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Poll
Question: POLL: How would you describe your most recent "post break-up" communication with your exBPD? [select the highest one on the list that applies]
An attempt to rekindle the relationship - 43 (12.6%)
Continuation of the breakup dispute - 63 (18.5%)
Looking for validation/redemption (either party) - 54 (15.8%)
Keeping communication lines open - 88 (25.8%)
Necessary information exchange - 48 (14.1%)
Other (please explain) - 45 (13.2%)
Total Voters: 334

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Author Topic: SURVEY | Have you been in contact recently?  (Read 27464 times)
OTH
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« Reply #60 on: January 04, 2011, 01:26:15 PM »

How long ago was the last contact? I have been NC 3 weeks. She has sent several texts and an email. I have not responded.

What was the contact? Wanting me to watch her cats... .telling me her car is going into the shop... .telling me her new place isn't working out and she has to move again... .wanting to get her stuff from my cottage.

What did I think the contact was all about? Trying to suck me back in... .and looking for sympathy.

How did I handle it? Maintained NC. Last text was Dec. 30th.

Our last actually conversation had her raging at me... .calling me an arrogant hit_ who treats people like sht. We were having an insignificant argument over class prerequisites... .the rage started when I showed her I was right. We got to the point where she argued about anything... .and everything... .I decided enough was enough... and went NC. I had been studying NPD and thought maybe that was her... .than I discovered this site and it fit like a glove. She told me about the time she was hospitalized for a suicide attempt. They diagnosed her but I can't for the life of me remember what she said. I want to say she said "BPD" but I can't remember. I think she said she was just depressed over a breakup. I wish I could remember that conversation more clearly but I just remember she insisted they didn't know what they were talking about.
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« Reply #61 on: January 05, 2011, 04:09:23 AM »

Last contact was November 6 2010 at a function we both attended where I spent the night avoiding her but she made sure we spoke and told me she thought it was sad that we couldnt be friends anymore as she missed visiting me for a drink,good music and intelligent conversation.

I told her we both knew that was a bad idea and as she walked away she turned back to me and said,in her own sexy way, ''and you know how much I love sex''.

Just her trying to dangle the carrot,havent heard from or seen her since that night.
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JonnyJon42
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« Reply #62 on: January 18, 2011, 04:31:59 PM »

How long ago was the last contact?

2 Days ago

What was the contact?

Txt she ran off for a week after testing me then when i told her i can take this anymore and i will not be contacting her again the next day she sent me a crap load of rage txt calling me a monster and saying she can never forgive me for not loving her enough or the way she wanted and that means i cant be trusted oh and then she said in passing to much messed up stuff happen that week so i wont want her anyways shes a differnt person Laugh out loud (click to insert in post) in a week mind you. I think she was really mad over the fact in the im not talking to you anymore txt i said i made a new friend over the week and SHE help me realize i need to not contact you anymore. i think thats what really set her off

How did I handle it?

Let her keep going and kept saying im sorry you feel that way over and over then restarted NC

Im hoping i wont hear from her again but unsure about that

Would i do it differnt?

maybe not txt her at all and hope she went away instead of the hour of rage txts Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)




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« Reply #63 on: January 19, 2011, 12:36:16 AM »

its been 9 months... .she called me for money and left a message on my phone saying she was having internal bleeding (a lie)... .i was supporting her financially at that time... .she called me in my office to ask for more money so that she can get a laser cosmetic job... .i said no way... .there was a very heated argument and a ended up swearing at her... .after that i said enough is enough and totally cut myself out (blocked all her email addys, changed my number, etc.)... .
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« Reply #64 on: January 23, 2011, 08:24:52 AM »

How long ago was the last contact?

13 days ago...

What was the contact (simple description of the event, e.g., text message asking me if I'm OK)? email stating she and her daughter needed help, I had sent a Happy New Years. She stated since you send me a Happy NewYears I thought I ws still in your thoughts...

What did I think the contact was all about?

