Dazed and confused

Hello to everyone on this blog. My story is not unique, yet despite attempts at counseling I often feel hopeless. 30+ years ago my wife and I had issues which I did not understand. I am an alcoholic and sober for 25 years. As time went on, I began to feel like something was wrong with me and I sought out a therapist. After several sessions the therapist said she would like to meet my wife if possible. My wife agreed to meet as a couple. At the first and only meeting my wife had prepared a written statement which she proceeded to read. When the therapist asked her if we could just talk, her response was "no" and she continued on with her written statement and then had nothing more to say. I continued to work with the therapist for several months, focusing on my self esteem. Several years later, when things again became unbearable, I sought out therapy again for myself. The original therapist retired so I started anew. When my wife would ask, "why are you going to therapy?" I would respond I was "trying to be a better person". After several sessions my wife decided she wanted to attend "to see what lies I was telling about her." The initial visit was like the first therapist, she had a written script which she would not deviate from but at the end of the session said she would come back. I was elated. After several couples sessions the therapist felt it would be best if each of us worked with our own therapist. I willingly agreed to seek out someone for myself, I was thrilled that my wife had established a relationship with a therapist. We continued on with out individual therapists with written consents that the therapists could consult and discuss our sessions as needed. Shortly thereafter, it was recommended that we see a therapist the specializes in "high conflict relationships". After just getting started (2 sessions), the therapist missed out scheduled visit (it was a 40 minute drive) for us. She was apologetic but wife was done. I continued with the individual therapy with my therapist. I expressed my concerns about not getting any answers and nothing seemed any better in my marriage. She assured me she had been in contact with the other therapist. Finally, during one of our sessions (all of which were via Zoom due to Covid, she recommended "Stop Walking on Eggshells." More accurately, she stated that someone recommended the book. I quickly bought it and my eyes were opened and things started to make sense. After several more sessions I decided to stop the therapy as I now had an idea of what had been going on all these years! We continue to have episodes of rage and I have learned to accept that they are part of the condition. I have gone on long enough for the moment and just had to unload as I had just been verbally assaulted once again. I feel better now that I have found this forum. Any help and insights would be greatly appreciated. We have been married for 48 yrs. and have 3 grown daughters who are married. I have been warned not to share their mother's diagnosis with them, as it will cause more harm than good. Thanks for your time.



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