Hi Aw511,
My understanding is that when they are "depressed", they are at their highest level of functioning -- perhaps only in the context of interpersonal relationships.
As I see it, when they are tired (and depressed) that's when they emotionally functional sufficiently to seek intimacy and closeness, a very human and functional need. However the minute they get this intimacy and closeness, then their disordered thinking kicks in: suddenly, in their mind, the person to whom they feel intimate and close to, is not the source of perceived (or imagined) abandonment.
I found when my borderline ex was very tired, he allowed a level of intimacy that he wouldn't normally. (Similar to when he was drunk.) It always felt during those times that this is how it should be. He would want to cuddle, and call me pet names, and just be nice all around. But the next day we would wake up and he would have snapped back to being a jerk again... .
This is why after he cuddled with you, the next day he would snap back to being a jerk because that "jerk" is reacting to his disordered perception that you mean to abandon him. He's pissed at you for what he *imagines* that you will do.
It was like he didn't have the energy to exercise his defense mechanisms to keep me away. But then he would go back to acting like it never happened the next day... .Anyone else experience this?
You see his "jerk" behavior as his "defense mechanism". I see his "jerk" behavior as a possible sign of disordered behavior. He acts like [the intimacy] never happened the next day because with "splitting behavior" (another disordered behavior associated with BPD) he can only see you as either all white (i.e., idealization) or all black (i.e., devaluation, the abandoner). While he is idealizing you, all he wants is to cuddle and call you pet names... .he doesn't recall his imagined abandonment. While he is devaluing you, and being the jerk... .he can't recall ever wanting to cuddle you or call you pet names.
Disordered behaviors.
Best wishes, Schwing