She most certainly needs money but I am sure she feels like she wants to talk to me. She stated" you at least be proud of me" but I would not go into detais unless we can talk about it" ... I know you may not want to talk to me but believe me, my daugther needs all the help she can get... "

How did I handle it?

I waited a couple of days and answer very objectively to please not contact me while she was in the r/s she was at the moment. (this person is being manipulated by her and ea time she approaches me, he threatens with bodily harm, she pretends in front of him that I am stalking her, she came to my house once with him and started to screamed at me to leave her alone and stop harrasing her while she grab my neck and "staged" punching me on my stomach... crazy ahh?). Since I still care about her I emailed another email back as an answer stating that I hope she was doing well and that I still care, but to please stay away... and that her daughter knew where to find me.

If I got a "do-over" would I handle it differently? Why?

not sure, I am not sure because I feel guilty as if I was responsible for her well being, I still care and love her and do not want any harm to her. Is like I want peace but want her to have peace, get therapy and be well. I don't know how to help and I know it is not my responsibility but it is in my nature to try to make things better for the people I love.
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MaybeSo
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« Reply #65 on: August 23, 2011, 07:00:04 PM »

Here are the questions:

How long ago was the last contact?

yesterday

What was the contact (simple description of the event, e.g., text message asking me if I'm OK)?

sharing information about payment on a joint credit card

What did I think the contact was all about?

same as above

How did I handle it?

cordially, via email

If I got a "do-over" would I handle it differently? Why?

no, it was handled fine
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« Reply #66 on: August 23, 2011, 10:26:05 PM »

How long ago was the last contact? 3 months ago


What was the contact

Called, which I ignored then emailed asking me for a computer receipt which he already had.

What did I think the contact was all about?

Intially I thought he cared then thought no hang on he is trying desperately to reconnect. Telling that his life was messy etc - he wanted rescuing/validation.

How did I handle it?

I emailed the computer receipt with very little text - business like - then got more emails back than I bargainned for - which I ignored.

If I got a "do-over" would I handle it differently? Why?

NO but this time I would not reply at all. I have blocked all avenues except the possibility that he may turn up at my door and I cant block his number on my iphone.
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« Reply #67 on: August 24, 2011, 12:10:28 AM »

How long ago was the last contact? & What was the contact (simple description of the event, e.g., text message asking me if I'm OK)?

1. 2 emotional e-mails yesterday. Dictating terms re access to the children.

2. Phone call day prior to that "I need you to do me a BIG favour"

3. Face to face 3 days earlier at handover more requests for to help her deal with "stuff".  

What did I think the contact was all about?

"I am struggling to cope and YOU can help ME"

Also looking to control me, see if I am still stupid enough to be emotionally available as a friend

How did I handle it?

1. preparing as short factual respose to the e-mail.

2. declined

3. deal with it to protect my own name

If I got a "do-over" would I handle it differently? Why?

Same

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« Reply #68 on: August 24, 2011, 12:14:42 AM »

How long ago was the last contact?

Tonight

What was the contact?

He came over to my house unannounced, no one was home so then he called me.  I did not answer his call let it go to voicemail

What did I think the contact was all about?

To see what I was up too

How did I handle it?

Ignored it

If I got a "do-over" would I handle it differently? Why?

I would do it all the same
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« Reply #69 on: August 24, 2011, 01:24:10 AM »

How long ago was the last contact? His last contact to me (emails) was about 2 1/2 months ago--email questions about non-relationship issues. He was trying to re-engage me in a conversation. I didn't answer the emails.

My last contact to him was perhaps a month before that when I said for the third or fourth time in response to phone calls and emails that I didn't want a relationship with him (email). I don't remember the exact date and don't want to look in the emails. (He wanted to come back when an affair fizzled)

Would I do the same. I think so.

Diotima

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« Reply #70 on: August 24, 2011, 03:40:03 AM »

Here are the questions:

How long ago was the last contact?

