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Poll
Question: POLL: How would you describe your most recent "post break-up" communication with your exBPD? [select the highest one on the list that applies]
An attempt to rekindle the relationship - 43 (12.6%)
Continuation of the breakup dispute - 63 (18.5%)
Looking for validation/redemption (either party) - 54 (15.8%)
Keeping communication lines open - 88 (25.8%)
Necessary information exchange - 48 (14.1%)
Other (please explain) - 45 (13.2%)
Total Voters: 334

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Author Topic: SURVEY | Have you been in contact recently?  (Read 27462 times)
Finding_Myself_again
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« Reply #30 on: February 03, 2010, 01:47:53 AM »



How long ago was the last contact?

Yesterday and other one will be in about 2 hours as we work together and although I requested him on several occassions to leave me alone and if there is no choice keep the contact limited to a professional level, he cannot do it. 

What was the contact[/i][/b] (simple description of the event, e.g., text message asking me if I'm OK)?

Every morning he comes in and gives me a kiss (on the cheek) in front of everybody.  He comes behind me and does something which makes me jump up and he and collegueas around me find it very amusing.  When we have to site next to each other to work he always touches me or lays his head on my shoulder.  He is laughing with collegueas but as soon as he sees me behaves like a hurt puppy.  And this day in day out, whatever I try to make him stop doing it.  He knows that I cannot react the way I would like to in front of the others and especially I am sitting next to our director, so   

What did I think the contact was all about?

When he comes to my desk he pretends that he has a question or advise regarding work but he always tries to make it a personal conversation (anything personal I no longer respond to) he just wants to make sure that I'm still there should he ever really need me.

How did I handle it?

The surprising me from behind, always makes me jump and scream.  I'm okay as long as I don't see him but once he comes in my stomach truns around and I start counting the minutes until I can leave.

If I got a "do-over" would I handle it differently? Why?


If I could I would change job so that I would never ever have to see or hear him again.[/quote]
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Hannahbanana
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« Reply #31 on: February 03, 2010, 04:41:52 AM »



How long ago was the last contact?  6 days ago

What was the contact
(simple description of the event, e.g., text message asking me if I'm OK)?  MSN cxontact (1 year after NC both sides) He said he just signed in after a year, saw mw ad thought it immature not to say hi, then proceeded to inform me about his new relationship and how happy he was etc

What did I think the contact was all about?  No idea really, guesing, i'd say the honeymoon period with his gf is over and he is out fishing again before he fully ends it... or she does.  Or, to gloat about how happy he is to reinforce that it must have been my fault we didn't work

How did I handle it?  Calmly, tried to show slight indifference to his uber happy story, while saying i was happy for him (i wasn't and was crossing my fingers that he was miserable)

If I got a "do-over" would I handle it differently? Why?
 Yes, i felt i should have simply said "i'm sorry, but i have nothing to say to you at this time or in the near and distant future"  Why, because i feel annoyed with myself for allowing him to come on, gloat and blame me again.  I also felt he very quickly jumped into his usual style of speaking to me, lacking respect and assuming i am still head over heels about him, without even knowing my state of mind.  [/quote]
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OverHerAgain
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« Reply #32 on: February 03, 2010, 09:11:54 AM »

ow long ago was the last contact?  8 months.


What was the contact (simple description of the event, e.g., text message asking me if I'm OK)?  She wanted to see me.  I was suspicious, but thought it would be worth my time to find out why.

What did I think the contact was all about?  Found out that her current victim had told her that she needed to date other people.  She was clearly gaging my reaction - as though I would volunteer to be her gf now that she's becoming single.  She just wanted me to be a filler between the demise of her current relationship and her next new one.  She was disappointed when I didn't take the bait. 

How did I handle it?  I laughed.  The very next day I blocked her from calling or emailing me.

If I got a "do-over" would I handle it differently? Why? No.  I would have done the exact same thing. 
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theridler
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« Reply #33 on: February 03, 2010, 10:17:01 AM »

Last contact was a text message about a week or two ago.  Last time we communicated, what I sent her was apparently deemed 'harmless enough', and she'd decided that perhaps she'd like to be friends with me but that she's very wary.  It was basically a presumptuous attempt to set out the boundaries etc of a 'friendship' on her terms.  

