similar thoughts about me. I made multiple mentions of going it slow which she seemed totally on board with. One key thing was to not go off-app with our communications until after sleeping on it and praying (we're both Christian, or at least I am and she says she is).

A bit later in the convo, the recent solar activity kicked in and the Northern Lights became visible. I could see them clearly and suggested she go outside as well; I told her I'd be off app for a few minutes. She then she sent a message saying she couldn't see the lights, and then she sent me her number (contrary to what we'd discussed). I texted her some pics of the lights and moved back on-app.

After that, we both went to bed. A little more comms happened the next day via actual text (not the app), but nothing major owing to work and family schedules.

Throughout all of those two days, I had the intense (addictive) sense of attraction nd intimacy that only BPD can generate, but also a familiar dread. Additionally I had what I can only describe as uneven emotions and some "emotional alarm bells" similar to what I got with my uBPDexW.

So today we resumed texting. Immediately, she mentioned how she's always wanted to go on a certain big trip and how she wished I could come (an aspirational trip, mind you -- not an actual planned event). I honestly felt rushed and said it seemed a bit soon for that kind of talk. She said it's ok to dream, and I told her dreaming too soon can be dangerous because it builds intimacy too fast.

We texed a bit more, but then I had to take a break (of all things, it was to attend a support group I joined after my last BPD relationship). All thru the group meeting I had a deep sense of unease. Afterward, I got back on text to ask a bit more about a job she said she used to have... It was very much a tale in which she was a victim... I pushed back a bit, and she got pretty defensive and leaned in to why she was helpless in the scenario she had described earlier (passively implying I was being inconsiderate and dismissing her). It felt like when my ex used to do this.

After a bit more conversation, I flat out explained to her that boundaries had been crossed, that she was rushing things, etc., etc... We then basically both wished each other well and unmatched (and I deleted her number).

The confused aftermath:
My emotions were a wreck right after. I cried and shook and generally felt as messed up as I did back when the relationship with my ex ended. This whole encounter felt like love-bombing, playing the victim, and all the other things that drew me in when my ex and I first met.

This gal even looked a lot like my ex (even the initial "BPD glow" in her pics). She had the same interests as my ex, and a lot of the same sort of dreamy/aspirational/almost juvenile "way of being" that my ex did... All of the feelings were exactly the same as when I met my ex. I felt the intense attraction and instant familiarity. It was like taking one more hit of a potent drug... After only three days of interaction, I feel like I'm going to need another week or two to recover at minimum.

At first I thought I might not be ready for relationships again, but my other two matches thus-far have been baseline "normal". I'm enjoying conversation and would like to get to know them better, but it's not like with the first one. These matches are just comfortable, mundane, "normal".

So am I going crazy? Or did I just have a near-miss with another pwBPD? Or am I just seeing red flags everywhere? I have no idea.

Whether or not she has BPD, I also feel bad for the gal. Almost like FOG for leading her on, even though I know it was just three days of texting and a normal part of the online dating game with no mal-intent on my part.

I don't want to over-spiritualize things, but some part of me feels like God made her my first match on purpose. Like it was a test: "If presented with the same chance now as when you were younger, can you walk away?" ... Or maybe more as a reminder of what I can't afford to go thru again. I just don't know.

Either way, thank you all for putting up with my confused rant. I don't expect to find any real answers; I'm just glad ya'll are here with your shared experiences so I can remind myself that maybe I'm not going crazy after all.

[TheRedLion]

Hi ConflictedWalrus,

First off, it's great to hear how much work you've been doing on yourself, and how far you've come! A year of growth is something to be proud of—would love to hear more about what you've done to piece through your trauma and re-discover yourself.

I had a similar experience when I started dating ~5 months after my breakup. I matched with someone who constantly texted me, overshared about her abusive ex a few too many times, and planned ~30 dates for us to go on prior to even meeting. Those are just three of many red flags she produced in just our text conversations, There was no promise that it was BPD. In fact, therapists are required to wait 6 months before diagnosing personality disorders like BPD in the US to correctly identify it. But regardless, there were clear red flags that indicated love-bombing, emotional instability, and oversharing far beyond what's acceptable.

-----

In terms of your story, it seems like you did a really good job picking up red flags. Things like:

• "Rapid-fire text convo"
• "She seemed too good to be true"
• "she then sent me her number (contrary to what we'd discussed)"
• "how she wished I could come... She said it's ok to dream"
• "it was very much a tale which she was a victim"
• "leaned in to why she was helpless in the scenario"

Any of these things individually is not inherently a bad thing. Red flags are not telltale signs of BPD or personality disorders at large. But all of these combined collectively seem to imply that she a) pushes agreed-upon boundaries, b) love-bombs, and c) overshares about victim-hood.

Whether or not she has BPD, I also feel bad for the gal. Almost like FOG for leading her on, even though I know it was just three days of texting and a normal part of the online dating game with no mal-intent on my part.

In terms of this, continue thinking along the lines of "is this normal?" and "how it made me [ConflictedWalrus] feel".

Why would someone who just matched with you on a dating app and hasn't even met you yet dream about taking you on a trip? To her, you could be a serial killer, a sadistic abusive assh*le, a human trafficker. You could be boring and unfun, you could be lazy and not compatible, you could be interested in completely different things. She doesn't even know if you two get along in-person. A trip is huge! Isn't that weird?

Why would someone who just matched with you have the time and energy to text you rapid-fire? You're just some random person from a dating app—you shouldn't be first priority! Isn't that weird?

Why is she explaining a whole story of being a victim in a bad work environment before meeting you? Dating is a lot of posturing—what is she consciously or subconsciously trying to achieve by telling you, someone she doesn't even know, about this? Isn't that weird?

And, in terms of "how it made me [ConflictedWalrus] feel", clearly you repeatedly felt uncomfortable with the infringements of your boundaries and anxious.

You wrote the following:
- "She seemed too good to be true"
- "I had the intense (addictive) sense of attraction and intimacy that only BPD can generate, but also a familiar dread"
- "I had what I can only describe as uneven emotions and some 'emotional alarm bells'"
- "It felt like when my ex used to do this"

It sounds like from the beginning, you knew something didn't feel right. Regardless of if she has BPD or not, she was showing red flags and you were increasingly anxious. Trust your emotions—try to avoid explaining-away actions just because of a lack of a diagnosis. She could have BPD, she could not. But regardless, you picked up on the red flags, you picked up on how she made you feel, and you decided not to proceed. For many on this board, this is actually really motivating—we want to get to a place where we can do those things, and don't end up in a situation where we are getting into a new, emotionally-unstable relationship with someone who has red flags.

You didn't lead her on: you got to know her better through text, you decided she wasn't a partner you'd want to continue with, and you communicated that you wanted to stop. That should be an incredibly normal experience. Do you feel bad because you think she has BPD? Do you feel bad because you feel like she idealized you (as a match)? Or do you feel bad because you at one point idealized her (as a match) and enjoyed the love-bombing a little?

Is there a level of pride in having gone through this and not ended in a relationship? How do you feel about having picked up on those red flags so early on? What about the love-bombing felt correctly anxiety-inducing (how quickly did you see right through it)?

Stay safe and well,
TheRedLion