Two years ago

What was the contact (simple description of the event, e.g., text message asking me if I'm OK)?

A text message, which basically was an invitation for sex, sent to me two months after my ex dumped me for another woman, who she told me was her "soul mate."



What did I think the contact was all about?


Making sure I was still available/that she could still control me.

How did I handle it?

I texted, "You are crazy. Seriously. Stay away from me - you have hurt me enough."

If I got a "do-over" would I handle it differently? Why?

Yes, my reply text was sent in a fit of anger and grief - I wish I had had the composure to not respond at all.
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« Reply #71 on: August 24, 2011, 09:13:21 AM »

How long ago was the last contact?

August '10

What was the contact (simple description of the event, e.g., text message asking me if I'm OK)?

She was supposedly stalked by one of her other gazillion exes.

What did I think the contact was all about?

Draining the last bit of empathy out of me.

How did I handle it?

Bad. After a few messages back and forth she suddenly accused me of stalking her! Excuse me, but who was the one who contacted me, you weird broad?

If I got a "do-over" would I handle it differently? Why?

Yeah, I would not have given her the satisfaction of pulling me further down the spiral.
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« Reply #72 on: August 24, 2011, 09:24:41 AM »

How long ago was the last contact?

One Month ago. First contact since Febuary.

What was the contact (simple description of the event, e.g., text message asking me if I'm OK)?

I emailed her one of her old emails from before she move in. I was deleting them all but made the mistake of reading them. Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)

In it she talks about not knowing who she is and how I shouldn't try to get to know her too much. She calls herself a "swing of the pendulum" type girl. This kind of stood out to me now that I know about BPD. I emailed her this and asked her about it. I also brought up the time she told me about her hospitalization and that the hospital diagnosed her BPD. She insisted it was just depression and the hospital didn't have time to make a diagnosis like that. I asked her if she knew she had BPD. We emailed back a forth a couple times. She wanted to come see me (which finally brought me back to my senses). I said I was unavailable all week. That was the end of it. Whoops!

What did I think the contact was all about?

I was triggered by reading the old email and thought I could spell it out for her that she knew she had BPD. I went back into savior mode. Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)

How did I handle it?

Very poorly. I snapped out of it when she expressed interest in seeing me. I do not want to see her. I'm not scared of seeing her. I will be polite and friendly if I meet her in public. I know I can't help her and it is bad for my own emotional health to keep trying.

If I got a "do-over" would I handle it differently? Why?



Yes. I would just delete the email. It is not my job to fix her emotional health. That is her battle. My battle is making my life healthy and happy.  Being cool (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #73 on: February 29, 2012, 11:46:01 AM »

How long ago was the last contact?

a few hour ago

What was the contact (simple description of the event, e.g., text message asking me if I'm OK)?

send an email for my stamp collection (grandfather is really bad and half of it was given by him. Don't find it, so must be on her attic). Left a few nasty remarks (jezus, I am becoming BPD).

What did I think the contact was all about?

Me wanting to get my things back and somehow wanting her to know that I can spill the dirt as much as she can

How did I handle it?

Badly, I have given her ammo to shoot again. Yeah I know, I am just being honest

If I got a "do-over" would I handle it differently? Why?
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« Reply #74 on: February 29, 2012, 11:59:51 AM »

How long ago was the last contact?

A couple of hours ago,

What was the contact (simple description of the event, e.g., text message asking me if I'm OK)?

I sent her an email wishing her a happy birthday.  She sent an email back saying "thanks".  I could't let go the email that she sent me yesterday saying "I finally put the puzzle together,  I think. I am sorry, that you couldn't love me enough."  She never answered me when I asked her "what puzzle", so I asked her again and still no response. 

What did I think the contact was all about?

I wanted to wish her happy birthday, even though my T was pretty hard on me last week on why I would do that... .I did it anyway.  I guess it was the email I got from her yesterday that was still weighing on me.  For me, I wanted/longed for her to come to the realization that she has BPD.  She has hinted that she is "crazy" and "doesn't think like everyone else" and I just wanted her to accept some of the blame of the failure of the relationship.  So far, it is ALL my fault. 