I let her know that I was in a good place, and had been since we split, and she responded in kind, telling me that everything 'FINALLY seemed to be making sense' and reminding me that she's still wary of me.  I responded with light incredulity, pointing out that I have no historic issue with sustaining warm, loving, mutual friendships, and that if people treat me well, I treat them very well in return.  I pointed out that having a new boyfriend and a couple of trips to a therapist doesn't 'cure' BPD, but wished her luck in sorting things out in the long term.  

She couldn't manipulate me by telling me I was an awful human being because everything I said was entirely level headed and rational.  She couldn't manipulate me by offering me false hope regarding a relationship because she has a new boyfriend and because I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot barge pole.  Needless to say, without any hooks, there was nothing she could say in response so she didn't bother.

If anything it was a good thing.  Her responses confirmed my analysis of who/what she is, and I got to have my say, managing not to lose my temper at all.  I will happily point out to her that's she's an incurable nutcase and that I'm not, over and over again until she goes away if necessary.  Smiling (click to insert in post)

Excerpt
How did I handle it?  I laughed.

 Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

Bollocks to these children trapped in adult bodies.  It's their problem and (if we look after ourselves) noone else's, and that's the way I like it.  
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lifeisgoodx10
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« Reply #34 on: February 03, 2010, 01:44:12 PM »

He e-mailed me at a dating site that I joined weeks ago. I had not been to this site in over a month (in fact had forgotten about it). In one of his last voice messages before blocking his number he said that he saw me there. Well a few days later I decided to to see. Lo and behold there were three e-mails from him and of course he could see when I was online at this site. I promptly blocked him from being able to see my profile and blocked his profiile from me as well. I admit it's tempting to go check on him but I haven't so far.
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Valentine09
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« Reply #35 on: February 03, 2010, 04:57:22 PM »

How long ago was the last contact?



Two weeks ago on a Saturday.

What was the contact (simple description of the event, e.g., text message asking me if I'm OK)?



Two text messages saying that I was "like a best friend" to her (exBPDgf)  and that the silence of NC was hurting her and that she felt she needed to talk to me.  Also that she was always there for me when I was feeling sad and that she always wanted to cheer me up and always cared about me.  This was a complete and total lie.  She was never there for me, never did anything to cheer me up, and was the cause of my pain for all of last year.

What did I think the contact was all about?



She called a few days prior and left a voice mail saying "Happy Birthday, you probably don't want to hear from me and I understand if you don't call back."  So, since I didn't call back, she decides to start texting me.  I believe she was BORED and didn't have anyone to go out and do anything with on a Saturday.  She probably wanted to dump on me for ignoring her and hurt me with stories about her new relationship.

How did I handle it?



I ignored the hell out of those texts.  I officially hate texting because she's the only one that ever texted me, so she's in effect ruined an entire technology/ form of communication for me!  I haven't heard from her again, but I'm sure I'm due for another round anytime.  I've told her in the past that I hate texting, and she still ignores that fact. But I didn't break NC, and I'm now over the 2month mark.

If I got a "do-over" would I handle it differently? Why?



I really want to tell her to NEVER CONTACT ME IN THIS LIFETIME EVER AGAIN.  I've never actually told her to stop contacting me.  I told her the last time we spoke in Nov. that if she walked out on me for someone else that we could not be friends, I either wanted all of her or none of her.  She made the decision to leave me, but she twisted my words to mean that at some point I'd be over her and we could be friends again.  I have no interest in being her friend just so she can abuse me more.  
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MxMan
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« Reply #36 on: February 26, 2010, 05:30:29 PM »

long time ago but man did i ruminate over it over and over for so long. especially the "despite the fact that i think it was best for my mental health" part

How long ago was the last contact?email, about 9 months ago.

What was the contact "I have belonging x of yours. If you want it I can have x bring it over or meet you at a time & place of your choosing. Despite the fact that i think it was best for my mental health, its been really hard being alone and being without you. I miss you and think of you every day. I hope you're healing from the hurt I caused you. I'm sure thats more than you want to hear from me so I'll stop now".

What did I think the contact was all about? I think it's a combo of a few of the above poll choices; mainly keeping me enmeshed though.

How did I handle it? I did not reply. That was the thing that made me put the *final* blocks on my email accounts, and change my phone number. I was tired of the conflicting messages (i'm over it and have moved on. i love you. i dont love you. etc etc). I had moved that day as well. I'm pretty sure she knew that and was also digging for info, especially considering someone else in her family contacted me right around the same time asking how I was and if i'd moved and where, etc etc. Didnt reply to that either. Added that person to the block list as well. A whole family on an email block list. Impressive.

If I got a "do-over" would I handle it differently? Nope, except maybe to not have read the email at all.
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Edie
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« Reply #37 on: March 06, 2010, 07:23:33 AM »

Hmmmmm was peeking thru the kitchen window 2/27.  Two weeks ago standing at the end of my street calling my name when I went outside.

On going calling my voicemail at wrok playing a Willie Nelson song that we would dance to.  He always said he thought about me when he listened to it.  This is almost everyday.

What did I think the contact was about:  I think he thought I would be glad to see him.  I am sure he had something he wanted to say about how "he" feels.

How did I handle it:  I ignored him.  :)idnt even look his way.

Would I handle it differently;  No
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Kenneth
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« Reply #38 on: April 25, 2010, 09:07:19 AM »

How long ago was the last contact?

About a month ago, on my birthday.

What was the contact (simple description of the event, e.g., text message asking me if I'm OK)?

An e-mail: "Happy Birthday. I hope you are well.

What did I think the contact was all about?

I don't know. The previous contact (to which I did not reply) told me, in a rather cryptic way, that she "could finally be grateful" to me and for the relationship.

How did I handle it?

I replied with an email, reestablishing "no contact." Her birthday note shook me up--I was triggered and reentered the F.O.G. My reply was perhaps a bit dramatic, but I was able to get some things off my chest and solidify my decision to break off from her.

If I got a "do-over" would I handle it differently? Why?

So hard to answer. When I received her e-mail, I was again thrown into fear, obligation, and guilt. And I realized how much of what I fear is in my head. If there are decent parts to my reply, it's that I did not mention BPD and that I did not talk about what's going on in my life. I wished her well, but I also underscored how "unhealthy" the relationship was and that I did not want to reexperience it.

Perhaps if there was a do-over, I would not reply. But, again, I still felt that obligation to reply. And I felt like I needed to tell her that I wish her well in her life and that I was letting her go. (This is better than the last thing I said her, months before: Do not contact me. Let me go. How I handled it says a lot of where I was emotionally when I received the contact.
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Janell

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« Reply #39 on: April 25, 2010, 09:25:28 AM »

Last contact - 3 days ago

What was the contact - phone call saying hi, wondering what I've been up to lately

What did I think contact was all about - scoping things out to see if I was still open to talking to him

How did I handle it - I talked to him for a few minutes, kept things very bland and vague

If I got a do-over would I handle it differently - yes, I would probably just not answer the phone.  I feel like that brief contact with him derailed my recovery somewhat, although I'm okay now and not planning on talking to him again.
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« Reply #40 on: April 25, 2010, 09:32:57 AM »

How long ago was the last contact? August 2008

What was the contact? (simple description of the event, e.g., text message asking me if I'm OK)? Email, 3 months out after virtually nothing since split, apologising for not responding to me, wanting to "end the "episode" on a good note", hoping I met someone less "coldhearted and crabby to have fun with"

What did I think the contact was all about? Validation for her, trying to justify her poor conduct as acceptable in the context of being coldhearted and crabby, so I should be thankful, and also probably a sign not to contact her as she was now with someone else.

How did I handle it? Felt damned whatever I decided to do, made the decision to go and see her, I was calm, composed, and respectful but it went very badly she was very distressed upon seeing me and freaked out, I really couldn't understand why and we have never exchanged a word or seen each other since. I had Just entered into counselling at the time, diagnosed with ptsd, very confused, distressed and emotionally distraught.