How did I handle it?

Stupidly, because I have asked her twice about this damn "puzzle" that she knows about, but in reality it was just bait for reenagement.  And... .of course I get silent treatment and no answer which further confirms the intention of the email.

 

If I got a "do-over" would I handle it differently?  Why?

Yes, I am supposed to be detaching which means not even reading her emails and definitely not responding. 
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« Reply #75 on: February 29, 2012, 03:03:20 PM »

hey OTB

I know how you feel... .You know and hoping not to hijack this thread, I just found out someone I really loved and where my own saviour ideal started has me blocked on FB. Stupid thing, I planned on talking to her on saturday (I know she will be at a party [not my BPD ex] this was 8 years ago). And finding this out makes me want to send my BPD a big "why? Why can't you love me, get help, and do something about it". Guess we all want this not?

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« Reply #76 on: February 29, 2012, 06:25:10 PM »

How long ago was the last contact?

Jan 15, 2012

What was the contact (simple description of the event, e.g., text message asking me if I'm OK)?

A relay message through my aunt that he will pick me up from the airport and hand over property when I come back home.  The previous attempt a recycling in Sept/2011 he asked to "try it again".

What did I think the contact was all about?

Could have been an attempt to maintain communication and/or a semblance of a "friendship", but I know him and this was his MO so to speak.  I think it was an attempt to recycle under the guise that nothing is wrong and let's forgive and forget.  I have forgiven, but I can't forget this time (Sorry Honey I'm on to you).

How did I handle it?

I didn't respond this time.  I don't appreciate him using my family as a way to leverage communication with me.  I didn't handle myself the way the way I would have liked during the  September/2011 contact and didn't believe there would be a reasonable conversation this time.

If I got a "do-over" would I handle it differently? Why?

If you had asked me this 6 months ago I would probably say yes I would handle it differently and that I could "handle" or "manage" this relationship.  But, the more time that passes and the soul searching has brought on this feeling that I don't want a "do-over".

I see these last two attempts to contact were about him and not about any love between us.  He lost his father, a job, and probably more... .He needed someone to rescue him, provide support, or comfort.  He only saw me in respect to him and how I affected him, he didn't see me for me.  Writing that brings up some real hurt... .but me wishing it was different is foolish.  Even if I got a "do-over" I will always doubt him... .it will be something constantly tickling at the back of my mind.  It sounds a little BPD on my part but I think we have too much tar between us now.  I can clean it off, but that sticky feeling never seems to go away.

I am realizing that even if he sought out treatment like I had asked for it won't change a thing.  I believe he needs to do these things for himself and for no other reason... .the catalyst might be from a failed relationship, but I don't want him to do it for me.  I can't help him fight his illness, it's not mine.  I got my problems to deal with.

I know this might sound strange but... .I don't want him as he is and I don't want him how he could be either anymore.  He is who he is and that is not enough for me anymore... .I imagine and hope that there is someone who he will fit with better.  I want and need things he can't provide and he wants and needs things I can't provide.  I'm starting to believe that he was in my life for one reason only: to help me grow.  I'm not sure why I was in his life, but he has to figure that out or not.

-GM
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« Reply #77 on: February 29, 2012, 06:25:33 PM »

Necessary Information Exchange.

How long ago was the last contact?

January 2011.

What was the contact (simple description of the event, e.g., text message asking me if I'm OK)?

I emailed exBPD to inform her that her email address that was part of my account which I paid and provided to her would be terminating in one week.

What did I think the contact was all about?

Common courtesy.  No matter how ugly things had been, notifying her of her email going away was the right thing. Just yanking the plug isn't right. I wouldn't want that done to me.

How did I handle it?

Business tone with a smidge of terseness.

If I got a "do-over" would I handle it differently? Why?