If I got a "do-over" would I handle it differently? Why? I think now with hindsight and some clarity of what was actually happening I would have responded quite differently, this was at a time before joining bpdfamily.com or really knowing about BPD. I suppose it has bugged me somewhat that I never had the chance to say what I really wanted to with the benefit of hindsight.

Even after all this time it is painful to thinking back to that time.



Sandyb


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finally
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« Reply #41 on: May 27, 2010, 09:10:57 PM »

Today... he text me to ask our dr.'s phone number... .and then asked me how i was... .i replied with the phone number and sais i was fine thank you! and that was it.   and i will do the same next time too!
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confused!!!
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« Reply #42 on: May 29, 2010, 07:13:13 PM »

How long ago was the last contact?

Friday (yesterday) after 3 weeks NC


What was the contact (simple description of the event, e.g., text message asking me if I'm OK)?

she forwarded a "friends" type email.


What did I think the contact was all about?

She got angry 3 weeks ago for no reason. I figured the friends email was her way of letting me know she was talking with me again. Apparently she had already moved on.


How did I handle it?

I had finally made some important decisions about the relationship, so I laid the cards on the table, said what I wanted out of the relationship, set some boundaries/ground rules/items I wanted us to work on and... .that I was ready to move in with her (something she's wanted since we started dating 2 years ago). She got back to me today, said she didn't think it would work out. From past experience, my brain knew she would turn away. My heart thought there was a glimmer of a chance. I've kept thinking maybe i've judged her too harshly, maybe she's not really BPD, maybe... .i continue to make excuses for her unstable behavior.


If I got a "do-over" would I handle it differently? Why?

I would do the same. I tried NC many times before and that never worked for me.  I've struggled with what I wanted out of the relationship since the beginning; I finally figured out what I needed. I responded from a position of knowledge and strength, about what I wanted and what I expected from us as individuals and as a couple. I felt I had unfinished business with her; now, I don't. I am finally able to move on. I will throw out the keys to that door and never ever open it again.
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notadoormat
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« Reply #43 on: May 29, 2010, 09:51:32 PM »

How long ago was the last contact?

She sent me a long handwritten card last week (a couple days before my birthday), and posted a comment on a blog post I wrote about a photographer using her real name a couple days ago (she has posted comments in recent months, but always went by 'anonymous.' This is the first direct contact in 8+ months.


What was the contact (simple description of the event, e.g., text message asking me if I'm OK)?

see above


What did I think the contact was all about?

She's tired of the new g/f... .looking around for someone to keep her company when she pushes new g/f away. She must have leaked something, b/c new g/f came into my blog and spent over an hour there a couple days after I received the note, (using my name + 'blog' as a search term) and read everything I had ever posted... .starting with the archives of the month exBPD broke up with me... .moving on next to last May, during which exBPD distanced me and re-established contact with new g/f, whom she had dated briefly before she and I got together... .then on to January, when I know exBPD and new g/f had a 'mini-breakup.' Interesting, the tracks the world wide web records... .


How did I handle it?

I have not responded. Will not. Am trying to process my feelings around it.

If I got a "do-over" would I handle it differently? Why?

Nope. Firm NC on my part... .is the only way to deal with it.
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turtlesoup
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« Reply #44 on: May 30, 2010, 06:15:33 AM »

How long ago was the last contact? 2 Months

What was the contact (simple description of the event, e.g., text message asking me if I'm OK)?

Initially a song that had nothing to do with either of us via YouTube, I responded that I didn't want to hear from her, she accused me of being selfish, a fight erupted.

What did I think the contact was all about?

I thought the contact was her testing the waters to see if she could add me to her back pocket, either as a friend or a love interest.

How did I handle it?

I responded quite kindly that I didn't want to speak to her right now as I still needed time to heal.

If I got a "do-over" would I handle it differently? Why?

I wouldn't respond at all. since i've seen from others and learnt for myself that this contact was nothing to do with me, my hurt, my feelings or our relationship, it was just for attention or some other need she had.

Why? Because I spent the next month going over that email analysing it to death and set myself back to 0 NC.
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Tiredofit

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« Reply #45 on: May 31, 2010, 10:27:29 AM »

How long ago was the last contact? today

What was the contact? txt message telling me good morning and she wished I could come to her cookout

What did I think the contact was all about? Trying to find out if Id take the bait

How did I handle it? Very indifferent untill she knew i would not be there,she went NUTS,I told her she Has BPD(1st time I ever told her that) Then she flew into a txt messaging rage,still going on right now.

If I got a "do-over" would I handle it differently? Why? No,I actually feel closure by telling her she had BPD
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Dorian
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« Reply #46 on: June 08, 2010, 02:58:40 PM »

How long ago was the last contact?

This morning.

What was the contact (simple description of the event, e.g., text message asking me if I'm OK)?

She called and asked if she could stay in my guest room for a couple of weeks because her living situation is stressing her out. She then broke down and told me that she made a huge mistake in leaving and wanted to get back together, or at least be friends, whatever I'm comfortable with.

What did I think the contact was all about?

[Background] - She left me 4-5 months ago for guy that she'd fallen into an emotional affair with. I went NC for a long time and had gotten to a point where I was over the hurt but still felt a love for her.  Last week I learned from a mutual friend that her boyfriend had left her and that she was feeling devastated.

From a BPD perspective, she is seeking me out again because she's lonely and financially drained and wants relief. From this view, she is coming from a place of trying to get her needs met (it has only to do with HER needs, not with loving ME). To see the matter solely from this perspective seems cynical. But I will admit that it is perhaps the only sane view to take, given her past behavior towards me.

Another view, which I'm tempted to embrace, is that she sincerely wants to grow up, be an adult and give our relationship another shot. She apologized and told me that she recognizes that we had a very functional relationship that she threw away out of immaturity and fear of intimacy. From this perspective, she may be ready to accept responsibility for her mistake and enter therapy. 


How did I handle it?

I was very collected and talked to her kindly (I've expressed my hurt and anger plenty in the past). I even told her that I was sorry to hear that she was hurt so badly by her new boyfriend dropping her. We talked about how "what goes around, comes around". I told her that I do still love her and that I'd like to talk about what happened between us. I told her staying in my guest room would cross my boundaries, so no. 

If I got a "do-over" would I handle it differently? Why?

Part of me thinks I should have told her firmly but kindly, "there's no chance for us to get back together. Sorry, I've moved on." 

But have I moved on? I admit that I still love her and I might be willing to put up with some of her BPD behavior if she's in therapy and working towards getting better.

I feel at peace with the way I handled it. Now I need to decide if I can tolerate having her in my life and to what degree. I have grown so much from this experience that sometimes I feel like a buddhist monk.

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TonyC
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« Reply #47 on: June 08, 2010, 03:53:37 PM »

nice werk there dorian... it was hard for you i know... .but you see the big picture which is awsome... .savin yourself allot of dissapointment... .

you did well... .
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Skip
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« Reply #48 on: June 08, 2010, 03:54:53 PM »

What was the contact (simple description of the event, e.g., text message asking me if I'm OK)?

She called and asked if she could stay in my guest room for a couple of weeks because her living situation is stressing her out. She then broke down and told me that she made a huge mistake in leaving and wanted to get back together, or at least be friends, whatever I'm comfortable with.

It's important to see this as a likely rebound relationship.  Where better to go when you feel unloved than back to someone that loves you.  You don't want that.

Keeping your boundary was smart.

This is complex turf Dorian.  Can the relationship be rekindled from this point?  Yes.  

The harder question is how to rekindle it without repeating the past (for you) and without making it feel like a lynching (for her).  So many "nons' have been down this path with expectations of the other person getting into therapy and talking through the wounds of the last break-up - which is not at all the point that the person with BPD wants to start from - she is wounded and looking for comfort.

Before you do anything - you may want to post on the staying board to get some idea's about what is realistic and what is not.