For sake of discussion, I'm going to assume this is in regards to the last communication. I am satisfied with my tone and my consideration. It was "facts only" with no emotion for her glom on to. She replied about something she was going to do. I didn't reply to her. What she did was her business. I was clear and accomplished my goals by giving her a week window to migrate to another email address. I had no other intentions, motivations or desires.
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« Reply #78 on: March 01, 2012, 02:30:16 AM »

FYI

my contact ended again in threats for the recycled-ex bf... .Great. Guess I'll need a laywer soon. Jezus, won't these people just die... .

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« Reply #79 on: March 01, 2012, 11:23:13 PM »

How long ago was the last contact? 

late 2009

This is how it started (this is her first email):


What was the contact (simple description of the event, e.g., text message asking me if I'm OK)?

We saw the movie District 9

What did I think the contact was all about?

We were sort of hanging out I guess (I was deluded or needed to endure more pain) She basically started ripping me telling me why our relationship didn't work out.

How did I handle it?

I snapped and yelled at her and berated her for 45 minutes


If I got a "do-over" would I handle it differently? Why?

Hard to say it was the first time I really stood up to her and let her have it. I think I should have just let it all go after her screwing it up back in 2007 and not re-engaging.
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« Reply #80 on: March 02, 2012, 12:39:22 AM »

Necessary Information Exchange.  (prior contact was a sour email from her 2/7/12 - in response to my trying to explain why NC was important outside of work ... maybe we could talk in future when I heal *she broke up with me on 1/28 and 3 days later with her new man*)

How long ago was the last contact?

Today

What was the contact (simple description of the event, e.g., text message asking me if I'm OK)?

I emailed exBPD (we work at the same company) about a mutual customer. Due to some confusion, she needed to be notified.

What did I think the contact was all about?

Common courtesy. (and secretly hoping for some some positive dialogue)

How did I handle it?

Business tone with a friendly manner . : " first : Hi.  Secondly, customer X has ... ." 

She responded back with " Hey ! Ok Thanks Smiling (click to insert in post) "  that's it.

If I got a "do-over" would I handle it differently? Why?

She needed to be notified of the possible problem.  Maybe , I could have done w/o the Hi... .don't know. I just was hurt with regards to her last email. I just wanted a friendly exchange and it appears  that happened. Mentally, I feel better. But lets face it ... .I am nowhere close to healing... My heart wants all of her craziness back... .   My brain shakes its head.
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« Reply #81 on: March 09, 2012, 05:53:32 PM »

How long ago?

1 week to today.

Type of contact? Text messages, (1) blank, (2) telling me he was sending me some $$$ he owes me (3) he would send it to my P.O. Box - - 3 total (2nd and 3rd, 2 hours apart).

What was contact about?  Probably just wanting to make himself feel good and trying to keep communication open.

How did I handle it?  Well the break up has only been about 6 weeks, it shook me up a little - ruminating, but I did not respond - - kept NC.

What would I do differently?  Nothing, NO CONTACT




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« Reply #82 on: March 09, 2012, 08:47:09 PM »

1.  How long ago was the last contact? 

Today.

2.  What was the contact?

An e-mail, containing a single word:  My last name.

3.  What do you think the contact was all about?

It was about proving to me - yet again - that he's disordered.

4.  How did you handle it?

Stuck to NC.

5.  If you got a "do-over" would you handle it differently? Why?

Yes.  I would have hesitated in puzzlement even LESS than the 1 second I did, before deleting it.   Why?  See item 3.

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« Reply #83 on: March 09, 2012, 09:18:47 PM »

How long ago was the last contact? Yesterday. I got an e-mail using one of her friends names as an alias. I responded. I know it's a bogus account she has set up.

What was the contact (simple description of the event, e.g., text message asking me if I'm OK)? Forwarded Chain E-mail.

What did I think the contact was all about? Staying in touch, seeing how I would respond. Object consistancy issues, making sure i am still here and available.

How did I handle it? I responded. With a chain e-mail of my own.