Skippy

PS: Crossed with TonyC
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Dorian
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« Reply #49 on: June 08, 2010, 06:05:29 PM »

Thanks Tony and Skip for the advice.

I feel level-headed about it right now but I'm aware of the possibility of being knocked off kilter by her potentially erratic or disappointing behavior.  I'm proceeding with caution, aware that perhaps the smartest thing is to not proceed at all.

Excerpt
into therapy and talking through the wounds of the last break-up - which is not at all the point that the person with BPD wants to start from - she is wounded and looking for comfort

.

I believe I'm beyond the point of wanting further closure over her wounds to me. I've mostly let go of the hurt she caused and I see it in the context of her being a mentally/emotionally handicapped person (but one that I love). I have no serious expectations that her behaviors will have changed drastically in the last few months. I feel that I'm willing to re-engage with her and accept the challenge of maintaining strong boundaries while exhibiting validation towards her.

I'm examining myself and trying to be honest about why I'd be willing to consider keeping her in my life. I've dated a few other women in the last month and feel confident that I can easily find a healthy and attractive new mate. I've had a lot of peace in my life since she was gone.

I'm asking myself, why would I even entertain the possibility of renewing a connection with her?

Love is love. I married her because I chose her and committed to her. I think that for me, it may be worth some pain and struggle to stay true to my ideal about love, contingent on her doing her part.

Anywise, I'm contemplating telling her that we can only be friends. I'd like for her to be the one to pursue more, if it's to rekindle.

I'm viewing this as potentially a huge challenge for my own growth. I was getting used to being a bachelor again - but I recognize that I become lazy about character development when I don't have a challenge.

Seeing my therapist on Friday.







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« Reply #50 on: October 22, 2010, 11:10:15 AM »

How long ago was the last contact?

App. 6 weeks ago.

What was the contact (simple description of the event, e.g., text message asking me if I'm OK)?

After confonting her, she finally admitted and detailed the abuse she suffered from her parents.

What did I think the contact was all about?

For me, I thought she owed my the truth. Nothing more!

How did I handle it?

My heart sank as I knew the truth before she told me, but was even more devastated when she described the details.

If I got a "do-over" would I handle it differently? Why?

Everyone has told me that you should not confront ppl with BPD, but I still believe I was right in my approach. The relationship was over, but I felt, if nothing else, she owed me the truth. No matter how painful, I can live with the truth!
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« Reply #51 on: October 22, 2010, 11:59:56 AM »



How long ago was the last contact?

Two days ago.

What was the contact (simple description of the event, e.g., text message asking me if I'm OK)?

A text.  We don't see or speak to each other on the phone.  I texted him in response to a text he had sent the day before, in which he had expressed how broken he was, how much he loved and missed me, and how he'll always need me.  I responded that I'll always be his friend.  I had been for 20 years, and I felt like I could be friends for another 20-- I just can't live with him or be his SO.

What did I think the contact was all about?

Me wanting to help him feel better and loved, and help myself by knowing he'll be okay and hopefully we will be friends after all this.  Don't know how that will play out, or if it would even work.

How did I handle it?

I probably should have remained NC.  I'm still weak in that regard.  I get a lot of self image and self esteem through helping and being needed.  I need to work on that.

If I got a "do-over" would I handle it differently? Why?

Again, I probably should have remained NC.  If he got together with someone else right now, I'd be crushed.  I remain hopeful, but I don't really want to be friends this soon.  I need time to heal by myself.  At least he's not texting me very much at all.  It's too hard not to read them at this point.  I don't really need him to need me-- I have to keep telling myself that.  We're both able to live apart and have our own lives.  I need to tell myself that, too.
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Crystal Ball
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
What is your relationship status with them: divorced
Posts: 1462



« Reply #52 on: October 22, 2010, 08:26:52 PM »

The only communication was one email that I sent to him about 7 weeks ago to try to get some closure.  His response to that was one last dig at why or problems were all my fault.  He owes me $ that he promised to pay in December when he gets a settlement check.  I'm thinking I'll be calling a lawyer in January to follow up on that... .but I won't contact him again myself.
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Phoenixrzng
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 66


« Reply #53 on: October 23, 2010, 12:52:53 AM »

Last contact?

2 days ago

What was the contact?

Repeatedly calling me about an error in paperwork (his mistake--we run a business and are not yet divorced). Something I could have taken care any time that day but he wanted a response immediately so he kept calling. I have been trying to have all messages filtered through a 3rd person (employee).

What was it about?

It was a way to still have control over what I do when I do it and to keep tabs on where I am and provoke me to engage.

How did I handle it?

I engaged got defensive and verbally abusive. (I am soo angry) Told him what a rotten father he was because he was more concerned with other things than his son that has been ill for 3 weeks. Demanded that he bring bottled water and Gatoraide. Then I called back and told him to forget it that we needed nothing from him and I wouldn't accept a small gesture (I had to ask for) that would help ease his conscience. He left the water and Gatoraide outside and felt like a hero.

Do over?

YES! I was out of control and should never have given him the satisfaction that I could use his help or that he could even upset me so much for being so insensitive to the fact his son has been sick.

I blew it that day and the next because he called again and asked if I could use anything (cause he felt guilty from the things I said the day before) I said yes (AGAIN ?) I asked for water softener salt and a big bag of dog food, because I was physically and emotionally exhausted from caring for my son and doctor/hospital visits.  I am so mad at myself ! I let him ease his conscience and now he can brag how he still helps us out and look like the good guy. It (NOTHING) will never make up for the years of neglect, abuse and lies.

I am kicking myself now, but I am still in a battle with myself about what he owes us (I want to ask for anything and everything I can) after finding out he had been stealing money from the business and our personal accounts and spending it on his mistress for the last 3 years. (she told me he gave her hundreds and diamond jewelry and that he showed her a canister of cash and stated "I could go buy a new car with this!" She claims he said there was 37k in the can! I have no idea where the money is and do not know if there is a way for my lawyer to recover it.

The biggest f*ed up thing about the whole thing is I looked at the CC statement online today... .he bought the things he brought us on the credit card that we are both responsible for and did not use any of his own cash! what an ___! (both me and him) I always prided myself in handling things well under the circumstance but  I am really having a hard time being mature and in control lately. He stays composed while I lose it these days. It is like we have reversed roles  PD traits  

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Indigo Sky
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
What is your relationship status with them: End of March 2013 she tried to have me charged with assault so she could benefit from it financially and then have me deported. Just about everyone has told me if I go back to her city most likely I will run into personal danger.
Posts: 848


« Reply #54 on: October 23, 2010, 07:14:12 AM »

How long ago was the last contact? Couple days ago (We email each other, replies can be twice a week or once a month, no set pattern)

What was the contact (simple description of the event, e.g., text message asking me if I'm OK)? Email, just sharing what we are doing, goes both ways.

What did I think the contact was all about? Money but not directly asking, she just dropped a part in the email that her son has to do without some things. She was letting me know that she needs money.

How did I handle it? Realize who she is and accept that. So the hint of asking for money didnt bother me. There were other statements she made, so I talked about the other things she wrote about in a positive mannor and didnt talk about the negatives or her lack of $$$$$.

If I got a "do-over" would I handle it differently? Why? No, I think I did okay. For the most part I feel free from the F.O.G. and learning not to be the caretaker, overall it is a good feeling not to place everyone else before myself.
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David Dare
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
What is your relationship status with them: broke up in 10-2009
Posts: 836


« Reply #55 on: October 23, 2010, 08:47:36 AM »

How long ago was the last contact?  About a month

What was the contact (simple description of the event, e.g., text message asking me if I'm OK)? Chat through facebook with a few subsequent messages shared back and forth

What did I think the contact was all about?  I think she was in between boyfriends and was getting lonely

How did I handle it? Hard to say.  I unloaded my thoughts regarding the r/s, which at this point was after many months of NC.  I didn't attempt to reengage, nor did she. 

If I got a "do-over" would I handle it differently? Why?  A do-over in the breech of NC?  I think this is what you are asking.  There isn't much I would've changed.  There was no attempt at reengagement by either of us, and I think it helped me to at least state my opinion once and for all.
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C12P21
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 2512



« Reply #56 on: October 23, 2010, 01:16:54 PM »

There has been blocked phone calls with hangups at work and home. I suspect it is my exNPDbf.