If I got a "do-over" would I handle it differently? Why? I doubt it. I  feel like I am at a place to put up boundries and protect myself if she decides to ever come back.
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« Reply #84 on: March 09, 2012, 10:03:47 PM »

I am a glutton for punishment... .   :'(

1.  How long ago was the last contact? 

Today.

2.  What was the contact?

An e-mail, responding to my exgfBPD'd email from yesterday that if we adhere to boundaries it is best to cut all ties. She did not want to have her new bf feel threatened. So I replied back in  an explanation of why I wanted to re-connect in some sort of way... .  I wrote that " i will respect your boundaries and I wish you well"

3.  What do you think the contact was all about?

I have some sick desire to want to know that she is not 'hateful' towards me ... .I know  huh?

4.  How did you handle it?

I felt the need to respond back

5.  If you got a "do-over" would you handle it differently? Why?


I just would have wrote... .I wish you well.
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« Reply #85 on: March 09, 2012, 10:07:58 PM »

How long ago was the last contact?

5 months ago

What was the contact (simple description of the event, e.g., text message asking me if I'm OK)?

he wanted to be friends and did not understand why we could not be in contact

What did I think the contact was all about?

recycling keeping me close  he was lonely

How did I handle it?

lather rinse repeat  that we were divorcing  and we were both moving on

If I got a "do-over" would I handle it differently? Why?

no
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« Reply #86 on: March 09, 2012, 10:28:31 PM »

How long ago was the last contact? One week ago after two years NC

What was the contact (simple description of the event, e.g., text message asking me if I'm OK)? He was driving by my place of work, since he lives in another state and I work in an isolated area... there is no reason for him to drive by at the moment I am getting off work.

What did I think the contact was all about? Who knows... but since the drive by I've been receiving phone calls from blocked numbers that leave no message and I never answer.

How did I handle it? Ignored him.

If I got a "do-over" would I handle it differently? Why? No, I handled it. I had a nightmare that evening... felt anxiety and sadness, it passed. There is nothing to do, he is disordered and has the capacity to hurt me emotionally, best to ignore him and continue on.
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« Reply #87 on: April 24, 2012, 08:33:59 PM »

Yes.  He seems to really come around whenever he gets a GF.  Of course he will try to hide the GF and lie about having one, but I've noticed the pattern.  I confronted him this time and he was like well I didn't want you to be sad     Sad for the girl maybe!

I've got to get tougher again on this one, I fall too easily back into friendship with him and I don't want to be that person.
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« Reply #88 on: April 24, 2012, 10:45:52 PM »

How long ago was the last contact Two days ago. I had to arrange a time to pick my things up (he failed to meet the last arrangements.

{b}What was the contact[/b] - me texting him, he text back with an obscure answer, I text back - informing a time and would have police present to ensure access without dramas and my sons would be assisting me. He replied Sunday 9 is fine

How did I handle it. simple text, short and when he wanted to decorate with a game I stopped it in its track

If I got a "do-over" would I handle it differently? Why? I dont think so, I just need to get my things out and then leave him to his life. I dont contact him over anything else as of two weeks ago. He has baited me to pick up paper work, which I did, but everything else is taken care of now. He is blocked on my email, facebook and soon on my phone.
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« Reply #89 on: April 25, 2012, 10:50:49 AM »

Excerpt
How long ago was the last contact?

Mid december 2011


Excerpt
What was the contact

Text message with her new number and a few words.



Excerpt
What did I think the contact was all about?

Attempt to triangulate, keep me in the frame for control, she realised a part of what she lost, dipping her toes in the water to test the temperture.


Excerpt
How did I handle it?

Didnt read the words to the text, seen it was from her and her new number, didnt read the rest and hit delete.



Excerpt
If I got a "do-over" would I handle it differently? Why?

Do over? you mean if i got presented with the same scenario would i act differently?

No, id delete the text the same as the previous texts before reading them. I dont need to know what she asking/saying/wanting to know.
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