A few poems sent via mail with no address, no signature, and typed.

I read it and thought; wow, so much energy invested in dysfunction, a couch trip would be  easier... .and more productive.

The poems are his usual trade mark style. He refers to the end of our r/s as an absence from each other, this pattern is typical of narcissim. He is trolling to get a response.

Lately I have worked alot on active forgiveness. This has helped me to let go so there has been no response on my part, or tears shed, or wishful thinking. This experience has been a lesson learned, forgiveness is possible, but trust is another matter, there is none, I have nothing left to offer him other than forgiveness.

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bluelotus9
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Posts: 67


« Reply #57 on: October 23, 2010, 03:20:13 PM »



How long ago was the last contact? Last week

What was the contact (simple description of the event, e.g., text message asking me if I'm OK)? Email re work matters. She is senior administrative assistant in the graduate studies office where I work. It was to ask me (us - a generic email) to forward applications we'd received for PhD positions

What did I think the contact was all about? As above, but previous emails approx once a week are an excuse to engage contact when I've told her NC and even mentioned it to her line manager that I want to avoid or minimize any email contact

How did I handle it? Forwarded bare application with no message from myself

If I got a "do-over" would I handle it differently? Why? No, i wouldn't handle it differently, Though NC is hard and I fantasize sending her a text on her birthday... .
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Mystic
formerly Livia
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 1632



« Reply #58 on: January 03, 2011, 10:44:26 AM »

How long ago was the last contact?  Almost 3 months.

What was the contact?  Ugly, cold, angry response to an email I'd sent trying to make peace between us.  It was full of blame, projection, etc. Never wants to seem me again, then demands the few belongings he left here.  Rage at me for calling the cops after he hit me (even though I made sure no harm came to him as a result... .no arrest, no charges, no record.  

What did I think the contact was all about?  Spewing his ugliness at someone... .who knows.  I don't feel like know him at all anymore, if I ever did.  Note that it was written at about 2:30 am.  Anyone who needs to write poison pen emails at that hour of the day ain't a happy person and needs a long hard look in the mirror.  I know he used to spit venom at his psycho ex... .guess now it's my turn. 

How did I handle it?  Waited a few days to collect my thoughts.  Responded that when/if he could ever be civil and decent to me that I would welcome the opportunity for peace between us.  That although anyone has the right to end a relationship I did not deserve to be left in such an ugly way, and that blame and name calling did not justify the way things happened.  I said I would continue to pray for peace between us.  

If I got a "do-over" would I handle it differently? Why?  

Probably not.  I loved him, I am a peacemaker.  I would like peace between us.  My conscience is clear... .he's the one who broke the relationship, ragefully and without warning and has not allowed us resolution.  

I won't contact him again, if peace is to be, the ball's in his court.   Can't keep extending a bare hand to a rabid dog.  
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brenbabe
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Posts: 455


« Reply #59 on: January 03, 2011, 11:12:42 AM »

How long ago was last contact ?  9 days ago


What was the contact ?  He texted me at 6 am Christmas morning to say " Merry Christmas cute one"  . Later that day he texted saying " you have a shirt of mine" also he listed all the things he got for Christmas gifts.   I did not answer either text. He had texted me also a week before saying " I want to talk to you, I am lonely" " I think you are mad at me" . I did not respond to that either. Those were the first contacts since I ended things with him on sept 28th after he raged at me for the first time.

What did I think it was all about?  Him wanting to make sure I am available to him if he needs something or someone. Him trying to keep connected in some sick way for his own benefit. Notice how he said " I am lonely" not lonely for YOU but lonely in general. I am sure a few minutes later he called someone else saying the same thing.

How did I handle it ?  Didnt respond because I know if I do things will be exactly the same, it will always be push pull and me getting nothing but crumbs. its all about him and always will be.

How would I handle it or do it over?  I did the right thing by not engaging so I think I did fine.

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